DOUGLAS ADAMS:  Forty-two.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BALDRICK:  It had a cunning plan.

ROSEANNE BARR:  Urrrrrp. What chicken?


PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

BUDDHA:  Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

BUDDHA (revisited):  If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

JULIUS CAESAR:  To come, to see, to conquer.

CANDIDE:  To cultivate its garden.

DICK CHENEY : Where's my gun?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

JOHN CONSTANTINE:  Because it'd made a bollocks of things over on this side of the road and figured it'd better get out right quick.

JOSEPH CONRAD:  Mistah Chicken, he dead.

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

HOWARD COSELL:  It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapiens pedestrians is a truly remarkable occurrence.

ALESTAIR CROWLEY:  Because it was its True Will to do so.


CHARLES DARWIN:  It was the next logical step after coming down from the trees.

CHARLES DARWIN (revisited):  Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

THOMAS DEQUINCY:  Because it ran out of opium.

JACQUES DERRIDA:  Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!

RENE DESCARTES:  It had sufficient reason to believe it was dreaming anyway.

EMILY DICKINSON:  Because it could not stop for death.

BOB DYLAN:  How many roads must one chicken cross?

ALBERT EINSTEIN:  Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

T.S. ELIOT:  It's not that they cross, but that they cross like chickens.

TS ELIOT (revisited):  Do I dare to cross the road?

TS ELIOT (re-revisited):  Weialala leia / Wallala leialala

RALPH WALDO EMERSON:  The chicken did not cross the road -- it transcended it.

EPICURUS:  For fun.

PAUL ERDOS:  It was forced to do so by the chicken-hole principle.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

BASIL FAWLTY:  Oh, don't mind that chicken. It's from Barcelona.

GERALD R. FORD:  It probably fell from an airplane and couldn't stop its forward momentum.

SIGMIND FREUD:  The chicken was obviously a female and obviously interpreted the pole on which the crosswalk sign was mounted as a phallic symbol of which she was envious, selbstverstaendlich.

SIGMUND FREUD (revisited):  The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

ROBERT FROST:  To cross the road less traveled by.

GANDALF:  O chicken, do not meddle in the affairs of roads, for you are tasty and good with barbecue sauce.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. Unfortunately, when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999, but this new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C % ........ reboot.

GILLIGAN:  The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to cross. If not for the plumage of its peerless tail the chicken would be lost, the chicken would be lost!

JOHANN FRIEDRICH VON GOETHE:  The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

GRANDPA:  In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

GARY GYGAX:  Because I rolled a 64 on the "Chicken Random Behaviors" chart on page 497 of the Dungeon Master's Guide.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die.  Alone.  In the rain.

ADOLF HITLER:  It needed Lebensraum.

DAVID HUME:  Out of custom and habit.

DOUGLAS HOFSTADTER:  To seek explication of the correspondence between appearance and essence through the mapping of the external road-object onto the internal road-concept.

HAMLET:  Because 'tis better to suffer in the mind the slings and arrows of outrageous road maintenance than to take arms against a sea of oncoming vehicles...

HIPPOCRATES:  Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:  This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

WERNER HEISENBERG:  We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

LEE IACOCCA:  It found a better car, which was on the other side of the road.

CARL JUNG:  The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

JOHN PAUL JONES:  It has not yet begun to cross!

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR:  It had a dream.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. (revisited):  I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GOTTFRIED VON LEIBNIZ:  In this best possible world, the road was made for it to cross.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

H.P. LOVECRAFT:  To futilely attempt escape from the dark powers which even then pursued it, hungering after the stuff of its soul!

LEDA:  Are you sure it wasn't Zeus dressed up as a chicken? He's into that kind of thing, you know.

STAN LAUREL:  I'm sorry, Ollie. It escaped when I opened the run.

TIMOTHY LEARY:  Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let him take.

DR. PHIL MCGRAW:  The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

FOX MULDER:  You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

GREGOR MENDEL:  To get various strains of roads.

GROUCHO MARX:  Chicken? What's all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we needed the eggs.

JOHN MILTON:  To justify the ways of GOD to men.

KARL MARK:  It was a historical inevitability.

KARL MARX (revisited):  To escape the bourgeois middle-class struggle.

NICCOLO MACHIAVELLI:  So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.

NICCOLO MACHIAVELLI (revisited):  The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

MOSES:  And God came down from the heavens, and he said unto the Chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

MOSES (revisited):  Know ye that it is unclean to eat the chicken that has crossed the road, and that the chicken that crosseth the road doth so for its own preservation.

JACK NICHOLSON:  'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.

MIKE NESMITH:  It wanted those little packs of Chinese mustard.

FRIEDRICH NEITZSCHE:  Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

OLIVER NORTH:  National Security was at stake.

RICHARD M. NIXON:  The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did *not* cross the road.

SIR ISAAC NEWTON:  Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.

DOROTHY PARKER:  Travel, trouble, music, art / A kiss, a frock, a rhyme / The chicken never said they fed its heart / But still they pass its time.

MICHAEL PALIN:  Nobody expects the banished inky chicken!

PLATO:  For the greater good.

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...


THOMAS PAINE:  Out of common sense.

WOLFGANG PAULI:  There already was a chicken on the other side of the road.

GEORG FRIEDRICH RIEMANN:  The answer appears in Dirichlet's lectures.


TRENT REZNOR:  Because the world is FUCKED UP and it HATES ITSELF for being such a PITIFUL WHINY USELESS SHIT!

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

B.F. SKINNER:  Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross road, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.

JEAL-PAUL SARTRE:  In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

JERRY SEINFELD:  Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this *chicken* doing walking around all over the place anyway?"

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

JOHN SUNUNU:  The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

OLIVER STONE:  The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" But is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?”

SAPPHO:  For the touch of your skin, the sweetness of your lips...

SISYPHUS:  Was it pushing a rock, too?

SOCRATES:  To pick up some hemlock at the corner druggist.

THE SPHINX:  You tell me.

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE:  I don't know why, but methinks I could rattle off a hundred-line soliloquy without much ado.

DYLAN THOMAS:  To not go [sic] gentle into that good night.

HENRY DAVID THOREAU:  To live deliberately...and suck all the marrow out of life.

J.R.R. TOLKIEN:  The chicken, sunlight coruscating off its radiant yellow-white coat of feathers, approached the dark, sullen asphalt road and scrutinized it intently with its obsidian-black eyes. Every detail of the thoroughfare leapt into blinding focus:  the rough texture of the surface, over which countless tires had worked their relentless tread through the ages; the innumerable fragments of stone embedded within the lugubrious mass, perhaps quarried from the great pits where the Sons of Man labored not far from here; the dull black asphalt itself, exuding those waves of heat which distort the sight and bring weakness to the body; the other attributes of the great highway too numerous to give name. And then it crossed it.

MARGARET THATCHER:  There was no alternative.

MARK TWAIN:  The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

MR. T:  If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!

THOMAS DE TORQUEMADA:  Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

DARTH VADER:  Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

GEORGE WASHINGTON:  Actually it crossed the Delaware with me back in 1776. But most history books don't reveal that I bunked with a birdie during the duration.

OPRAH WINFREY:  Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

LUDWIG VON WITTGENSTEIN:  The possibility of "crossing' was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

MAE WEST:  I invited it to come up and see me sometime.

ROBERT ANTON WILSON:  Because agents of the Ancient Illuminated Roosters of Cooperia were controlling it with their Orbital Mind-Control Lasers as part of their master plan to take over the world's egg production.

WALT WHITMAN:  To cluck the song of itself.

WILLIAM WORDSWORTH:  To have something to recollect in tranquility.

MALCOLM X:  Because it would get across that road by any means necessary.

HENNY YOUNGMAN:  Take this chicken...please.

MOLLY YARD:  It was a hen!

ZENO OF ELEA:  To prove it could never reach the other side.

ZSA ZSA GABOR:  It probably crossed to get a better look at my legs, which, thank goodness, are good, dahling.

******* STAR TREK SECTION *******

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:  To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK (revisited):  You chicken bastard, you killed my son...YOU chicken BASTARD, you killed...my SON...you CHICKEN bastard....youkilledmy...son!

SPOCK:  Fascinating, Captain.

SCOTTY:  Because she couldna take much morrrrrre.

SCOTTY (revisited):  'Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning properly. Ah canna work miracles, Captain!

SULU:  Don't call me Tiny!

BONES:  Dammit, I'm a doctor, not an ornithologist!

CHEKOV:  It must have been on its way to assist in saving my life for the billionth time..did I scream this time?

UHURA:  Shall I open hailing frequencies so you can ask it, sir?

KHAN:  With my last breath I spit at the chicken...

HARVEY MUDD:  Chicken? I don't remember any chicken. No no no, there's been a terrible misunderstanding.

SAREK:  Sometimes logic fails me where chickens are concerned.

STAR FLEET COMMAND:  We're not certain at this point, but there have been rumors of Romulan involvement.


V'GER:  To join with the Creator.

CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD:  To see what's out there.

COMMANDER WILL RIKER:  I don't know why, but I know how:  with pleasure, sir.

DEANNA TROI:  I feel the chicken's pain!

TASHA YAR:  That depends...was it fully functional?

WESLEY CRUSHER:  I'm not sure, but I can figure it out if I reroute these systems and reconfigure the warp field and run a complete internal whootchacallit on the computers and...

WORF:  I don't know. KLINGON chickens do NOT cross roads.

CHIEF MILES O’BRIEN:  No problem, Commander, I'll get right on it.

Q:  Wouldn't you like to know? Too bad your puny human brain wouldn't be able to comprehend the answer.

LWAXANA TROI:  Oh, Jean-Luc!

DATA:  The chicken, in observing that it was on the opposite side of the 20th century Terran paved roadway, was aware that its immediate goal should have been to traverse the distance without interception by an kind of combustion-propelled personal transport vehicle, but I am unclear as to why any kind of domesticated fowl should desire to perambulate upon a conveyance normally reserved for the usage of...yes, sir.

DR. BEVERLY CRUSHER:  If there's nothing wrong with the chicken, there must be something wrong with the universe.

GEORDI LAFORGE:  Well, wherever it's going, I'm sure it'll have more luck with women than I do.

THE BORG:  Crossing the road is irrelevant. The chicken will be assimilated.

HUGH THE BORG:  Maybe it just needed a big hug!


B’ELANNA:  I'm sure it felt suffocated by all the bleeping regulations of bleeping Starfleet and just couldn't stand it any longer!

B'ELANNA (revisited):  It probably couldn't live with its goose half anymore.

DR. BASHIR:  It probably heard about my amazing medical skills not to mention my sexual prowess and came to get some pointers.

CHAKOTAY:  Whatever its reason, whatever its goals, we should respect its right to cross the road and seek its own spiritual awareness.

CHARLIE X:  Because it didn't want to STAY...STAY...STAY...

THE CARETAKER:  There's no time!

DAX:  To get to the other side. Kurzon might have disagreed with me, Tobin I'm sure wouldn't have had a clue,and then there's...

GUL DUKAT:  Well, that's a very interesting question...I'm sure we can work out some kind of arrangement to obtain that information that will be to everyone's satisfaction.

GARAK:  You still haven't figured that out yet, have you?

HARRY:  I don't know, it's my first mission.

HOLODOC:  How should I know? No one tells me anything around here. I didn't even know we added chickens to the crew. All I know is that it would have been nice, BEFORE the chicken went off to the cross the road, if it had remembered to turn me off!

JAKE:  Check out the babe that just came off that transport!

CAPTAIN JANEWAY:  Its primary goal was no doubt to get back to the Alpha Quadrant...and it probably misses its dog.

ENSIGN KIM:  They didn't tell us about chickens at the Academy.

KES:  It was remembering back to the times when its ancestors crossed roads all the time! They lost those abilities because they stopped using them!

KIRA:  It was probably being chased by those cursed Cardassians.

NEELIX:  Actually, Captain, I'm not really familiar with the chickens in this system. But, if you can catch it, I can cook it.

THE GRAND NAGUS:  Stupid chicken! You don't cross the road all at once! You sneak across it quietly, without anyone noticing!

KAI OPAKA:  It's pa probably wasn't strong enough.

ODO:  I don't know, but I'm sure it must be Quark's fault.

PARIS:  Well, I think that...say, that's a lovely shirt you're wearing.

QUARK:  I'll tell you that, for 2 bars of Latinum....

DR. SORAN:  His heart just wasn't in it. (Scenes of chicken torture with nanoprobes have been edited out.)

SISKO:  It was seeking deeper meaning. Jake, do you see what we've learned from all this?

TUVOK:  That's not a question we'd prefer to hear from a senior officer. It makes the junior officers nervous.

THE VIDIIANS:  We took it to Organ Processing.

KAI WINN:  Is that what's really troubling you, child?

GENE RODDENBERRY:  To boldy go where no one had gone before.


INIGO:  Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You have crossed my father's road. Prepare to die.

WESLEY:  It's terribly fashionable, I think everyone will be doing it in the future.

FEZZIK:  Because if it did not it would look like a toad!

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