WORLD IDEOLOGIES AS EXPLAINED BY REFERENCE TO COWS


DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALISM
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

PURE SOCIALISM
You have two cows.
The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows.
You have to take care of all the cows.
The government gives you a glass of milk.
 
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM
Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers.
You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers.
The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
 
PURE COMMUNISM
You have two cows.
Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

BUREAUCRATIC COMMUNISM
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

PRACTICAL COMMUNISM
You share two cows with your neighbors.
You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need."
Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.
 
APPLIED COMMUNISM
You have two cows.
You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
 
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM
You have two cows.
You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.
 
FEUDALISM
You have two cows.
Your lord takes some of the milk.

DICTATORSHIP
You have two cows.
The government takes both and drafts you.
 
PURE DEMOCRACY
You have two cows.
Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

NIGERIAN DEMOCRACY
You have two cows.
The government takes both, shoots you and sends the cows to Zurich.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY
You have two cows.
The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY
You have two cows.
Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

AMERICAN REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY
The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it.
After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures.
The press dubs the affair "Cowgate."
The cows sue you for breach of contract.

BRITISH DEMOCRACY
You have two cows.
You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad.
The government does not do anything.

BUREAUCRACY
You have two cows.
At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them.
Then it pays you not to milk them.
Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain.
Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
 
CAPITALISM
You don't have any cows.
The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.
 
AMERICAN CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows.
The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the right to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company.
The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because of bad feng shui.

FASCISM
You have two cows.
The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
 
DICTATORSHIP
You have two cows.
The government takes both and shoots you.

FEUDALISM
You have two cows.
Your lord takes some of the milk.

TOTALITARIANISM
You have two cows.
The government takes them and denies they ever existed.
Milk is banned.

MILITARISM
You have two cows.
The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE ANARCHY
You have two cows.
Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
 
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.1111111111111111111111111111
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking cow.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
You are associated with (the concept of 'ownership' is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

CALIFORNIAN
You have a cow and a bull.
The bull is depressed.
It has spent its life living a lie.
It goes away for two weeks.
It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.
You now have two cows.
One makes milk; the other doesn't.
You try to sell the transgender cow.
Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.
You lose in court.
You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.
You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.
You change your business to beef. PETA pickets your farm.
Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.
Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows".
Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the children".
Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico.
The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats.
You declare bankruptcy! and shut down all operations.
The cow starves to death.
The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.

OLYMPICS-ISM
You have two cows, one American, one Chinese.
With the help of trilling violins and state of the art montage photography, Bob Costas narrates the moving tale of how the American cow overcame the agony of growing up in a suburb with (gasp) divorced parents, then mentions in passing that the Chinese cow was beaten every day by a tyrannical farmer and watched its parents butchered before its eyes.
The American cow wins the competition, severely spraining an udder in a gritty performance, and gets a multi-million dollar contract to endorse Wheaties.
The Chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot by Chinese government officials, though no one ever hears about it.
McDonald's buys the meat and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant.
 

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