Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
An Exhaustive Analysis, alphabetized


MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraqi ambassador):  The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication.We don't even have a chicken.

ARISTOTLE: To actualize its potential.  It is the inherent nature of the chicken to cross the road.

BALDRICK: It had a cunning plan.

ROSEANNE BARR: Urrrrrp. What chicken?

BILL THE CAT: Oop Ack. Phhhthpt.

HANZ BLIX:  We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

NEAL BOORTZ:  Government.  Always riding to the rescue with a program, to undo the harm that GOVERNMENT causes.  But do you think a pinheaded li'l chicken can understand that?  Suuuure.  Maybe you'd better take a good look at him, and hurry up and plan your escape route.

PAT  BUCHANAN:   To steal a job  from a decent, hard-working American, my friends.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

GEORGE HERBERT WALKER BUSH: To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of headlights.

GEORGE W. BUSH: I have told the people of this country that over two decades ago I made some mistakes, when I was younger and crossed the road with that chicken. I have learned from those mistakes. Should I become the president, my pledge to the American people is that I will uphold the honor and dignity of the office to which I have been elected and will not again cross the road with the chicken.

JULIUS CAESAR: To come, to see, to conquer.

CANDIDE: To cultivate its garden.

BILL CLINTON: I have NEVER crossed the road with THAT chicken. What do you exactly mean by "chicken"? Could you please define "chicken?" There is no evidence that I crossed the road with THAT chicken. However, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a job in New York.

JOSEPH CONRAD: Mistah Chicken, he dead.

JOHN CONSTANTINE: Because it'd made a bollocks of things over on this side of the road and figured it'd better.

HOWARD COSELL: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapiens pedestrians is a truly remarkable occurence.

ALEISTER CROWLEY: Because it was its True Will to do so.


CHARLES DARWIN: It was the next logical step after coming down from the trees.  Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

THOMAS DEQUINCY: Because it ran out of opium.

JACQUES DERRIDA: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!

RENE DESCARTES: It had sufficient reason to believe it was dreaming anyway.

EMILY DICKINSON: Because it could not stop for death.

CELINE DION:  Near, far, wherever you are/I believe that the chicken does go on/Once more, you crossed the road/And you're here on this side,/and the chicken will go on and on.

BOB DYLAN: How many roads must one chicken cross?

EDWIN EDWARDS: Everyone knows that the chicken is jealous of me since I won my last election by a landslide, thus saving the good people of Louisiana from the evil CCC (CooCluckChickens). Why are you surprised that the chicken would now be in collusion with the Federal Government in bringing these false charges against me?

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

T.S.ELIOT: Weialala leia / Wallala leialala

T.S.ELIOT (revisited): Do I dare to cross the road?

T.S. ELIOT (revisited again): It's not that they cross, but that they cross like chickens.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road -- it transcended it.

EPICURUS: For fun.

PAUL ERDOS: It was forced to do so by the chicken-hole principle.

JERRY  FALWELL:  Because the  chicken was gay!  Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in  front of your face?   The chicken was going to the "other" side.  That's what they call it -- the other side!  Yes, my friends, that  chicken is gay.  And,  if you eat that chicken, YOU will become gay too.  I say boycott all chickens until we sort out  this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other  side."   That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

BASIL FAWLTY: Oh, don't mind that chicken. It's from Barcelona.

ARI FLEISCHER:  I've already answered that.

GERALD R. FORD: It probably fell from an airplane and couldn't stop its forward momentum.

SIGMUND FREUD: The chicken was obviously a female and obviously interpreted the pole on which the crosswalk sign was mounted as a phallic symbol of which she was envious, selbstverstaendlich. The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity and frustration.

ROBERT FROST: To cross the road less traveled by.

ZSA ZSA GABOR: It probably crossed to get a better look at my legs, which, thank goodness, are good, dahling.

GANDALF: O chicken, do not meddle in the affairs of roads, for you are tasty and good with barbecue sauce.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2004, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Note: Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken. I will soon release the new Chicken Office 2004, which will not only cross roads, but it will lay eggs, file your important documents AND balance your checkbook. Unfortunately, when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.

GILLIGAN: The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to cross. If not for the plumage of its peerless tail the chicken would be lost, the chicken would be lost!

JOHANN FRIEDRICH VON GOETHE: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

AL GORE:  I invented the chicken.  I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road  represented the application of these two different functions  of government.  There is a growing consensus in this country above party and partisanship that it is time to get the chickens off our streets, out of our schools, and away from kids and criminals. That is why it is so astonishing that the Republican leadership of this Congress has practically handed the Speaker's gavel over to the chicken lobby. When it comes to chickens, the Republicans are letting the National Chicken Association control the agenda -- beak, feathers and gizzard. It is wrong; it is outrageous; and we're going to fight them until we get the protections our families need.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

HAMLET: Because 'tis better to suffer in the mind the slings and arrows of outrageous road maintenance than to take arms against a sea of oncoming vehicles...

WERNER HEISENBERG: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.  Alone.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.

ADOLF HITLER: It needed Lebensraum.

DOUGLAS HOFSTADTER: To seek explication of the correspondence between appearance and essence through the mapping of the external road-object onto the internal road-concept.

DAVID HUME: Out of custom and habit.

LEE IACOCCA: It found a better car, which was on the other side of the road.

JOHN PAUL JONES: It has not yet begun to cross!

CARL JUNG: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: It had a dream. It envisioned a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

STAN LAUREL: I'm sorry, Ollie. It escaped when I opened the run.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let him take.

LEDA: Are you sure it wasn't Zeus dressed up as a chicken? He's into that kind of thing, you know.

GOTTFRIED VON LEIBNIZ: In this best possible world, the road was made for it to cross.

JOHN  LENNON:  Imagine all the  chickens crossing roads in peace.

RUSH  LIMBAUGH:  I don't know  why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government  grant to cross the road, and  I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help  chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome.  Can you believe this?  How  much more of this can real  Americans take?  Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax  dollars, and when I say tax  dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads  for chickens to  cross.

HUEY P LONG: Chickens will be crossing the new and improved state roads and jumping right into your pots if I am elected. Chickens will continue to cross roads until not one man, woman, or child in the state of Louisiana is hungry.

LOS ANGELES POLICE DEPARTMENT: give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.

H.P. LOVECRAFT: To futilely attempt escape from the dark powers which even then pursued it, hungering after the stuff of its soul!

MACHIAVELLI: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained. The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

MALCOLM X: Because it would get across that road by any means necessary.

GROUCHO MARX: Chicken? What's all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we needed the eggs. .

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability; to escape the bourgeois middle-class struggle

GREGOR MENDEL: To get various strains of roads.

JOHN MILTON: To justify the ways of GOD to men.

MOSES: And God came down from the heavens, and he said unto the Chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And verily, the Chicken did cross the road, and there was much rejoicing. Know ye that it is unclean to eat the chicken that hath crossed the road, and that the chicken that crosseth the road doth so for its own preservation.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

RALPH NADER:  The chicken's  habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked  industrialist greed. The  chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road  because it was crushed by  the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

MIKE NESMITH: It wanted those little packs of Chinese mustard.

ALFRED E NEUMANN: What? Me worry?

SIR ISAAC NEWTON: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.

JACK NICHOLSON: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.

FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did *not* cross the road.

OLIVER NORTH: National Security was at stake.

THOMAS PAINE: Out of common sense.

MICHAEL PALIN: Nobody expects the banished inky chicken!

DOROTHY PARKER: Travel, trouble, music, art / A kiss, a frock, a rhyme / The chicken never said they fed its heart / But still they pass its time.

WOLFGANG PAULI: There already was a chicken on the other side of the road.

PLATO: For the greater good.

COLIN POWELL:  Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

PRICEWATERHOUSECOOPERS: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. PricewaterhouseCoopers, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), PwC helped the chicken use its skills, people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. PricewaterhouseCoopers convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with PwC consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting an implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chickens mission, vision and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. PricewaterhouseCoopers helped the chicken change to become more successful.



GEORG FRIEDRICH RIEMANN: The answer appears in Dirichlet's lectures.

DONALD RUMSFELD:  I've already told you why I'm not going to answer that.

DONALD RUMSFELD (revisited):  We can only speculate as to why.  But  look, let's get one thing  straight.  These chickens aren't baking cookies.   We're dealing with fowl whose only goal is to maim and kill.  We've connected  the dots, and now we need to be forward leaning and blow that whole road all to hell without delay.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

SAPPHO: For the touch of your skin, the sweetness of your lips...

JEAN-PAUL SARTRE: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

MICHAEL SAVAGE:  Listen up America!  We now have chickens crossing our roads.  American roads!  Built by the sweat of Americans!  And the red diaper doper babies just sit there and watch it happening........ Coops, fences, dumplings.  ohyeahandifyoudon'tbuymybookyou'reanogoodpinkocommie (click!)

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this *chicken* doing walking around all over the place anyway?"

DR.  SEUSS:    Did the chicken  cross the road?
                        Did he cross  it with a toad?
                        Yes!   The chicken crossed the road,
                        But why it crossed, I've not been  told!

B.F. SKINNER: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross road, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.

JOHN SUNUNU: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: I don't know why, but methinks I could rattle off a hundred-line soliloquy without much ado.

SISYPHUS: Was it pushing a rock, too?

SOCRATES: To pick up some hemlock at the corner druggist.

THE SPHINX: You tell me.

KEN STARR: I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the President of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the President's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Reverend Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer.

MARTHA  STEWART:  No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain  level.  No little bird gave me any insider information.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" But is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

MR. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!

MARGARET THATCHER: There was no alternative.

DYLAN THOMAS: To not go [sic] gentle into that good night.

HENRY DAVID THOREAU: To live deliberately . . . and suck all the marrow out of life.

J.R.R. TOLKEIN: The chicken, sunlight coruscating off its radient yellow-white coat of feathers, approached the dark, sullen asphalt road and scrutinized it intently with its obsidian-black eyes. Every detail of the thoroughfare leapt into blinding focus: the rough texture of the surface, over which countless tires had worked their relentless tread through the ages; the innumerable fragments of stone embedded within the lugubrious mass, perhaps quarried from the great pits where the Sons of Man labored not far from here; the dull black asphalt itself, exuding those waves of heat which distort the sight and bring weakness to the body; the other attributes of the great highway too numerous to give name. And then it crossed it.

THOMAS DE TORQUEMADA: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

MARK TWAIN: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

DARTH VADER: Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side.

VOLTAIRE:  I may not agree  with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.

BARBARA WALTERS:  Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long  dream of crossing the road.

GEORGE WASHINGTON: Actually it crossed the Delaware with me back in 1776. But most history books don't reveal that I bunked with a birdie during the duration.

MAE WEST: I invited it to come up and see me sometime.

WALT WHITMAN: To cluck the song of itself.

ROBERT ANTON WILSON: Because agents of the Ancient Illuminated Roosters of Cooperia were controlling it with their Orbital Mind-Control Lasers as part of their master plan to take over the world's egg production.

LUDWIG VON WITTGENSTEIN: The possibility of "crossing' was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

WILLIAM WORDSWORTH: To have something to recollect in tranquility.

MOLLY YARD: It was a hen!

HENNY YOUNGMAN: Take this chicken . . . please.

ZENO OF ELEA: To prove it could never reach the other side.


DR. BASHIR: It probably heard about my amazing medical skills not to mention my sexual prowess and came to get some pointers.

B'ELANNA: I'm sure it felt suffocated by all the bleeping regulations of bleeping Starfleet and just couldn't stand it any longer!

B'ELANNA (revisited): It probably couldn't live with its goose half anymore.

THE BORG: Crossing the road is irrelevant. The chicken will be assimilated.

THE CARETAKER: There's no time!

CHAKOTAY: Whatever its reason, whatever its goals, we should respect its right to cross the road and seek its own spiritual awareness.

NURSE CHAPEL: Oh, Mr. Spock!

CHARLIE X: Because it didn't want to STAY...STAY...STAY...

CHEKOV: It must have been on its way to assist in saving my life for the billionth time..did I scream this time?

DR. BEVERLY CRUSHER: If there's nothing wrong with the chicken, there must be something wrong with the universe.

WESLEY CRUSHER: I'm not sure, but I can figure it out if I reroute these systems and reconfigure the warp field and run a complete internal whootchacallit on the computers and...

LIEUTENANT COMMANDER DATA: The chicken, in observing that it was on the opposite side of the 20th century Terran paved roadway, was aware that its immediate goal should have been to traverse the distance without interception by an kind of combustion-propelled personal transport vehicle, but I am unclear as to why any kind of domesticated fowl should desire to perambulate upon a conveyance normally reserved for the usage of...yes, sir.

DAX: To get to the other side. Kurzon might have disagreed with me, Tobin I'm sure wouldn't have had a clue,and then there's...

GUL DUKAT: Well, that's a very interesting question...I'm sure we can work out some kind of arrangement to obtain that information that will be to everyone's satisfaction.

GARAK: You still haven't figured that out yet, have you?

HARRY: I don't know, it's my first mission.

HOLODOC: How should I know? No one tells me anything around here. I didn't even know we added chickens to the crew. All I know is that it would have been nice, BEFORE the chicken went off to the cross the road, if it had remembered to turn me off!


HUGH THE BORG: Maybe it just needed a big hug!

JAKE: Check out the babe that just came off that transport!

CAPTAIN JANEWAY: Its primary goal was no doubt to get back to the Alpha Quadrant...and it probably misses its dog.

KHAN: With my last breath I spit at the chicken...

KES: It was remembering back to the times when its ancestors crossed roads all the time! They lost those abilities because they stopped using them!

ENSIGN KIM: They didn't tell us about chickens at the Academy.

KIRA: It was probably being chased by those cursed Cardassians.

CAPTAIN JAMES TIBERIUS KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

CAPTAIN JAMES TIBERIUS KIRK (revisited): You chicken bastard, you killed my son...YOU chicken BASTARD, you killed...my SON...you CHICKEN bastard....youkilledmy...son!

GEORDI LaFORGE: Well, wherever it's going, I'm sure it'll have more luck with women than I do.

DR. "BONES" McCOY: Dammit, I'm a doctor, not an ornithologist!

HARVEY MUDD: Chicken? I don't remember any chicken. No no no, there's been a terrible misunderstanding.

THE GRAND NAGUS: Stupid chicken! You don't cross the road all at once! You sneak across it quietly, without anyone noticing!

NEELIX: Actually, Captain, I'm not really familiar with the chickens in this system. But, if you can catch it, I can cook it.

CHIEF MILES O'BRIEN: No problem, Commander, I'll get right on it.

ODO: I don't know, but I'm sure it must be Quark's fault.

KAI OPAKA: It's pa probably wasn't strong enough.

PARIS: Well, I think that...say, that's a lovely shirt you're wearing.

CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: To see what's out there.

CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD (revisited): There are four lights!

Q: Wouldn't you like to know? Too bad your puny human brain wouldn't be able to comprehend the answer.

QUARK: Who, me?

QUARK (revisited): I'll tell you that, for 2 bars of Latinum....

COMMANDER WILLIAM T. RIKER: I don't know why, but I know how: with pleasure, sir.

GENE RODDENBERRY: To boldy go where no one had gone before.

SAREK: Sometimes logic fails me where chickens are concerned.

CHIEF ENGINEER MONTGOMERY SCOTT: 'Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning properly. Ah canna work miracles, Captain!

CHIEF ENGINEER MONTGOMERY SCOTT (revisited): Because she couldna take much morrrrrre.

SISKO: It was seeking deeper meaning. Jake, do you see what we've learned from all this?

DR SORAN: His heart just wasn't in it. (Scenes of chicken torture with nanoprobes have been edited out.)

SPOCK: Fascinating, Captain.

STARFLEET COMMAND: We're not certain at this point, but there have been rumors of Romulan involvement.

SULU: Don't call me Tiny!

COUNSELOR DEANNA TROI: I feel the chicken's pain!


TUVOK: That's not a question we'd prefer to hear from a senior officer. It makes the junior officers nervous.

LIEUTENANT UHURA: Shall I open hailing frequencies so you can ask it, sir?

V'GER: To join with the Creator.

THE VIDIANS: We took it to Organ Processing.

KAI WINN: Is that what's really troubling you, child?

LIEUTENANT WORF: I don't know. KLINGON chickens do NOT cross roads.

TASHA YAR: That depends...was it fully functional?


FEZZIK: Because if it did not it would look like a toad!

INIGO: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You have crossed my father's road. Prepare to die.

WESLEY: It's terribly fashionable, I think everyone will be doing it in the future.


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