Quotations

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Please send corrections, etc. to nourse@bellsouth.net

 

Gangs are never goin' to die out. You all goin' to get us jobs?

 

            -- 16 year old Grape Street Crip Gang-member

 

There is considerable evidence that great empires and civilizations have been undone not by barbarian invaders but by climatic change.

 

            -- 1977 CIA report

 

Excuse me, Worker, I'll just be a nanosecond.

 

            -- A computer, from Firesign Theater's “I Think We're All Bozos On This Bus”

 

If you took everyone who's ever been to a Dead show, and lined them up, they'd stretch halfway to the moon and back . . . and none of them would be complaining.

 

            -- a local Deadhead in the Seattle Times

 

One man's Mede is another man's Persian.

 

            -- A member of the Algonquin Round Table

 

If you've seen one Grand Canyon, you've seen them all.

 

            -- a member of the Monkey Wrench Gang

 

Morality is one thing. Ratings are everything.

 

            -- A Network 23 executive on Max Headroom

 

[May one] doubt whether, in cheese and timber, worms are generated, or, if beetles and wasps, in cow-dung, or if butterflies, locusts, shellfish, snails, eels, and such life be procreated of putrefied matter, which is to receive the form of that creature to which it is by formative power disposed[?] To question this is to question reason, sense, and experience. If he doubts this, let him go to Egypt, and there he will find the fields swarming with mice begot of the mud of the Nylus, to the great calamity of the inhabitants.

 

            -- A seventeenth century opinion quoted by L. L. Woodruff, in *The Evolution of Earth and Man*, 1929

 

I am here by the will of the people and I won't leave until I get my raincoat back.

 

            -- a slogan of the anarchists in Richard Kadrey's Metrophage

 

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

 

            -- A Yale University management professor in response to student Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

 

Flappity, floppity, flip

The mouse on the mobius strip;

The strip revolved,

The mouse dissolved

In a chronodimensional skip . . ..

And malt does more than Milton can

to justify God's ways to man

 

            -- A. E. Housman

 

Terence, this is stupid stuff:

You eat your victuals fast enough;

There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,

To see the rate you drink your beer.

But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,

It gives a chap the belly-ache.

The cow, the old cow, she is dead;

It sleeps well the horned head:

We poor lads, 'tis our turn now

To hear such tunes as killed the cow.

Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme

Your friends to death before their time.

Moping, melancholy mad:

Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad.

 

            -- A. E. Housman

 

This is for all ill-treated fellows

Unborn and unbegot,

For them to read when they're in trouble

And I am not.

 

            -- A. E. Housman

 

Who made the world I cannot tell; 'Tis made, and here am I in hell. My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, I never soiled with such a deed.

 

            -- A. E. Housman

 

Crime does not pay . . .as well as politics.

 

            -- A. E. Newman

 

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

 

            -- A. J. Liebling (1904-1963)

 

The words `I am . . .' are potent words; be careful what you hitch them to. The thing you're claiming has a way of reaching back and claiming you.

 

            -- A. K. Kitselman

 

Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two complementary directions: to reduce the number of software errors through rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the remaining errors by providing for recovery from them. An interesting footnote to this design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be the result of two program errors: the first, in the program that started the problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the system.

 

            -- A. L. Scherr, Functional Structure of IBM Virtual Storage Operating Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2 Concepts and Philosophies, IBM Systems Journal, Vol. 12, No. 4, 1973, pp. 382-400

 

An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.

 

            -- A. P. Herbert

 

There is no law that vulgarity and literary excellence cannot coexist.

 

            -- A. Trevor Hodge

 

I'm against any law that I wouldn't break if I could get away with it.

 

            -- A. Whitney Brown, SNL

 

The Baptists' basic theology is that if you hold someone under water long enough, he'll come around to your way of thinking. It's a ritual known as 'Bobbing for Baptists.'

 

            -- A. Whitney Brown, The Big Picture

 

The Baptists believe in The Right to Life before you're born. They also believe in Life After Death, but that is a privilege and you have to earn it by spending the interim in guilt-ridden misery. At an early age I decided that living a life of pious misery in the hope of going to heaven when it's over is a lot like keeping your eyes shut all through a movie in the hope of getting your money back at the end.

 

            -- A. Whitney Brown, The Big Picture

 

There are a billion people in China. It's not easy to be an individual in a crowd of more than a billion people. Think of it. More than a BILLION people. That means even if you're a one-in-a-million type of guy, there are still a thousand guys exactly like you.

 

            -- A. Whitney Brown, The Big Picture

 

If one is to be called a liar, one may as well make an effort to deserve the name.

 

            -- A.A. Milne (1882-1956)

 

No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself on the grounds that it was human nature.

 

            -- A.A. Milne (1882-1956)

 

Freedom of the press is limited to those who own one.

 

            -- A.J. Liebling

 

How could I lose to such an idiot?

 

            -- Aaron Nimzovich (1886-1935), a shout from chess grandmaster

 

His ignorance is encyclopedic.

 

            -- Abba Eban (1915-)

 

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

 

            -- Abba Eban (1915-)

 

Stay away from needle drugs. Richard Nixon is the only dope worth shooting.

 

            -- Abbie Hoffman

 

The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.

 

            -- Abbie Hoffman

 

Ford is a fucking bimbo. Even in that famous picture of him making his own breakfast, he was marmalading the wrong side of his English muffin.

 

            -- Abbie Hoffman, Playboy Interview - May 1976

 

Understand that legal and illegal are political, and often arbitrary, categorizations; use and abuse are medical, or clinical, distinctions.

 

            -- Abbie Hoffman, Steal This Urine Test

 

ABC News will be right back with the Great Quake of '89, brought to you by Subaru.

 

            -- ABC News, October 18, 1989.

 

Patriotism in the female sex is the most disinterested of all virtues. Excluded from honors and from offices, we cannot attach ourselves to the State or Government from having held a place of eminence. Even in the freest countries our property is subject to the control and disposal of our partners, to whom the laws have given a sovereign authority. Deprived of a voice in legislation, obliged to submit to those laws which are imposed upon us, is it not sufficient to make us indifferent to the public welfare? Yet all history and every age exhibit instances of patriotic virtue in the female sex; which considering our situation equals the most heroic of yours.

 

            -- Abigail Adams, Letter to John Adams [June 18, 1782]

 

Whilst you are proclaiming peace and good will to men, emancipating all nations, you insist upon retaining an absolute power over wives. But you must remember that arbitrary power is like most other things which are very hard, very liable to be broken--and notwithstanding all your wise laws and maxims we have it in our power not only to free ourselves but to subdue our masters, and without violence throw both your natural and legal authority at our feet.

 

            -- Abigail Adams, Letter to John Adams [May 7, 1776]

 

In Biblical times, a man could have as many wives as he could afford. Just like today.

 

            -- Abigail Van Buren

 

The best index to a person's character is a) how he treats people who can't do him any good and b) how he treats people who can't fight back.

 

            -- Abigail Van Buren

 

How should they answer?

 

            -- Abigail Van Buren, in reply to the question: Why do Jews always answer a question with a question?

 

Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding.

 

            -- Abraham Kaplan

 

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

 

            -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

 

Character is like a tree and reputation like its shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing.

 

            -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

 

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

 

            -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

 

I am approached with the most opposite opinions and advice, and by men who are equally certain that they represent the divine will. I am sure that either the one or the other is mistaken in the belief, and perhaps in some respects, both.  I hope it will not be irreverent of me to say that if it is probable that God would reveal his will to others on a point so connected with my duty, it might be supposed he would reveal it directly to me.

 

            -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

 

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

 

            -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

 

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

 

            -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

 

It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.

 

            -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

 

It is not best to swap horses while crossing the river.

 

            -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

 

It's better to be silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.

 

            -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

 

Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.

 

            -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

 

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.

 

            -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

 

Neither Heaven nor Hell. It is simply Purgatory.

 

            -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

 

People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.

 

            -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

 

Prohibition  . . . strikes a blow at the very principles upon which our government was founded.

 

            -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

 

The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I could never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma.

 

            -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

 

The Bible is not my book, and Christianity is not my religion. I could never give assent to the long, complicated statements of Christian dogma.

 

            -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

 

The provision of the Constitution giving the war-making power to Congress was dictated, as I understand it, by the following reasons. Kings had always been involving and impoverishing their people in wars, pretending generally, if not always, that the good of the people was the object. This, our Convention understood to be the most oppressive of all Kingly oppressions; and they resolved to so frame the Constitution that no one man should hold the power of bringing this oppression upon us.

 

            -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

 

One of the great joys in my life is sitting on my back porch, playing a Hohner Harmonica, and smoking a hemp cigarette.

 

            -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865), according to Hohner Harmonica Co.

 

Bookstore avis screen deans ago, our fort fathers brownies front it on fits continent a new nation, concerned in in berry and bridge area to fire proposition that air me fire created erasers.

 

            -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865), Gettysburg Address if he'd been writing his notes on a Newton instead of paper.

 

I see in the near future a crisis approaching that unnerves me and causes me to tremble for the safety of my country. . . . Corporations have been enthroned, an era of corruption in high places will follow, and the money-power of the country will endeavor to prolong its reign by working upon the prejudices of the people until the wealth is aggregated in a few hands and the Republic is destroyed.

 

            -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865), quoted in Jack London's The Iron Heel

 

Do not be deceived. Revolutions do not run backwards.

 

            -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865), railsplitter, lawyer, imperialist

 

The Ten Commandments contain 297 words, the Bill of Rights 463 words, and Lincoln's Gettysburg Address 266 words. A recent federal directive regulating the price of cabbage contains 26,911 words.

 

            -- According to an article in the New York Times

 

[Be it resolved] that all women, of whatever age, rank, profession, or degree; whether virgin maids or widows; that shall after the passing of this Act, impose upon and betray into matrimony any of His Majesty's male subjects, by scents, paints, cosmetics, washes, artificial teeth, false hair, Spanish wool, iron stays, hoops, high-heeled shoes, or bolstered hips, shall incur the penalty of the laws now in force against witchcraft, sorcery, and such like misdemeanours, and that the marriage, upon conviction, shall stand null and void.

 

            -- Act of Parliament, 1670

 

For John Caputo, hermeneutics means radical thinking without transcendental justification: attending to the ruptures and irregularities in existence before the metaphysics of presence has a chance to smooth them over. Radical Hermeneutics forges a closer collaboration between the hermeneutics and deconstruction than has previously been attempted.

 

            -- ad for 'Radical Hermeneutics, Repetition, Deconstruction, and the Hermeneutics Project'

 

Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave.

 

            -- ad slogan 'Pepsi Comes Alive' as initially translated into Chinese

 

Giving English to an American is like giving sex to a child. He knows it's important but he doesn't know what to do with it.

 

            -- Adam Cooper (19th century)

 

All dogmas perish the thinking mind, especially ones you agree with.

 

            -- Adam Richardson

 

It is not from the benevolence of the butcher, the brewer, or the baker, that we expect our dinner, but from their regard to their own self-interest. We address ourselves, not to their humanity but to their self-love, and never talk to them of our own neccessities but of their advantages.

 

            -- Adam Smith (1723-1790)

 

The man scarce lives who is not more credulous than he ought to be . . .. The natural disposition is always to believe. It is acquired wisdom and experience only that teach incredulity, and they very seldom teach it enough.

 

            -- Adam Smith (1723-1790)

 

Illuminate the Opposition!

 

            -- Adam Weishaupt, Grand Primus Illuminatus

 

OK, that one's called a 'bug.'  So is that one.  They're all just 'bugs.'  I ain't doin' em all.

 

            -- Adam, naming the animals (Genesis 2:19-20)

 

God made man, and then said I can do better than that and made woman.

 

            -- Adela Rogers St. John

 

There is so little difference between husbands you might as well keep the first.

 

            -- Adela Rogers St. John

 

I think every woman is entitled to a middle husband she can forget.

 

            -- Adela Rogers St.John

 

A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.

 

            -- Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965)

 

Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.

 

            -- Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965)

 

Flattery is all right -- if you don't inhale.

 

            -- Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965)

 

I don't mind a little praise - as long as it's fulsome.

 

            -- Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965)

 

If we are to begin packaging ourselves as boxes of cereal, Democracy will die . . . for you could not win the presidency without proving unworthy of the job.

 

            -- Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965)

 

In America, anyone can become president. That's one of the risks you take.

 

            -- Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965)

 

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that he sometimes has to eat them.

 

            -- Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965)

 

The best reason I can think of for not running for President of the United States is that you have to shave twice a day.

 

            -- Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965)

 

Responsiblity is a unique concept. It can only reside and inhere in a single individual. You may share it with others, but your portion is not diminished. You may delegate it, but it is still with you. You may disclaim it, but you cannot divest yourself of it.

 

            -- Admiral Hyman Rickover

 

The great masses of the people . . . will more easily fall victims to a great lie than to a small one.

 

            -- Adolf Hitler (1889-1945)

 

Theater, art, literature, cinema . . . must be cleansed of all manifestations of our rotting world . . .

 

            -- Adolf Hitler (1889-1945)

 

What luck for rulers that men do not think.

 

            -- Adolf Hitler (1889-1945)

 

Without Gun Confiscation, The Streets Would Not Be Safe For The SS.

 

            -- Adolf Hitler (1889-1945)

 

I'll put an end to the idea that a woman's body belongs to her . . . the practice of abortion shall be exterminated with a strong hand.

 

            -- Adolf Hitler (1889-1945), Mein Kampf

 

The perfect host requires the perfect parasite.

 

            -- Adopted from Lance Fusco.

 

My wife has never worked. She's the least ambitious person I've ever met. She's a terrific wife. She hasn't the slightest interest in doing a career. She kind of lives this with me, and it's a terrific feeling. I come home and she's there.

 

            -- Adrian Lyne, director of Fatal Attraction

 

Be careful in revising those immigration laws of yours. We got careless with ours.

 

            -- advice given to Herbert Humphrey by an American Indian from New Mexico

 

Confound those who have said our remarks before us.

 

            -- Aelius Donatus

 

Don't get the idea that I'm knocking the American system.

 

            -- Al Capone (1899-1947)

 

I don't even know what street Canada is on.

 

            -- Al Capone (1899-1947)

 

Vote early and vote often.

 

            -- Al Capone (1899-1947)

 

When I sell liquor, it’s called bootlegging; when my patrons serve it on Lake Shore Drive, it’s called hospitality.

 

            -- Al Capone (1899-1947)

 

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

 

            -- Al Capone (1899-1947)

 

Abstract art: a product of the untalented sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered.

 

            -- Al Capp

 

George Bush taking credit for the Berlin Wall coming down is like the rooster taking credit for the sunrise.

 

            -- Al Gore - during 1992 Vice Presidential debate

 

Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.

 

            -- Alain van der Heide

 

It isn't necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It's only necessary to be rich.

 

            -- Alan Alda

 

Television is more interesting than people. If it were not, we would have people standing in the corners of our rooms.

 

            -- Alan Corenk

 

The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.

 

            -- Alan Coult

 

Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting.

 

            -- Alan Dean Foster To the Vanishing Point

 

Nobody wants justice.

 

            -- Alan Dershowitz

 

Women and cats do as they damned well please, and men and dogs had best learn to live with it.

 

            -- Alan Holbrook

 

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

 

            -- Alan Kay

 

Any medium powerful enough to extend man's reach is powerful enough to topple his world. To get the medium's magic to work for one's aims rather than against them is to attain literacy.

 

            -- Alan Kay, Computer Software, Scientific American, September 1984

 

Computer literacy is a contact with the activity of computing deep enough to make the computational equivalent of reading and writing fluent and enjoyable. As in all the arts, a romance with the material must be well under way. If we value the lifelong learning of arts and letters as a springboard for personal and societal growth, should any less effort be spent to make computing a part of our lives?

 

            -- Alan Kay, Computer Software, Scientific American, September 1984

 

If you want to read about love and marriage, you have to buy two separate books.

 

            -- Alan King

 

Like the ski resort full of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.

 

            -- Alan McKay

 

It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical?

 

            -- Alan Perlis

 

You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on the continuing viability of Fortran.

 

            -- Alan Perlis

 

Machines take me by surprise with great frequency.

 

            -- Alan Turing

 

And it came to pass that in the hands of the ignorant, the words of the bible were used to beat plowshares into swords . . .

 

            -- Alan Watts

 

I have realized that the past and future are real illusions, that they exist in the present, which is what there is and all there is.

 

            -- Alan Watts

 

The alternative to mutual trust, which is indeed a risky gamble, is the security of the police state.

 

            -- Alan Watts

 

A bureaucrat is a Democrat who holds some office that a Republican wants.

 

            -- Alben W. Barkley (1877-1956), U.S Vice President (1949-1953)

 

An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself.

 

            -- Albert Camus (1913-1960)

 

By definition, a government has no conscience. Sometimes it has a policy, but nothing more.

 

            -- Albert Camus (1913-1960)

 

Charm is a way of getting the answer yes without asking a clear question.

 

            -- Albert Camus (1913-1960)

 

Everyone would like to behave like a pagan, with everyone else behaving like a Christian.

 

            -- Albert Camus (1913-1960)

 

He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hope for the human condition is a fool.

 

            -- Albert Camus (1913-1960)

 

Integrity has no need of rules.

 

            -- Albert Camus (1913-1960)

 

It is a kind of spiritual snobbery that makes people think they can be happy without money.

 

            -- Albert Camus (1913-1960)

 

  . . .one of the strongest motives that lead men to art and science is escape from everyday life with its painful crudity and hopeless dreariness, from the fetters of one's own ever-shifting desires. A finely tempered nature longs to escape from the personal life into the world of objective perception and thought.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

But I am persuaded that such behavior on the part of the representatives of religion would not only be unworthy but also fatal. For a doctrine which is able to maintain itself not in clear light, but only in the dark, will of necessity lose its effect on mankind, with incalculable harm to human progress. In their struggle for the ethical good, teachers of religion must have the stature to give up the doctrine of a personal God, that is, give up that source of fear and hope which in the past placed such vast powers in the hands of priests. In their labors they will have to avail themselves of those forces which are capable of cultivating the Good, the True, and the Beautiful in humanity itself. This is, to be sure, a more difficult but an incomparably more worthy task.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

God does not care about our mathematical difficulties. He integrates empirically.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

He who joyfully marches to music rank and file, has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would surely suffice. This disgrace to civilization should be done away with at once. Heroism at command, how violently I hate all this, how despicable and ignoble war is; I would rather be torn to shreds than be a part of so base an action. It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

I should have been a plumber.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

I want to know God's thoughts; the rest are details.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

If A equals success, then the formula is: A= X + Y + Z X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it is an enemy.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

Now he has departed from this strange world a little ahead of me. That means nothing. People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

Politics is for the moment. An equation is for eternity.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one's living at it.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

The further the spiritual evolution of mankind advances, the more certain it seems to me that the path to genuine religiosity does not lie through the fear of life, and the fear of death, and blind faith, but through striving after rational knowledge.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

The important thing is never to stop questioning.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of consistency.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is that they serve to represent the complex of our experiences; beyond this they have not legitimacy.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

The right to search for the truth implies also a duty; one must not conceal any part of what one has recognized to be the truth.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

The whole of science is nothing more than a refinement of everyday thinking.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

What is inconceivable about the universe is that it is at all conceivable.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

Yes, we have to divide up our time like that, between our politics and our equations. But to me our equations are far more important, for politics are only a matter of present concern. A mathematical equation stands forever.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

 

Theories should be as simple as possible, but not simpler.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955) (paraphrase)

 

Never do anything against conscience, even if the state demands it.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955) (Quoted in Saturday Review obituary, April 30, 1955)

 

You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955) when asked to describe radio

 

The prestige of government has undoubtedly been lowered considerably by the Prohibition law. For nothing is more destructive of respect for the government and the law of the land than passing laws which cannot be enforced. It is an open secret that the dangerous increase of crime in this country is closely connected with this.

 

            -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955), July 7, 1921

 

People and things do not upset us, rather we upset ourselves by believing that they can upset us.

 

            -- Albert Ellis, founder of Rational Emotive Therapy

 

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

 

            -- Albert Schweitzer

 

Discovery consists in seeing what everyone else has seen and thinking what no one else has thought.

 

            -- Albert Szent-Gyorgi

 

Examine each question in terms of what is ethically and aesthetically right, as well as what is economically expedient. A thing is right when it tends to preserve the integrity, stability, and beauty of the biotic community. It is wrong when it tends otherwise.

 

            -- Aldo Leopold

 

A country which proposes to make use of modern war as an instrument of policy must possess a highly centralized, all-powerful executive, hence the absurdity of talking about the defense of democracy by force of arms. A democracy which makes or effectively prepares for modern scientific war must necessarily cease to be democratic.

 

            -- Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)

 

Chastity: the most unnatural of the sexual perversions.

 

            -- Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)

 

If the Prince of Peace should come to earth, one of the first things he would do would be to put psychiatrists in their place.

 

            -- Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)

 

If you look up 'Intelligence' in the new volumes of the Encyclopeadia Britannica, he said, you'll find it classified under the following three heads: Intelligence, Human; Intelligence, Animal; Intelligence, Military. My stepfather's a perfect specimen of Intelligence, Millitary.

 

            -- Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)

 

Maybe this world is another planet's hell.

 

            -- Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)

 

People are much too solemn about things - I'm all for sticking pins into episcopal behinds.

 

            -- Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)

 

The only completely consistent people are the dead.

 

            -- Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)

 

The totality is present even in the broken pieces.

 

            -- Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)

 

To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.

 

            -- Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)

 

Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad.

 

            -- Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)

 

The charm of history and its enigmatic lesson consist in the fact that, from age to age, nothing changes and yet everything is completely different.

 

            -- Aldous Huxley (1894-1963), The Devils of Loudun

 

We participate in a tragedy; at a comedy we only look.

 

            -- Aldous Huxley (1894-1963), The Devils of Loudun

 

The Universe is the Practical Joke of the General at the Expense of the Particular

 

            -- Aleister Crowley

 

Let's face it . . .most relationships you have in life don't work out.

 

            -- Alex Bennett

 

We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue than malnutrition.

 

            -- Alex Comfort

 

My fondest hope is that Roots may start black, white, brown, red, yellow people digging back for their own roots. Man, that would make me feel 90 feet tall.

 

            -- Alex Haley, Playboy Interview - January 1977

 

My best score ever is 103, but I've only been playing for 15 years.

 

            -- Alex Karras - Detroit Lions defensive lineman on his golf game

 

Mr. Watson, come here, I want you.

 

            -- Alexander Graham Bell

 

The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood.

 

            -- Alexander Haig

 

The road to truth is long, and lined the entire way with annoying bastards

 

            -- Alexander Jablokov, The Place of No Shadows

 

The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but hold hands.

 

            -- Alexander Penney

 

A family is but too often a commonwealth of malignants.

 

            -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)

 

Amusement is the happiness of those who cannot think.

 

            -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)

 

To be occasionally quoted is the only fame I care for.

 

            -- Alexander Smith

 

Gradually it was disclosed to me that the line separating good and evil passes not through states, nor between classes, nor between political parties--bit right through every human heart--and all human hearts.

 

            -- Alexander Solzhenitsyn, The Gulag Archipelago

 

The scenery in the play was beautiful, but the actors got in front of it.

 

            -- Alexander Woollcott

 

I prefer rogues to imbeciles, because they sometimes take a rest.

 

            -- Alexandre Dumas, fils

 

If God were suddenly condemned to live the life which He has inflicted upon men, He would kill Himself.

 

            -- Alexandre Dumas, fils

 

The only good cat is a stir fried cat.

 

            -- ALF

 

Wherever I have gone in this country, I have found Americans.

 

            -- Alf Landon, during his speech in his presidential campaign against FDR

 

It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them.

 

            -- Alfred Adler

 

Conversation is the enemy of good wine and food.

 

            -- Alfred Hitchcock (1899-1980)

 

Disney, of course, has the best casting. If he doesn't like an actor, he just tears him up.

 

            -- Alfred Hitchcock (1899-1980)

 

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat. Cut it.

 

            -- Alfred Hitchcock (1899-1980)

 

Television has done much for psychiatry by spreading information about it, as well as contributing to the need for it.

 

            -- Alfred Hitchcock (1899-1980)

 

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

 

            -- Alfred Hitchcock (1899-1980)

 

God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.

 

            -- Alfred Jarry

 

You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.

 

            -- Alfred Kahn

 

The only unnatural sexual act is that which you cannot perform.

 

            -- Alfred Kinsey

 

There are two was to slide easily through life; to believe everything or to doubt everything. Both ways save us from thinking.

 

            -- Alfred Korzybski

 

I will not go so far as to say that to construct a history of thought without profound study of the mathematical ideas of successive epochs is like omitting Hamlet from the play which is named after him. . . But it is certainly analogous to cutting out the part of Ophelia. This simile is singularly exact. For Ophelia is quite essential to the play, she is very charming-- and a little mad.

 

            -- Alfred North Whitehead (1861-1947)

 

Nature gets credit which should in truth be reserved for ourselves: the rose for its scent, the nightingale for its song; and the sun for its radiance. The poets are entirely mistaken. They should address their lyrics to themselves and should turn them into odes of self congratulation on the excellence of the human mind.

 

            -- Alfred North Whitehead (1861-1947)

 

There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements. We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward striving of the human race

 

            -- Alfred North Whitehead (1861-1947)

 

Through and through the world is infested with quantity. To talk sense is to talk quantities, It is no use saying the nation is large- how large? It is no use s aying that radium is scarce- how scarce? You can not evade quantity. You may fly to poetry and music and quantity and number will face you in your rhythms and your octaves.

 

            -- Alfred North Whitehead (1861-1947)

 

The vigor of civilized societies is preserved by the widespread sense that high aims are worth-while. Vigorous societies harbor a certain extravagance of objectives, so that men wander beyond the safe provision of personal gratifications. All strong interests easily become impersonal, the love of a good job well done. There is a sense of harmony about such an accomplishment, the Peace brought by something worth-while.

 

            -- Alfred North Whitehead (1861-1947), 1963, in The History of Manned Space Flight

 

The arts equally have distinct departments, and unless photography has its own possibilities of expression, separate from those of the other arts, it is merely a process, not an art.

 

            -- Alfred Stieglitz, circa 1895, about the Romantic-Impressionist school of photography

 

Who call him spurious and shoddy Shall do it o'er my lifeless body. I heartily invite such birds To come outside and say those words!

 

            -- Alfred, Lord Tennyson

 

For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three.

 

            -- Alice Kahn

 

Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.

 

            -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth (1884-1980)

 

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches.

 

            -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth (1884-1980)

 

If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.

 

            -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth (1884-1980)

 

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

 

            -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth (1884-1980)

 

Harding was not a bad man, he was just a slob.

 

            -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth (1884-1980) Teddy Roosevelt's daughter, from Mrs. L. Conversations with Alice Roosevelt Longworth

 

A professional is a person who can do his best at a time when he doesn't particularly feel like it.

 

            -- Alistair Cooke

 

America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?

 

            -- Allen Ginsberg

 

Any pitcher who throws at a batter and deliberately tries to hit him is a communist.

 

            -- Alvin Dark, former baseball coach

 

 . . .but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

 

 . . .It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

 

A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

 

A penny saved is a penny to squander.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

 

A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

 

Absolute: Independent, irresponsible. An absolute monarchy is one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases the assassins. Not many absolute monarchies are left, most of them having been replaced by limited monarchies, where the soverign's power for evil (and for good) is greatly curtailed, and by republics, which are governed by chance.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

 

Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

 

Administration: An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed to receive the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

 

Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

 

Better late than before anybody has invited you.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

 

But as records of courts of justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

 

Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum. (I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.)

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

 

Disobedience: The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

 

In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

 

Mausoleum: The final and funniest folly of the rich.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

 

Meekness: Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

 

Noncombatant: A dead Quaker.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

 

Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man -- who has no gills.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

 

One evening Mr. Rudolph Block, of New York, found himself seated at dinner alongside Mr. Percival Pollard, the distinguished critic. Mr. Pollard, said he, my book, _The Biography of a Dead Cow_, is published anonymously, but you can hardly be ignorant of its authorship. Yet in reviewing it you speak of it as the work of the Idiot of the Century. Do you think that fair criticism? I am very sorry, sir, replied the critic, amiably, but it did not occur to me that you really might not wish the public to know who wrote it.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

 

Acquaintance, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Before undergoing a surgical operation, arrange your temporal affairs. You may live.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Calamites are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Childhood, n. The period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth - two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Christian, n. One who follows the teachings of Christ insofar as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Clergyman, n. - A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual affairs as a method of bettering his temporal ones.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Conservative. noun. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from a liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Critic, n. A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Diplomacy: The patriotic art of lying for one's country.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Every time Europe looks across the Atlantic to see the American eagle, it observes only the rear end of an ostrich.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of youth for those of age.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Experience, n. The wisdom that enables us to recognize as an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Faith, noun. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Fork, n. An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Happiness, noun. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

History, n. An account mostly false, of events unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

I think I think, therefore, I think I am.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Impiety, noun. Your irreverence toward my deity.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Lawsuit n. A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Lawyer, n. One skilled in the circumvention of the law.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Love, n - A temporary insanity curable by marriage.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Marriage, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Opera, n. A play representing life in another world whose inhabitants have no speech but song, no motions but gestures, and no postures but attitudes.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Optimism, n. The doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Optimist, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Philosophy, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Phonograph, n. An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Physician: One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Pig: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Pleasure, n. The least hateful form of dejection.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Politician: An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of organized society is reared. When he wriggles he mistakes the agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Pray: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Presidency: The greased pig in the field game of American politics.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Proboscis: The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him in place of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him. For purposes of humor it is popularly called a trunk.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Reporter: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Reverence: the spiritual attitude of a man to a god and a dog to a man.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Revolution, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Saint, noun. A dead sinner revised and edited.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Self-denial is indulgence of a propensity to forego.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Success is the one unpardonable sin against one's fellows.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

The covers of this book are too far apart.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

The ocean is a body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy . . .

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

There is nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things we don't know yet.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Year, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

 

Cartesian, adj. Relating to Descartes, a famous philosopher, author of the celebrated dictum, _Cogito ergo sum_. . . The dictum might be improved, however, thus: _Cogito cogito _ _ergo cogito sum_-- I think that I think, therefore I think that I am; as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) - The Enlarged Devil's Dictionary

 

Australia, n. A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) The Devil's Dictionary

 

Cabbage, n.: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) The Devil's Dictionary

 

Dentist, n.:  A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls coins out of one's pockets.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) The Devil's Dictionary

 

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) The Devil's Dictionary

 

Interpreter: One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) The Devil's Dictionary

 

Mad, adj: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) The Devil's Dictionary

 

Politics: The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) The Devil's Dictionary

 

Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.

 

            -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) The Devil's Dictionary

 

Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace.

 

            -- Amelia Earhart

 

Psychographic marketing techniques helped Raid roach spray marketers discover that the reason low-income Southern women were the heaviest users of roach spray was that a lot of their feelings about the roach were very similar to the feelings that they had about the men in their lives, said the advertising executive on the account. They said the roach, like the man in their life, only comes around when he wants food. The act of spraying roaches and seeing them die was satisfying to this frustrated, powerless group.

 

            -- American Demographics, Nov. 1991

 

Reading legal mush can turn your brain to guacamole!

 

            -- Amiga ROM Kernel Manual

 

A student asked the master for help . . . does this program run from the Workbench? The master grabbed the mouse and pointed to an icon. What is this? he asked. The student replied That's the mouse. The master pressed control-Amiga-Amiga and hit the student on the head with the Amiga ROM Kernel Manual.

 

            -- Amiga Zen Master Peter da Silva

 

I've been trey-dueced.

 

            -- An Algonquinite with a hand of threes and twos

 

I shall fold my tens and silently slip away.

 

            -- An Algonquinite with a losing card hand

 

I can see the time when every city will have one.

 

            -- An American mayor's reaction to the news of the invention of the telephone

 

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

 

            -- an analysis of neo-Nazis and such, Badger comics

 

Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper  . . .. everyone was eating paper and a policeman was at the door. Now all you have to do is bend a disk.

 

            -- an anonymous member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity, commenting on the benefits of using computers in support of their movement

 

You know why there are so few sophisticated computer terrorists in the United States? Because your hackers have so much mobility into the establishment. Here, there is no such mobility. If you have the slightest bit of intellectual integrity you cannot support the government . . .. That's why the best computer minds belong to the opposition.

 

            -- an anonymous member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity

 

Isn't it a blessing of God it didn't hit him in the eye?

 

            -- an elderly woman, when she and two others found a dead robber on the road, shot through the right temple

 

Heute Die Welt Morgens das Sonnensystem!

 

            -- An Erisian Hymn by Rev. Dr. Mungojerry Grindlebone, KOB Episkopos, THE RAYVILLE APPLE PANTHERS

 

There is no singular historic distinction to this particular rest area site, other than it is part of the stage for greater happenings. A witness to the tides of history.

 

            -- an excerpt from an actual rest area site in South Dakota:

 

Remember, IBM has always prided itself on its marketing prowess, and market segmentation was an essential part of that. The last thing IBM wanted to do was compete with itself. But it looks like that kind of thinking isn't going to work anymore.

 

            -- An unnamed IBM official, InfoWorld, February 26, 1990, page 1, about the unhappiness of the AS/400 group that the System/6000 had an aggressive price/performance ratio, and a larger number

 

Each friend represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.

 

            -- Anais Nin

 

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

 

            -- Anais Nin

 

One cannot play chess if one becomes aware of the pieces as living souls and of the fact that the Whites and the Blacks have more in common with each other than with the players. Suddenly one loses all interest in who will be champion.

 

            -- Anatol Rapoport

 

A person is never happy except at the price of some ignorance.

 

            -- Anatole France (1844-1924)

 

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another!

 

            -- Anatole France (1844-1924)

 

It is human nature to think wisely and act foolishly.

 

            -- Anatole France (1844-1924)

 

It's not by amusing oneself that one learns.

 

            -- Anatole France (1844-1924)

 

Nothing spoils a confession like repentance.

 

            -- Anatole France (1844-1924)

 

People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way to take advantage of them

 

            -- Anatole France (1844-1924)

 

The average man does not know what to do with his life, yet wants another one which will last forever.

 

            -- Anatole France (1844-1924)

 

The average man, who does not know what to do with his life, wants another one which will last forever.

 

            -- Anatole France (1844-1924)

 

The impotence of God is infinite.

 

            -- Anatole France (1844-1924)

 

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

 

            -- Anatole France (1844-1924)

 

To die for an idea is to set a rather high price on conjecture.

 

            -- Anatole France (1844-1924)

 

Art is a collaboration between God and the artist, and the less the artist does the better.

 

            -- Andre Gide (1876-1951)

 

If a young writer can refrain from writing, he shouldn't hesitate to do so.

 

            -- Andre Gide (1876-1951)

 

It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.

 

            -- Andre Gide (1876-1951)

 

Know thyself? A maxim as pernicious as it is ugly. Whoever observes himself arrests his own development. A caterpillar who wanted to know itself well would never become a butterfly.

 

            -- Andre Gide (1876-1951)

 

No theory is good except on condition that one uses it to go beyond.

 

            -- Andre Gide (1876-1951)

 

Seize from every moment its unique novelty, and do not prepare your joys.

 

            -- Andre Gide (1876-1951)

 

The greatest mystery is not that we have been flung at random between the profusion of matter and of the stars, but that within this prison we can draw from ourselves images powerful enough to deny our nothingness.

 

            -- Andre Malraux

 

What is a man? A miserable little pile of secrets.

 

            -- Andre Malraux

 

Never give a statist an even break. The State has never given us one.

 

            -- Andre Marrou

 

We owe to the Middle Ages the two worst inventions of humanity - gunpowder and romantic love.

 

            -- Andre Maurois

 

Now, more than ever, it is evident that `good taste' only refers to that which reinforces the status quo.

 

            -- Andre Peret

 

The basic difference between classical music and jazz is that in the former the music is always greater than its performance - whereas the way jazz is performed is always more important than what is being played.

 

            -- Andre Previn

 

If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.

 

            -- Andrew A. Rooney

 

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

 

            -- Andrew A. Rooney

 

Internet is so big, so powerful and pointless that for some people it is a complete substitute for life.

 

            -- Andrew Brown

 

One of the serious obstacles to the improvement of our race is indiscriminate charity.

 

            -- Andrew Carnegie

 

I simply try to aid in letting the light of historical truth into that decaying mass of outworn thought which attaches the modern world to medieval conceptions of Christianity, and which still lingers among us -- a most serious barrier to religion and morals, and a menace to the whole normal evolution of society.

 

            -- Andrew D. White, author, first president of Cornell University, 1896

 

The price of liberty is, always has been, and always will be blood: the person who is not willing to die for his liberty has already lost it to the first scoundrel who is willing to risk dying to violate that person's liberty. Are you free?

 

            -- Andrew Ford

 

Even if we put all these nagging thoughts [four embarrassing questions about astrology] aside for a moment, one overriding question remains to be asked. Why would the positions of celestial objects at the moment of birth have an effect on our characters, lives, or destinies? What force or influence, what sort of energy would travel from the planets and stars to all human beings and affect our development or fate? No amount of scientific-sounding jargon or computerized calculations by astrologers can disguise this central problem with astrology -- we can find no evidence of a mechanism by which celestial objects can influence us in so specific and personal a way. . . . Some astrologers argue that there may be a still unknown force that represents the astrological influence. . . .If so, astrological predictions -- like those of any scientific field -- should be easily tested. . . . Astrologers always claim to be just a little too busy to carry out such careful tests of their efficacy, so in the last two decades scientists and statisticians have generously done such testing for them. There have been dozens of well-designed tests all around the world, and astrology has failed every one of them. . . . I propose that we let those beckoning lights in the sky awaken our interest in the real (and fascinating) universe beyond our planet, and not let them keep us tied to an ancient fantasy left over from a time when we huddled by the firelight, afraid of the night.

 

            -- Andrew Fraknoi, Executive Officer, Astronomical Society of the Pacific, Why Astrology Believers Should Feel Embarrassed, San Jose Mercury News, May 8, 1988

 

It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.

 

            -- Andrew Jackson

 

War is a blessing compared with national degradation.

 

            -- Andrew Jackson

 

He used statistics the way a drunkard uses lampposts - for support, not illumination.

 

            -- Andrew Lang

 

It is bad luck to be superstitious.

 

            -- Andrew W. Mathis

 

Nothing is illegal if a hundred businessmen decide to do it.

 

            -- Andrew Young

 

The Soviet Union is going to have a human-rights explosion. You'll have hundreds of thousands of dissidents.

 

            -- Andrew Young, Playboy Interview - July 1977

 

And then the Lion ate up Androcles, put the thorn back in his paw, and lay down by the side of the road to wait for another sucker.

 

            -- Androcles and the Lion (lost version)

 

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.

 

            -- Andy Finkel, computer guy

 

Reliable software must kill people reliably.

 

            -- Andy Mickel

 

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

 

            -- Andy Rooney

 

Everybody winds up kissing the wrong person good night.

 

            -- Andy Warhol

 

I am a deeply superficial person.

 

            -- Andy Warhol

 

Sex is the biggest nothing of all time.

 

            -- Andy Warhol

 

Two people kissing always look like fish.

 

            -- Andy Warhol

 

Virtue is its own punishment.

 

            -- Aneurin Bevan

 

We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over.

 

            -- Aneurin Bevan

 

It was the wrong answer. He should have given the Marilyn Quayle answer.

 

            -- Angela Buchanan, sister of Pat Buchanan, on Bush's remark that he would stand by a grand-daughter's decision about abortion.

 

At the moment of climax, there is a oneness with you and your husband and God. When you come together, it's like when the church is brought up to meet Christ in the air.

 

            -- Anita Bryant, Playboy Interview - May 1978

 

Ah yes, we must mollify angry fanatics who seek our destruction because otherwise . . . they might get mad and seek our destruction.

 

            -- Ann Coulter, 9/26/2002

 

The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.

 

            -- Ann Landers

 

We want to create puppets that pull their own strings.

 

            -- Ann Marion

 

Creative minds always have been known to survive any kind of bad training.

 

            -- Anna Freud

 

Crystals grew inside rock like arithmetic flowers. They lengthened and spread, added plane to plane in an awed and perfect obedience to an absolute geometry that even stones -- maybe only the stones -- understood.

 

            -- Annie Dillard _An American Childhood_

 

There is a certain age at which a child looks at you in all earnestness and delivers a long, pleased speech in all the true inflections of spoken English, but with not one recognizable syllable. There is no way you can tell the child that if language had been a melody, he had mastered it and done well, but that since it was in fact a sense, he had botched it utterly.

 

            -- Annie Dillard, _Pilgrim at Tinker Creek_

 

Anyone who isn`t confused here, doesn`t really understand what’s going on.

 

            -- Anonymous Belfast citizen in 1970.

 

Once I was a tadpole, in the beginning of the begin; Then I was a toadfrog with my tail tucked in. Then I was a monkey in a banyan tree; Now I'm a professor with a Ph.D.

 

            -- Anonymous creationist's view of evolution

 

I can give you a sentence with the word punctilious. There's a farmer with two daughters, Lizzie and Tillie. Lizzie is all right, but you have no idea how punctilious.

 

            -- Another member of the Algonquin Round Table

 

9W

 

            -- Answer to the question: Do you spell your name with a V, Mr. Vagner? Steve Allen, from the Question Man segment on the Steve Allen Show

 

God is good when He gives us a grilled steak.

 

            -- Anthony Burgess, Playboy Interview – 1974

 

Death comes along like a gas bill one can't pay.

 

            -- Anthony Burgess, Playboy Interview - September 1974

 

One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as many  . . .

 

            -- Anthony Chevins

 

Draft politicians, not human beings.

 

            -- antidraft slogan coined by Jeff Daiell, 1979

 

Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward in the same direction.

 

            -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery

 

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

 

            -- Antoine de St. Exupery

 

Pure logic is the ruin of the spirit.

 

            -- Antoine de St. Exupery

 

Doctors are the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

 

            -- Anton Chekhov (1860-1904)

 

I don't understand anything about the ballet; all I know is that during the intervals the ballerinas stink like horses.

 

            -- Anton Chekhov (1860-1904)

 

People are far more sincere and good-humored at speeding their parting guests than on meeting them.

 

            -- Anton Chekhov (1860-1904)

 

'Truth' never set anyone free. It is only *doubt* which will bring mental emancipation.

 

            -- Anton LaVey

 

To be or not to be is true.

 

            -- apocrypha of George Boole

 

HP had a unique policy of allowing its engineers to take parts from stock as long as they built something. They figured that with every design, they were getting a better engineer. It's a policy I urge all companies to adopt.

 

            -- Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak, Will Wozniak's class give Apple to teacher? EE Times, June 6, 1988, pg 45

 

Do not expose your LaserWriter to fire or intense heat

 

            -- Apple LaserWriter manual

 

We regret we are unable to give you the weather. We rely on weather reports from the airport, which is closed because of the weather. Whether we are able to give you the weather tomorrow depends on the weather.

 

            -- Arab News

 

Liars when they speak the truth are not believed.

 

            -- Aristotle (384 BC - 322 BC), from Diogenes Laertius, Lives of Eminent Philosophers

 

Anyone can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not easy.

 

            -- Aristotle (384-322 BC)

 

Education is the best provision for old age.

 

            -- Aristotle (384-322 BC)

 

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.

 

            -- Aristotle (384-322 BC)

 

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

 

            -- Aristotle (384-322 BC)

 

Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.

 

            -- Aristotle (384-322 BC)

 

The gods too are fond of a joke.

 

            -- Aristotle (384-322 BC)

 

The least deviation from truth will be multiplied later.

 

            -- Aristotle (384-322 BC)

 

Wit is educated insolence.

 

            -- Aristotle (384-322 BC)

 

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

 

            -- Aristotle Onassis (1906-1975)

 

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

 

            -- Aristotle Onassis (1906-1975)

 

Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, Must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking?

 

            -- Arlo Guthrie

 

It is well, when judging a friend, to remember that he is judging you with the same godlike and superior imapartiality.

 

            -- Arnold Bennett

 

Curiosity is the very basis of education and if you tell me that curiosity killed the cat, I say only the cat died nobly.

 

            -- Arnold Edinborough

 

Live so that your friends can defend you but never have to.

 

            -- Arnold H. Glasgow

 

After one week [visiting Austria] I couldn't wait to go back to the United States. Everything was much more pleasant in the United States, because of the mentality of being open-minded, always positive. Everything you want to do in Europe is just, 'No way. No one has ever done it.' They haven't any more the desire to go out to conquer and achieve -- I realized that I had much more the American spirit.

 

            -- Arnold Schwarzenegger

 

I know that if you leave dishes in the sink, they get stick and hard to wash the next day.

 

            -- Arnold Schwarzenegger, Playboy Interview - January 1988

 

America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its tail it knocks over a chair.

 

            -- Arnold Toynbee (1889-1975)

 

Excuse me, George Herbert irregular-heart-beating, read-by-line-lipping, slipping-in-the-polls, do-nothing, deficit-raising, make-less-money-than- Millie-the-White-House-dog-last-year, Quayle-loving, sushi-puking Bush! I don't remember inviting your ass on my show.

 

            -- Arsenio Hall in response to Bush's comment that he would appear on any talk show except Arsenio Reprinted from the Seattle Times, Tuesday, August 4, 1992, page B-1

 

It's nice to see a Democrat blow something besides an election.

 

            -- Arsenio Hall, after Clinton's saxophone debut on his show

 

I worship the quicksand he walks in.

 

            -- Art Buchwald

 

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

 

            -- Arthur Hoppe

 

One of the problems I've always had with propaganda pamphlets is that they're real boring to look at. They're just badly designed. People from the left often are very well-intended, but they never had time to take basic design classes, you know?

 

            -- Art Spiegelman

 

Well, social relevance is a schtick, like mysteries, social relevance, science fiction . . .

 

            -- Art Spiegelman

 

I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother.

 

            -- Artemus Ward (1834-1867)

 

Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.

 

            -- Arthur Baer (1896-1975)

 

Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.

 

            -- Arthur Balfour (1848-1930)

 

Any smoothly functioning technology will have the appearance of magic.

 

            -- Arthur C. Clarke

 

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

 

            -- Arthur C. Clarke

 

It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God but to create him.

 

            -- Arthur C. Clarke

 

Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.

 

            -- Arthur C. Clarke

 

There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.

 

            -- Arthur C. Clarke

 

When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.

 

            -- Arthur C. Clarke

 

Clarke's Second Law: The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible.

 

            -- Arthur C. Clarke, Technology and the Future

 

Working in the theater has a lot in common with unemployment.

 

            -- Arthur Gingold

 

I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half the money.

 

            -- Arthur Godfrey

 

Obviously, a man's judgement cannot be better than the information on which he has based it. Give him the truth and he may still go wrong when he has the chance to be right, but give him no news or present him only with distorted and incomplete data, with ignorant, sloppy or biased reporting, with propaganda and deliberate falsehoods, and you destroy his whole reasoning processes, and make him something less than a man.

 

            -- Arthur Hays Sulzberger

 

The public doesn't want new music; the main thing it demands of a composer is that he be dead.

 

            -- Arthur Honegger

 

We all worry about the population explosion -- but we don't worry about it at the right time.

 

            -- Arthur Hoppe

 

God seems to have left the receiver off the hook and time is running out.

 

            -- Arthur Koestler

 

Einstein's space is no closer to reality than Van Gogh's sky. The glory of science is not in a truth more absolute than the truth of Bach or Tolstoy, but in the act of creation itself. The scientist's discoveries impose his own order on chaos, as the composer or painter imposes his; an order that always refers to limited aspects of reality, and is based on the observer's frame of reference, which differs from period to period as a Rembrant nude differs from a nude by Manet.

 

            -- Arthur Koestler, The Act of Creation, London, 1970, p. 253

 

‘God gives burdens; also shoulders.’  Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why would he lie about a thing like that?

 

            -- Arthur Naiman

 

A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The first thing he notices is that the arms are too long. No problem, says the tailor. Just bend them at the elbow and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine. But the collar is up around my ears! It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little . . .no, a little more . . .that's it. But I'm stepping on my cuffs! the man cries in desperation. Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly. So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the street. Reba and Florence see him go by. Oh, look, says Reba, that poor man! Yes, says Florence, but what a beautiful suit.

 

            -- Arthur Naiman

 

An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an hour seems like a minute. The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a moment and says, And from this he makes a living?

 

            -- Arthur Naiman

 

Chicken Soup: An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.

 

            -- Arthur Naiman

 

Gay shlafen: Yiddish for go to sleep.  Now doesn't gay shlafen have a softer, more soothing sound than the harsh, staccato go to sleep? Listen to the difference: Go to sleep, you little wretch!  . . . Gay shlafen, darling. Obvious, isn't it? Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed individuals and then grow . . .. Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I think not, my friend, I think not.

 

            -- Arthur Naiman

 

Goy:  . . . The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates:  I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous. Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish. Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish. Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish. Macaroons are very Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is goyish. Lime soda is very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that Jews won't go near them . . .

 

            -- Arthur Naiman

 

Half-done: This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the the difference between life and death. You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the man, Let me have a nice half-done. Worth the trouble, wasn't it?

 

            -- Arthur Naiman

 

Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to prison. They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced to death. The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have any lasts requests. Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to Murray. This is crazy! Murray shouts. We're not spies! And he spits in the sergeants face. Murray! Esther cries. Please! Don't make trouble.

 

            -- Arthur Naiman

 

One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: Why did God create goyim? The generally accepted answer is somebody has to buy retail.

 

            -- Arthur Naiman

 

There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is this? Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think you can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster -- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance.

 

            -- Arthur Naiman

 

Morality is the weakness of the mind.

 

            -- Arthur Rimbaud

 

It is [the] belief in absolutes, I would hazard, that is the great enemy today of the life of the mind. This may seem a rash proposition. The fashion of the time is to denounce relativism as the root of all evil. But history suggests that the damage done to humanity by the relativist is far less than the damage done by the absolutist - by the fellow who, as Mr. Dooley once put it, does what he thinks th' Lord wud do if He only knew th' facts in th' case.

 

            -- Arthur Schlesinger, Jr.

 

No national political party is going to nominate another right-wing candidate for a long time.

 

            -- Arthur Schlesinger, Jr., Playboy Interview - May 1966

 

All truth passes through three stages. First it is ridiculed. Second it is violently opposed. Third it is accepted as being self-evident.

 

            -- Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860)

 

If we weren't all so interested in ourselves, life would be so uninteresting we couldn't endure it.

 

            -- Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860)

 

The amount of noise which anyone can bear undisturbed stands in inverse proportion to his mental capacity.

 

            -- Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860)

 

The closing years of life are like the end of a masquerade party when the masks are dropped.

 

            -- Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860)

 

A financier is a pawnbroker with imagination.

 

            -- Arthur Wing Pinero

 

I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. I haven't had time for tobacco since.

 

            -- Arturo Toscanini

 

Assassins!

 

            -- Arturo Toscanini (1867-1957) to his orchestra

 

GIVE CHEERS To Asahi Draft Beer And Your Life Be Marvelous

 

            -- Asahi Beer Cans

 

Been through Hell? Whaddya bring back for me?

 

            -- Ashleigh Brilliant

 

By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely overwhelm me.

 

            -- Ashleigh Brilliant

 

I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.

 

            -- Ashleigh Brilliant

 

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

 

            -- Ashleigh Brilliant

 

I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.

 

            -- Ashleigh Brilliant

 

I waited and waited, and when no message came, I knew it must have been from you.

 

            -- Ashleigh Brilliant

 

If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.

 

            -- Ashleigh Brilliant

 

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

 

            -- Ashleigh Brilliant

 

Please don't ask me what the score is, I’m not even sure what the game is.

 

            -- Ashleigh Brilliant

 

Please don't lie to me, unless you're absolutely sure I'll never find out the truth.

 

            -- Ashleigh Brilliant

 

The time for action is past! Now is the time for senseless bickering!

 

            -- Ashleigh Brilliant

 

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.

 

            -- Ashleigh Brilliant

 

Try to be the best of what you are, even if what you are is no good.

 

            -- Ashleigh Brilliant

 

Science has proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof

 

            -- Ashley Montague

 

The Good Book - one of the most remarkable euphemisms ever coined.

 

            -- Ashley Montague

 

[Astrology is] 100 percent hokum, Ted. As a matter of fact, the first edition of the Encyclopaedia Britannica, written in 1771 -- 1771!  -- said that this belief system is a subject long ago ridiculed and reviled. We're dealing with beliefs that go back to the ancient Babylonians. There's nothing there . . .. It sounds a lot like science, it sounds like astronomy. It's got technical terms. It's got jargon. It confuses the public . . ..The astrologer is quite glib, confuses the public, uses terms which come from science, come from metaphysics, come from a host of fields, but they really mean nothing. The fact is that astrological beliefs go back at least 2,500 years. Now that should be a sufficiently long time for astrologers to prove their case. They have not proved their case . . ..It's just simply gibberish. The fact is, there's no theory for it, there are no observational data for it. It's been tested and tested over the centuries. Nobody's ever found any validity to it at all. It is not even close to a science. A science has to be repeatable, it has to have a logical foundation, and it has to be potentially vulnerable -- you test it. And in that astrology is really quite something else.

 

            -- Astronomer Richard Berendzen, President, American University, on ABC News Nightline, May 3, 1988

 

UNIX should be used as an adjective.

 

            -- AT&T

 

Business is a good game - lots of competition and a minimum of rules. You keep score with money.

 

            -- Atari founder Nolan Bushnell

 

When I die, I want to be buried in Chicago so I can still be active in politics.

 

            -- atributed to Rep. Charlie Rangel of NY).

 

We're here to give you a computer, not a religion.

 

            -- attributed to Bob Pariseau, at the introduction of the Amiga

 

Oh beautiful, for smoggy skies, o'er insectide waves of grain, and strip-mined mountain's majesty, above the asphalt plains! America, America, man sheds his waste on thee! And hides the pines, with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea!

 

            -- Attributed to George Carlin

 

Science is not a sacred cow. Science is a horse. Don't worship it. Feed it.

 

            -- Attributed to Sigmund Freud (1871-1922)

 

I'm a mean green mother from outer space

 

            -- Audrey II, The Little Shop of Horrors

 

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.

 

            -- August Strindberg

 

Any ordinary man can . . .surround himself with two thousand books . . .and thenceforward have at least one place in the world in which it is possible to be happy.

 

            -- Augustine Birrell (1850-1933)

 

I end with a word on the new symbols which I have employed. Most writers on logic strongly object to all symbols. . . I should advise the reader not to make up his mind on this point until he has well weighed two facts which nobody disputes, both separately and in connexion. First, logic is the only science which has made no progress since the revival of letters; secondly, logic is the only science which has produced no growth of symbols.

 

            -- Augustus De Morgan

 

Imagine a person with a gift of ridicule [He might say] First that a negative quantity has no logarithm; secondly that a negative quantity has no square root; thirdly that the first non-existent is to the second as the circumference of a circle is to the diameter.

 

            -- Augustus de Morgan

 

How could they tell?

 

            -- Author Dorothy Parker when told of President Calvin Coolidge's death

 

Ask not what you can do for your country, but what your country's been doing to you.

 

            -- Avengers

 

I am interested in politics so that someday I will not have to be interested in politics.

 

            -- Ayn Rand

 

If all philosophers were required to present their ideas in novels, to dramatize the exact meaning and consequences of their philosophies in human life, there would be far fewer philosophers -- and far better ones.

 

 . . .and a lot more really bad novels!

 

            -- Ayn Rand

 

 

 

Jeremy York, jeremy@milton.acs.washington.edu

 

In any compromise between food and poison, it is only death that can win. In any compromise between good and evil, it is only evil that can profit.

 

            -- Ayn Rand

 

The right to vote is a *consequence*, not a primary cause, of a free social system -- and its value depends on the constitutional structure implementing and strictly delimiting the voters' power; unlimited majority rule is an instance of the principle of tyranny.

 

            -- Ayn Rand

 

There is a level of cowardice lower than that of the conformist: the fashionable non-conformist.

 

            -- Ayn Rand

 

We never make assertions, Miss Taggart, said Hugh Akston. That is the moral crime peculiar to our enemies. We do not tell -- we *show*. We do not claim -- we *prove*.

 

            -- Ayn Rand, _Atlas Shrugged_

 

Productiveness is your acceptance of morality, your recognition of the fact that you choose to live - that productive work is the process by which man's consciousness controls his existence, a constant process of acquiring knowledge and shaping matter to fit one's purpose, of translating an idea into physical form, of remaking the earth in the image of one's values - that all work is creative work if done by a thinking mind, and no work is creative if done by a blank who repeats in uncritical stupor a routine he has learned from others - that your work is yours to choose, and the choice is as wide as your mind, that nothing more is possible to you and nothing less is human - that to cheat your way into a job bigger than your mind can handle is to become a fear-corroded ape on borrowed motions and borrowed time, and to settle down into a job that requires less than your mind's full capacity is to cut your motor and sentence yourself to another kind of motion: decay - that your work is the process of achieving your values, and to lose your ambition for values is to lose your ambition to live - that your body is a machine, but your mind is its driver, and you must drive as far as your mind will take you, with achievement as the goal of your road - that the man who has no purpose is a machine that coasts downhill at the mercy of any boulder to crash in the first chance ditch, that the man who stifles his mind is a stalled machine slowly going to rust, that the man who lets a leader prescribe his course is a wreck being towed to the scrap heap, and the man who makes another man his goal is a hitchhiker no driver should ever pick up - that your work is the purpose of your life, and you must speed past any killer who assumes the right to stop you, that any value you might find outside your work, any other loyalty or love, can be only travelers you choose to share your journey and must be travelers going on their own power in the same direction.

 

            -- Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged, from Galt’s speech

 

The government has no source of revenue, except the taxes paid by the producers. To free itself -- for a while -- from the limits set by reality, the government initiates a credit con game on a scale which the private manipulator could not dream of. It borrows money from you today, which is to be repaid with money it will borrow from you tomorrow, which is to be repaid with money it will borrow from you day after tomorrow, and so on. This is known as ‘deficit financing.’ It is made possible by the fact that the government cuts the connection between goods and money. It issues paper money, which is used as a claim check on actually existing goods -- but that money is not backed by any goods, it is not backed by gold, it is backed by nothing. It is a promissory note issued to you in exchange for your goods, to be paid by you (in the form of taxes) out of your future production.

 

            -- Ayn Rand, Philosophy: Who Needs It, Egalitarianism and Inflation

 

The government has no source of revenue, except the taxes paid by the producers. To free itself - for a while - from the limits set by reality, the government initiates a credit con game on a scale which the private manipulator could not dream of. It borrows money from you today, which is to be repaid with money it will borrow from you tomorrow, which is to be repaid with money it will borrow from you day after tomorrow, and so on. This is known as deficit financing. It is made possible by the fact that the government cuts the connection between goods and money. It issues paper money, which is used as a claim check on actually existing goods - but that money is not backed by any goods, it is not backed by gold, it is backed by nothing. It is a promissory note issued to you in exchange for your goods, to be paid by you (in the form of taxes) out of your future production.

 

            -- Ayn Rand, Philosophy: Who Needs It, Egalitarianism and Inflation

 

The real problem is not whether machines think but whether men do.

 

            -- B. F. Skinner

 

If we can't fix it -- we'll fix it so nobody can.

 

            -- B. Gibbons

 

It is important to note that probably no large operating system using current design technology can withstand a determined and well-coordinated attack, and that most such documented penetrations have been remarkably easy.

 

            -- B. Hebbard, A Penetration Analysis of the Michigan Terminal System, Operating Systems Review, Vol. 14, No. 1, June 1980, pp. 7-20

 

I am thankful for one leg.

To limp is no disgrace

I may not be number one,

but I can still run the race.

 

            -- B.C.

 

If an eel lunges out,

And it bites off your snout,

That's a Moray . . .

 

            -- B.C.

 

On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament], 'Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.

 

            -- Charles Babbage

 

The President of these overly-united States was shaking hands with the NY Yankees one day -- apparently during summer. When he got to Babe Ruth, the Bambino opened with, Hot as Hell, ain't it, Prez?

 

            -- Babe Ruth

 

When told he was making more per year than the President, Babe Ruth replied, Well, I had a better year than he did.

 

            -- Babe Ruth

 

For I lean on no dead kin, my name is mine for fame or scorn.

And the world began when I was born and the world is mine to win.

 

            -- Charles Badger Clark

 

Yes, and I feel bad about rendering their useless carci into dogfood . . .

 

            -- Badger comics

 

While you are away, movie stars are taking your women. Robert Redford is dating your girlfriend, Tom Selleck is kissing your lady, Bart Simpson is making love to your wife.

 

            -- Baghdad Betty, Iraqi radio announcer, to gulf war troops

 

I can't see the point in the theatre. All that sex and violence. I get enough of that at home. Apart from the sex, of course.

 

            -- Baldrick - Sense and Senility

 

With molasses you catch flies, with vinegar you catch nobody.

 

            -- Baltimore City Councilman Dominic DiPietro

 

I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell my children that, they just about throw up.

 

            -- Barbara Bush

 

And who knows? Somewhere out there in this audience may even be someone who will one day follow my footsteps, and preside over the White House as the president's spouse. I wish him well!

 

            -- Barbara Bush, commencement address to Wellesley College

 

I believe that mink are raised for being turned into fur coats and if we didn't wear fur coats those little animals would never have been born. So is it better not to have been born or to have lived for a year or two to have been turned into a fur coat? I don't know.

 

            -- Barbi Benton, ex-playboy bunny

 

I am a mass of contradictions

 

            -- Barbra Streisand, Playboy Interview - October 1977

 

It takes a smart man to know when he's stupid.

 

            -- Barney Rubble

 

I don't know what their gripe is. A critic is simply someone paid to render opinions glibly. Critics are grinks and groinks.

 

            -- Baron and Badger, from Badger comics

 

Although the whole of this life were said to be nothing but a dream and the physical world nothing but a phantasm, I should call this dream or phatasm real enough, if, using reason well, we were never deceived by it.

 

            -- Baron Gottfried Wilhelm von Leibniz (1646-1716)

 

Education makes a people easy to lead, but difficult to drive; easy to govern but impossible to enslave.

 

            -- Baron Henry Peter Brougham

 

We find that the sexual instinct, when disappointed and unappeased, frequently seeks and finds a substitute in religion.

 

            -- Baron Richard Von Krafft-Ebing

 

The day is long since past when one had to decide whether to cast one's lot with pro-technological or anti-technological forces. Serious thinkers understand that technology, for better or for worse, is part of the human condition, that it always has been, and that it presumably always will be. The task at hand is to render it servicable to human life.

 

            -- Barry Katz, Technology and Culture

 

The view of technological progress as a linear development, in which some restless metaphysical impulse marches inexorably westward, is inaccurate, implausible, but deeply ingrained.

 

            -- Barry Katz, Technology and Culture: A Historical Romance

 

While it cannot be proved retrospectively that any experience of possession, conversion, revelation, or divine ecstasy was merely an epileptic discharge, we must ask how one differentiates real transcendence from neuropathies that produce the same extreme realness, profundity, ineffability, and sense of cosmic unity. When accounts of sudden religious conversions in TLEs [temporal-lobe epileptics] are laid alongside the epiphanous revelations of the religious tradition, the parallels are striking. The same is true of the recent spate of alleged UFO abductees. Parsimony alone argues against invoking spirits, demons, or extraterrestrials when natural causes will suffice.

 

            -- Barry L. Beyerstein, Neuropathology and the Legacy of Spiritual Possession, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII, No. 3, pg. 255

 

Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof. There are many examples of outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies, but they prevailed with irrefutable data. More often, egregious findings that contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts. I have argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, cosmic conciousness, and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of neuroscience. Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves offer more plausible alternatives.

 

            -- Barry L. Beyerstein, The Brain and Conciousness: Implications for Psi Phenomena, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2, ppg. 163-171

 

Prevalent beliefs that knowledge can be tapped from previous incarnations or from a universal mind (the repository of all past wisdom and creativity) not only are implausible but also unfairly demean the stunning achievements of individual human brains.

 

            -- Barry L. Beyerstein, The Brain and Consciousness: Implications for Psi Phenomena, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2, ppg. 163-171

 

A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take it all away.

 

            -- Barry M. Goldwater

 

Unlimited campaign spending eats at the heart of the democratic process.

 

            -- Barry M. Goldwater

 

I'm not sure I've even got the brains to be President.

 

            -- Barry M. Goldwater in 1964

 

However, on religious issures there can be little or no compromise. There is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs. There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ, or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being. But like any powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used sparingly. The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both. I'm frankly sick and tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in A, B, C, and D. Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me? And I am even more angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans in the name of conservatism.

 

            -- Barry M. Goldwater, from the Congressional Record, September 16, 1981

 

I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell's ass.

 

            -- Barry M. Goldwater, when asked what he thought of Jerry Falwell's suggestion that all good Christians should be against Sandra Day O'Connor's nomination to the Supreme Court

 

A tree is known by its fruit; a man by his deeds.

 

            -- Basil (329-379 A.D.)

 

Equation (1.2-9) is a second order, nonlinear, vector, differential equation which has defied solution in its present form. It is here therefore we depart from the realities of nature to make some simplifying assumptions . . .

 

            -- Bate, Mueller & White, 1971, Fundamentals of Astrodynamics

 

[F]or academic men to be happy, the universe would have to take shape. All of philosophy has no other goal: it is a matter of giving a frock coat to what is, a mathematical frock coat. On the other hand, affirming that the universe resembles nothing and is only formless amounts to saying that the universe is something like a spider or spit.

 

            -- Battaille

 

Everyone is chasing their own personal road runner . . .so when he shoots you point blank in the face with a cannon, you have no choice . . .you've got to just get up off your lazy ass, strap on that ACME jet pack and ghim!

 

            -- Bayley 101, a personal philosophy

 

Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.

 

            -- Beckett

 

The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one often comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won't.

 

            -- Beecher

 

One murder makes a villain, millions a hero.

 

            -- Beilby Porteus (1731-1808)

 

Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain of being a damned fool.

 

            -- Bellamy Brooks

 

I don't see any way that you can justify somebody making $1 million or more a year when the low-level workers aren't making enough money to afford a house.

 

            -- Ben Cohen, chairman and CEO of Ben & Jerry's, , who last year kept his salary to $84,000 (the company limits its top salaries to no more than seven times the pay of the lowest-paid full-time worker):

 

In Hollywood a starlet is the name for any woman under thirty who is not actively employed in a brothel.

 

            -- Ben Hecht

 

Confound these ancestors . . .. They've stolen our best ideas!

 

            -- Ben Jonson

 

Snowy, Flowy, Blowy, Showery, Flowery, Bowery, Hoppy, Croppy, Droppy, Breezy, Sneezy, Freezy. The Twelve Months.

 

            -- Benham. _Book of Quotations._

 

The history of saints is mainly the history of insane people.

 

            -- Benito Mussolini (1883-1945)

 

There has been opposition to every innovation in the history of man, with the possible exception of the sword.

 

            -- Benjamin Dana

 

The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, it would be a calamity.

 

            -- Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881)

 

The best way to become acquainted with a subject is to write a book about it.

 

            -- Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881)

 

I feel a very unusual sensation - if it is not indigestion, I think it must be gratitude.

 

            -- Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881)

 

What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens.

 

            -- Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881)

 

When men are pure, laws are useless; when men are corrupt, laws are broken.

 

            -- Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881)

 

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.

 

            -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

 

As to Jesus of Nazareth . . .I think the system of Morals and his Religion, as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see; but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have, with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his divinity.

 

            -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

 

God heals, and the doctor takes the fee.

 

            -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

 

In rivers and bad governments, the lightest things swim at the top.

 

            -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

 

Many men die at twenty-five and aren't buried until they are seventy-five.

 

            -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

 

We must all hang together, or we will surely all hang separately

 

            -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

 

Well done is better than well said.

 

            -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

 

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

 

            -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

 

Ben Franklin was a little stout later in life and it was said that in Paris a young woman, tapping him on his protruding abdomen, said, Dr. Franklin, if this were on a woman, we'd know what to think. And Franklin replied, Half an hour ago, Mademoiselle, it was on a woman, and now what do you think?

 

            -- Benjamin Franklin, from the Humes File

 

You must believe in God in spite of what the clergy say.

 

            -- Benjamin Jowett

 

Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer. It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that. On the other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their religions.

 

            -- Benjamin Spock

 

I'm not drunk. I can see perfectly well that cat coming toward me has only one eye.

 

            -- Benny Hill

 

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

 

            -- Benny Hill

 

The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.

 

            -- Benny Hill

 

Science would be ruined if (like sports) it were to put competition above everything else, and if it were to clarify the rules of competition by withdrawing entirely into narrowly defined specialties. The rare scholars who are nomads-by-choice are essential to the intellectual welfare of the settled disciplines.

 

            -- Benoit Mandelbrot

 

Dear Lord, I've been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us . . . a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird . . . a social being . . . capable of actual affection . . . nuzzling its young with almost human-like compassion. Anyway, it's dead and we're gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family . . .

 

            -- Berke Breathed, Bloom Country Babylon

 

This document describes the usage and input syntax of the Unix Vax-11 assembler As. As is designed for assembling code produced by the C compiler; certain concessions have been made to handle code written directly by people, but in general little sympathy has been extended.

 

            -- Berkeley Vax/Unix Assembler Reference Manual (1983)

 

I like the word `indolence.' it makes my laziness seem classy.

 

            -- Bern Williams

 

The danger from computers is not that they will eventually get as smart as men, but that we will meanwhile agree to meet them halfway.

 

            -- Bernard Avishai

 

Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago.

 

            -- Bernard Berenson (1865-1959)

 

Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.

 

            -- Bernard M. Baruch

 

Honesty: the most important thing in life. Unless you really know how to fake it, you'll never make it.

 

            -- Bernard Rosenberg

 

I have five dollars for each of you.

 

            -- Bernhard Goetz

 

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

 

            -- Bert Lantz

 

If I traveled to the end of the rainbow

As Dame Fortune did intend,

Murphy would be there to tell me

The pot's at the other end.

 

            -- Bert Whitney

 

Do not fear death so much but rather the inadequate life.

 

            -- Bertolt Brecht (1898-1956)

 

Grub first, then ethics.

 

            -- Bertolt Brecht (1898-1956)

 

He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.

 

            -- Bertolt Brecht (1898-1956)

 

I don't trust him. We're friends.

 

            -- Bertolt Brecht (1898-1956)

 

On thinking about Hell, I gather My brother Shelley found it was a place Much like the city of London. I Who live in Los Angeles and not in London Find, on thinking about Hell, that it must be Still more like Los Angeles.

 

            -- Bertolt Brecht (1898-1956)

 

There are times when you have to choose between being a human and having good taste.

 

            -- Bertolt Brecht (1898-1956)

 

War is like love; it always finds a way.

 

            -- Bertolt Brecht (1898-1956)

 

Why be a man when you can be a success?

 

            -- Bertolt Brecht (1898-1956)

 

Something ignoble, loathsome, undignified attends all associations between people and has been transferred to all objects, dwelling, tools, even the landscape itself.

 

            -- Bertolt Brecht (1898-1956) on America

 

All movements go too far.

 

            -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

 

Even in civilized mankind faint traces of monogamous instincts can be perceived.

 

            -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

 

Few people can be happy unless they hate some other person, nation, or creed.

 

            -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

 

I've always thought respectable people scoundrels, and I look anxiously at my face every morning for signs of my becoming a scoundrel.

 

            -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

 

Life is nothing but a competition to be the criminal rather than the victim.

 

            -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

 

Men are born ignorant, not stupid; they are made stupid by education.

 

            -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

 

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

 

            -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

 

Obscenity is what happens to shock some elderly and ignorant magistrate.

 

            -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

 

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

 

            -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

 

Order, unity and continuity are human inventions just as truly as catalogues and encyclopedias.

 

            -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

 

Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons.

 

            -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

 

Sin is geographical.

 

            -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

 

So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.

 

            -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

 

Some would sooner die than think. In fact, they often do.

 

            -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

 

The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is a delight to moralists - that is why they invented hell.

 

            -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

 

The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.

 

            -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

 

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

 

            -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

 

What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the wish to find out, which is the exact opposite.

 

            -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

 

The human race may well become extinct before the end of the century.

 

            -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1970), Playboy Interview - March 1963

 

He goes on about the wailing and gnashing of teeth. It comes in one verse after another, and it is quite manifest to the reader that there is a certain pleasure in contemplating the wailing and gnashing of teeth, or else it would not occur so often.

 

            -- Bertrand Russell, Why I Am Not a Christian

 

I pledge a lesson to the frog of the United States of America. And to the wee puppet for witch's hands. One Asian, under God, in the vestibule, with little tea and just rice for all.

 

            -- Bette Bao Lord, age 8. [Newsweek, 7/6.]

 

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to?

 

            -- Bette Midler

 

Giving a man space is like giving a dog a computer: the chances are he will not use it wisely.

 

            -- Bette-Jane Raphael

 

I mean, certainly no one actually wants to be whipped or spanked, right?

 

            -- Bettie Page (50's pinup model) on bondage scenes: Playboy, March 1993

 

No Woman gets an orgasm from shining the kitchen floor

 

            -- Betty Friedan

 

It is inconceivable that a judicious observer from another solar system would see in our species -- which has tended to be cruel, destructive, wasteful, and irrational -- the crown and apex of cosmic evolution. Viewing us as the culmination of *anything* is grotesque; viewing us as a transitional species makes more sense -- and gives us more hope.

 

            -- Betty McCollister, Our Transitional Species, Free Inquiry magazine, Vol. 8, No. 1

 

Scratch most feminists and underneath there is a woman who longs to be a sex object. The difference is that is not all she longs to be.

 

            -- Betty Rollin

 

The woman who is truly Spirit-filled will want to be totally submissive to her husband . . .This is a truly liberated woman. Submission is God's design for women.

 

            -- Beverly LaHaye, The Spirit-Controlled Woman

 

Marriage: a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose.

 

            -- Beverly Nichols

 

Governing sense, mind and intellect, intent on liberation, free from desire, fear and anger, the sage is forever free.

 

            -- Bhagavad Gita (c. B.C. 400)

 

Jesus was a crackpot.

 

            -- Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh - San Francisco Chronicle 12/17/85

 

Study nature, not books.

 

            -- Big framed inscription in the library of the Marine Biological Laboratory at Woods Hole, attributed to Louis Agassiz.

 

You don't really jerk out the eyeball, you just sorta *spring* it so it pops outa the socket.

 

            -- Big Frank, in Hells Angels by Hunter S. Thompson

 

Polka tots make polka teens, and polka teens make human beans!

 

            -- Big Joe ("The Big Joe Polka Show," RFDTV)

www.polkacatalog.com

 

You killed Ted, you medieval dickweed!

 

            -- Bill

 

Artificial Intelligence: the art of making computers that behave like the ones in movies

 

            -- Bill Bulko

 

At the annual Gridiron Club dinner in Washington this weekend, after he did a turn on his sax, Clinton said, I might have to pick an FBI Director, and it's going to be hard to fill J. Edgar Hoover's pumps.

 

            -- Bill Clinton

 

To middle-class Americans who have paid a great deal for the last 12 years and from whom I ask a contribution tonight, I will say again . . . you're not going at it alone anymore - you're certainly not going first, and you're not going to pay more for less as you have too often in the past.

 

            -- Bill Clinton, Joint session of Congress, February 17, 1993

 

I had hoped to invest in your future by creating jobs, expanding education, reforming health care and reducing the debt without asking more of you . . . But I can't - because the deficit has increased so much beyond my earlier estimates and beyond even the worst official government estimates from last year. We just have to face the fact that to make the changes our country needs, more Americans must contribute today so that all Americans can do better tommorrow.

 

            -- Bill Clinton, The Oval Office, February 15, 1993

 

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

 

            -- Bill Cosby

 

I really do plan to get out of show business within five years or so.

 

            -- Bill Cosby, Playboy Interview - May 1969

 

640K ought to be enough for anybody.

 

            -- Bill Gates (1955-), in 1981

 

There's always been Tower of Babel sort of bickering inside Unix, but this is the most extreme form ever. This means at least several years of confusion.

 

            -- Bill Gates, founder and chairman of Microsoft, about the Open Systems Foundation

 

Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more 'user-friendly' . . .. Their best approach, so far, has been to take all the old brochures, and stamp the words, 'user-friendly' on the cover.

 

            -- Bill Gates, Pres., Microsoft, Inc.

 

Failure to understand reality is not reality's fault.

 

            -- Bill Henneman

 

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

 

            -- Bill Hirst

 

I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.

 

            -- Bill Hoest

 

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick!

 

            -- Bill Kirchenbaum, comedian

 

The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people, and don't come in clearly enough.

 

            -- Bill Maher

 

The only problem with drawing Nixon is restraint. Your tendency is to let your feelings come out. He's such a loathsome son of a bitch, and he looks so loathsome.

 

            -- Bill Mauldin

 

Of course, the person I was fleeing most fearfully was myself, for I drive, and I'm burning a collapsed barn behind the house next week because it is much the cheapest way to deal with it, and I live on about four hundred times the money that Thoreau conclusively proved was enough, so I've done my share to take this independent, eternal world and turn it into a science fair project.

 

            -- Bill McKibbon, The End of Nature

 

I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of people waiting to abuse me.

 

            -- Bill Murray, Ghostbusters

 

Wagner's music is better than it sounds.

 

            -- Bill Nye (1850-1896) (also attributed to Mark Twain)

 

I couldn't remember things until I took that Sam Carnegie course.

 

            -- Bill Peterson, former Houston Oiler football coach

 

Lead us in a few words of silent prayer.

 

            -- Bill Peterson, former Houston Oiler football coach

 

I think, therefore ackphthh

 

            -- Bill the Cat

 

If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.

 

            -- Bill Vaughan

 

Muscles come and go; flab lasts.

 

            -- Bill Vaughan

 

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.

 

            -- Bill Vaughan

 

Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us to pay income taxes, too?

 

            -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox

 

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

 

            -- Bill Watterson, cartoonist

 

I've added to my understanding that you refer to calling a bullshitter a bullshitter as ``quasi-religious didacticism''.

 

            -- Bill Wells (bill@twwells.com)

 

Your posting is just the kind of BS that leads me to believe that moderation is necessary. As it happens, you are simply wrong. On all counts.

 

            -- Bill Wells (bill@twwells.com)

 

There is only one nature – the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole. ;

 

            -- Bill Wulf

 

Hypocrisy is the vaseline of political intercourse.

 

            -- Billy Connolly on ABC's Head Of the Class

 

I had a dream that Connie Chung is doing a newscast about my death and they show a clip from Soap.

 

            -- Billy Crystal, Playboy Interview – March 1988

 

God is more interested in your future and your relationships than you are.

 

            -- Billy Graham

 

Now we all have a face, that we hide away forever and we take them our and show ourselves when everyone has gone. Some are satin, some are steel, some are silk and some are leather They're the faces of the Stranger but we love to try them on.

 

            -- Billy Joel - The Stranger

 

Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting.

 

            -- Billy Rose

 

France is the only country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper.

 

            -- Billy Wilder

 

In science, right conduct consists of evaluating evidence honestly and according to the canons of scientific reasoning. To misrepresent the evidence and the criteria of judgement is not merely to provide misinformation; it is to set an example of dishonesty. Telling lies to naive and trusting young persons is bad. Doing so for the purpose of proselytizing is worse.

 

            -- biologist Michael T. Ghiselin

 

The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange protein; it rejects it.

 

            -- Biologist P. B. Medawar

 

A little caution outflanks a large cavalry

 

            -- Bismarck

 

You kids today have it easy. When I was a kid everything was HUGE. My dad was nearly four times bigger than me. You couldn't even see the tops of counters . . .. Then gradually everything became smaller until it was the manageable size it is today.

 

            -- Bizarro (comic strip)

 

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder but when you do it blows away your whole leg

 

            -- Bjarne Stroustrup

 

The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best dangerous.

 

            -- Bjarne Stroustrup in The C++ Programming Language

 

Our land is more valuable than your money. As long as the sun shines and the waters flow, this land will be here to give life to men and animals; therefore, we cannot sell this land. It was put here for us by the Great Spirit and we cannot sell it because it does not belong to us.

 

            -- Blackfoot chief, (c. 1880)

 

It's not whether you win or lose, but who gets the blame.

 

            -- Blaine Nye - former Dallas Cowboy

 

I must've seen it in a USENET posting; that's sort of like hearsay evidence from Richard Nixon.

 

            -- Blair Houghton

 

In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be indented six feet downward and covered with dirt.

 

            -- Blair P. Houghton, regarding C Code indentation

 

For after all what is man in nature? A nothing in relation to infinity, all in relation to nothing, a central point between nothing and all and infinitely far from understanding either. The ends of things and their beginnings are impregnably concealed from him in an impenetrable secret. He is equally incapable of seeing the nothingness out of which he was drawn and the infinite in which he is engulfed.

 

            -- Blaise Pascal (1623-1662)

 

Most of the evils of life arise from man's being unable to sit still in a room.

 

            -- Blaise Pascal (1623-1662)

 

The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.

 

            -- Blaise Pascal (1623-1662)

 

Uncertain fortune is thoroughly mastered by the equity of the calculation.

 

            -- Blaise Pascal (1623-1662)

 

This [letter] would not be so long had I but the leisure to make it shorter.

 

            -- Blaise Pascal (1623-1662), Lettres Provinciales.

 

Man is to himself the most wonderful object in nature; for he cannot conceive what the body is, still less what the mind is, and least of all how a body should be united to a mind. This is the consummation of his difficulties, and yet it is his very being.

 

            -- Blaise Pascal (1623-1662), Pensees(II,72)

 

Man is but a reed, the most feeble thing in nature, but he is a thinking reed. The entire universe need not arm itself to crush him. A vapour, a drop of water, suffices to kill him. But if the universe were to crush him, man would still be more noble than that which killed him, because he knows that he dies and the advantage which the universe has over him; the universe knows nothing of this.

 

            -- Blaise Pascal (1623-1662), quoted by Rebecca West in BLACK LAMB AND GREY FALCON: A JOURNEY THROUGH YUGOSLAVIA, 1940.

 

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

 

            -- Blake Clark

 

As I was walking among the fires of Hell, delighted with the enjoyments of Genius; which to Angels look like torment and insanity. I collected some of their Proverbs . . .

 

            -- Blake, The Marriage of Heaven and Hell

 

If it's not loud, it doesn't work!

 

            -- Blank Reg, from Max Headroom

 

You are WRONG, you ol' brass-breasted fascist poop!

 

            -- Bloom County

 

Hi. This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number . . . and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the F.B.I . . . BEEEP

 

            -- Blue Devil comics

 

Right now I feel that I've got my feet on the ground as far as my head is concerned.

 

            -- Bo Belinsky, Baseball pitcher

 

Water generally flows downhill in this area.

 

            -- Bob Bennett, WDIV News 4, Detroit, reporting on a flood that destroyed some suburban basement apartments.

 

There has been an alarming increase lately In the number of things about which I know absolutely nothing.

 

            -- Bob Cain (rcain@netcom.com)

 

Bob Dole, the Senate Republican leader, called Bush's re-election attempt Dr. Kevorkian's first effort as a campaign manager. Noticing Al Gore's position leading environmental policy, Sen. Dole had this to say: Al, I think the lawn looks great.

 

            -- Bob Dole

 

Any man not busy being born is busy dying.

 

            -- Bob Dylan

 

I've always wanted to be Brigitte Bardot.

 

            -- Bob Dylan, Playboy Interview - March 1966

 

A little learning is a dangerous thing but a lot of ignorance is just as bad.

 

            -- Bob Edwards

 

Tongue - a variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.

 

            -- Bob Ekstrom, Pitt, MN

 

What's the difference between a Dice Clay concert and a Klan rally? Nothing. Trick question.

 

            -- Bob Goldthwait

 

I've been traveling so much, I haven't had time to grow it.

 

            -- Bob Horner, Atlanta Braves third baseman, on why he hadn't grown a beard

 

Baby carriage bumper sticker: ``POO-POO HAPPENS!''

 

            -- Bob Irwin (birwin@ficc.ferranti.com)

 

Decaffeinated coffee? Kinda like kissing your sister.

 

            -- Bob Irwin (birwin@ficc.ferranti.com)

 

Love is always having to say I'm sorry.

 

            -- Bob Irwin (birwin@ficc.ferranti.com)

 

The world is coming to an end. Please log off.

 

            -- Bob Irwin (birwin@ficc.ferranti.com)

 

Grove giveth and Gates taketh away. ;

 

            -- Bob Metcalfe (inventor of Ethernet), on the trend of hardware speedups not being able to keep up with software demands

 

The world is proof that God is a committee.

 

            -- Bob Stokes

 

My empty waterdish mocks me.

 

            -- Bob the Dog

 

Anybody with ability can play in the big leagues today, but to be able to trick people year in and year out the way I did, I think that's a much greater feat.

 

            -- Bob Uecker

 

The way to catch a knuckle ball is to wait until the ball stops rolling and then pick it up.

 

            -- Bob Uecker

 

They have Easter egg hunts in Philadelphia, and if the kids don't find the eggs, they get booed.

 

            -- Bob Uecker

 

And we heard him exclaim As he started to roam: `I'm a hologram, kids, please don't try this at home!'

 

            -- Bob Violence (Howie Chaykin's little animated 3-dimensional darling, Bob Violence)

 

It might be worth reflecting that this group was originally created back in September of 1987 and has exchanged over 1200 messages. The original announcement for the group called for an all inclusive discussion ranging from the writings of Gibson and Vinge and movies like Bladerunner to real world things like Brands' description of the work being done at the MIT Media Lab. It was meant as a haven for people with vision of this scope. If you want to create a haven for people with narrower visions, feel free. But I feel sad for anyone who thinks that alt.cyberpunk is such a monstrous group that it is in dire need of being subdivided. Heaven help them if they ever start reading comp.arch or rec.arts.sf-lovers.

 

            -- Bob Webber

 

I've got one word for the eighties. One word. Handguns. Disposable Handguns.

 

            -- Bobbi Harlow's father to Steve Dallas in Bloom County

 

 . . .One thing is that, unlike any other Western democracy that I know of, this country has operated since its beginnings with a basic distrust of government. We are constituted not for efficient operation of government, but for minimizing the possibility of abuse of power. It took the events of the Roosevelt era -- a catastrophic economic collapse and a world war -- to introduce the strong central government that we now know. But in most parts of the country today, the reluctance to have government is still strong. I think, barring a series of catastrophic events, that we can look to at least another decade during which many of the big problems around this country will have to be addressed by institutions other than federal government.

 

            -- Bobby R. Inman, Admiral, USN, Retired, former director of Naval Intelligence, vice director of the DIA, former director of the NSA, deputy directory of Central Intelligence, former chairman and CEO of MCC.

 

The Middle East is certainly the nexus of turmoil for a long time to come -- with shifting players, but the same game: upheaval. I think we will be confronting militant Islam -- particularly fallout from the Iranian revolution -- and religion will once more, as it has in our own more distant past -- play a role at least as standard-bearer in death and mayhem.

 

            -- Bobby R. Inman, Admiral, USN, Retired, former director of Naval Intelligence, vice director of the DIA, former director of the NSA, deputy director of Central Intelligence, former chairman and CEO of MCC.

 

This is a bad election. It's like going to an adult novelty store and trying to pick out the least painful dildo.

 

            -- Bobcat Goldthwait

 

Grasshopper always wrong in argument with chicken

 

            -- Book of Chan compiled by O.P.U. sect

 

Lie Down and Roll Over and 159 Other Ways To Say I Love You

 

            -- Book title by Erskine & Moran – 1981

 

There are two ways of exerting one's strength: one is pushing down, the other is pulling up.

 

            -- Booker T. Washington

 

I would like to see a dictionary of Usenet slang written and added to the n.a.newusers postings.

 

            -- Boyd Nation (boyd@ingr.com)

 

IMHO, if some newby wants a n.a.n newsfroup dictionary of net.slang put in the crontab of a net.god's backbone site, the silly JEDR should email him instead of posting the start of a flamefest I have to put in my kill file or unsubscribe to. BTW, that posting was a megabyte gilly. What a maroney! Almost half a waldron of pompousity. Imminent death of the net predicted. Perhaps he should ask his SO or MOTOS what net.slang means. Of if his MOTAS is a MOTSS, he should ask him? Or just post his question to /dev/null.

BTW, IMHO if you understood this whole posting, you've been on the net far too long. BCNU :-) TTFN.

 

            -- Brad Templeton (brad@looking.on.ca)

 

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

 

            -- Bradley's Bromide

 

They communicated by tap-dancing and farting.

 

            -- Breakfast of Champions

 

Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how its done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.

 

            -- Brendan Behan

 

When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.

 

            -- Brendan Behan

 

To read your own poetry in public is a kind of mental incest.

 

            -- Brendan Behan's father quoted by Shay Duffrin in his one-man show Confessions of an Irish Rebel 1984

 

Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.

 

            -- Brendan Gill

 

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

 

            -- Brendon Behan

 

Surrealism aims at the total transformation of the mind and all that resembles it

 

            -- Breton

 

Civilization is the distance man has placed between himself and his excreta.

 

            -- Brian Aldiss

 

That is not the Usenet tradition, but it's a solidly-entrenched delusion now.

 

            -- Brian Kantor (brian@ucsd.Edu)

 

The only way to learn a new programming language is by writing programs in it.

 

            -- Brian Kernighan

 

Trying is the internalization of the failure of omnipotence.

 

            -- Brian O'Shaugnessy

 

I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery. I insist on believing that some men are my equals.

 

            -- Brigid Brophy

 

Whenever people say we mustn't be sentimental, you can take it they are about to do something cruel. And if they add, we must be realistic, they mean they are going to make money out of it.

 

            -- Brigid Brophy

 

If you'll excuse me a minute, I'm going to have a cup of coffee.

 

            -- broadcast from Apollo 11's LEM, Eagle, to Johnson Space Center, Houston July 20, 1969, 7:27 P.M.

 

It is fatal to be right when the rest of the world is wrong.

 

            -- Brother Theodore

 

But what about Bill Cosby  . . . the man who is to fathers what Marla Maples is to slutty chorines?

 

            -- Bruce Handy

 

But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.

 

            -- Bruce Leverett - Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers

 

In a way, staring into a computer screen is like staring into an eclipse. It's brilliant and you don't realize the damage until its too late.

 

            -- Bruce Sterling

 

Look! There! Evil!.. pure and simple, total evil from the Eighth Dimension!

 

            -- Buckaroo Banzai

 

No matter where you go, there you are . . .

 

            -- Buckaroo Banzai

 

Living with a conscience is like driving a car with the brakes on.

 

            -- Budd Schulberg

 

He don't know me vewy well, DO he?

 

            -- Bugs Bunny

 

Eeny Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak.

 

            -- Bullwinkle J. Moose

 

Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *can* you believe?!

 

            -- Bullwinkle J. Moose

 

When it comes to humility, I'm the greatest.

 

            -- Bullwinkle J. Moose

 

We wish to incorporate into the machine -- in the form of circuits -- only such logical concepts as are either necessary to have a complete system or highly convenient because of the frequency with which they occur and the influence they exert in the relevant mathematical situations.

 

            -- Burks, Goldstine, and von Neumann (1946) (from _Computer Stuctures: Readings and Examples_, C. Gordon Bell (ed) McGraw-Hill Book Company, (c) 1971, page 97)

 

Don’t lose

Your head

To gain

a minute

You need

your head

Your brains

are in it.

 

            -- Burma Shave

 

Oh well, it's six dozen of one, half the other.

 

            -- Bus Driver, NYC, 19 Dec 1990

 

Sometimes insanity is the only alternative

 

            -- button at a Science Fiction convention.

 

Usenet is like Tetris for people who still remember how to read.

 

            -- Button from the Computer Museum, Boston, MA

 

Usenet isn't a right. It's a right, a left, and a swift uppercut to the jaw.

 

            -- Button from the Computer Museum, Boston, MA

 

Do not allow this language (Ada) in its present state to be used in applications where reliability is critical, i.e., nuclear power stations, cruise missiles, early warning systems, anti-ballistic missle defense systems. The next rocket to go astray as a result of a programming language error may not be an exploratory space rocket on a harmless trip to Venus: It may be a nuclear warhead exploding over one of our cities. An unreliable programming language generating unreliable programs constitutes a far greater risk to our environment and to our society than unsafe cars, toxic pesticides, or accidents at nuclear power stations.

 

            -- C. A. R. Hoare

 

To those who were robbed of life:  the unborn, the weak, the sick, the old, during the dark ages of madness, selfishness, lust and greed for which the last decades of the twentieth century are remembered . .

 

            -- C. Everett Koop, MD

 

Lucas cannot consistently assert this sentence.

 

            -- C. H. Whitely

 

Algol 60 was not only an improvement on its predecessors, but also on nearly all its successors.

 

            -- C. Hoare

 

To downgrade the human mind is bad theology.

 

            -- C. K. Chesterton

 

 . . .public television is one of the most extravagant, over-capitalized institutions in our society .. a huge national conglomerate  . . .l almost every one of the major local stations in public television has an elaborate, state-of-the-art, and very expensive production facility. Most  . . . are scarcely used  . . . but there they are: costing money and gathering dust.

 

            -- C. M. Lichenstein, former Sr. VP, PBS

 

Perfection is achieved only on the point of collapse.

 

            -- C. N. Parkinson

 

No one is fit to be trusted with power.  . . . No one.  . . . Any man who has lived at all knows the follies and wickedness he's capabe of.  . . . And if he does know it, he knows also that neither he nor any man ought to be allowed to decide a single human fate.

 

            -- C. P. Snow, The Light and the Dark

 

A good many times I have been present at gatherings of people who, by the standards of the traditional culture, are thought highly educated and who have with considerable gusto been expressing their incredulity at the illiteracy of scientists, Once or twice I have been provoked and have asked the company how many of them could describe the Second Law of Thermodynamics. The response was cold: it was also negative.

 

            -- C. P. Snow, The two Cultures

 

That is the key to history. Terrific energy is expended -- civilizations are built up -- excellent institutions devised; but each time something goes wrong. Some fatal flaw always brings the selfish and cruel people to the top, and then it all slides back into misery and ruin. In fact, the machine conks. It seems to start up all right and runs a few yards, and then it breaks down.

 

            -- C. S. Lewis

 

Five senses; an incurably abstract intellect; a haphazardly selective memory; a set of preconceptions and assumptions so numerous that I can never examine more than minority of them - never become conscious of them all. How much of total reality can such an apparatus let through?

 

            -- C. S. Lewis (1898-1963)

 

I live in the Managerial Age, in a world of Admin. The greatest evil is not now done in those sordid dens of crime that Dickens loved to paint. It is not done even in concentration camps and labour camps. In those we see its final result. But it is conceived and ordered (moved, seconded, carried, and minuted) in clean, carpeted, warmed and well-lighted offices, by quiet men with white collars and cut fingernails and smooth-shaven cheeks who do not need to raise their voices. Hence, naturally enough, my symbol for Hell is something like the bureaucracy of a police state or the office of a thoroughly nasty business concern.

 

            -- C. S. Lewis (1898-1963)

 

We laugh at honor and are shocked to find traitors in our midst.

 

            -- C. S. Lewis (1898-1963)

 

 . . . that people often say about Him: I'm ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don't accept His claim to be God. That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic--on a level with the man who says he is a poached egg--or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God: or else a madman or something worse. You can shut Him up for a fool, you can spit at Him and kill Him as a demon; or you can fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come with any patronising nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to.

 

            -- C. S. Lewis (1898-1963), Mere Christianity

 

There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies. And the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.

 

            -- C.A.R. Hoare

 

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

 

            -- C.G. Jung (1875-1961)

 

I do not know how other people would set about the task. I can therefore only tell you how I myself have approached the matter, and I must submit to the reproach that my way of solving the problem is the outcome of my individual prejudice. Indeed, this objection is so entirely true, that I should not know how to meet it. I might, perhaps, content myself by referring to Columbus, who, by using subjective assumptions, a false hypothesis, and a route abandoned by modern navigation, nevertheless discovered America.

 

            -- C.G. Jung, Modern Man in Search of a Soul

 

I believe the intellectual life of the whole of western society is increasingly being split into two polar groups . . .. Literary intellectuals at one pole--at the other scientists, and as the most representative, the physical scientists. Between the two a gulf of mutual incomprehension.

 

            -- C.P. Snow, _The Two Cultures_ and the Scientific Revolution_, (1959 Rede Lecture) p. 3

 

Not to be, but to seem, virtuous -- it is a formula whose utility we all discovered in the nursery.

 

            -- C.S. Lewis

 

Failing to get them to do it your way might mean they're stupid, but it also means you failed to get them to do it your way.

 

            -- Cal Keegan

 

If your computer doesn't multitask, it ain't shit.

 

            -- Cal Keegan

 

Life begins when you can spend your spare time programming instead of watching television.

 

            -- Cal Keegan

 

Never ascribe to malice that which is caused by greed and ignorance.

 

            -- Cal Keegan

 

The chain that can be yanked is not the cosmic chain.

 

            -- Cal Keegan

 

I see the world in very fluid, contradictory, emerging, interconnected terms, and with that kind of circuitry I just don't feel the need to say what is going to happen or will not happen.

 

            -- California Govenor Jerry Brown, San Francisco Examiner, Oct 12, 1980

 

A big book is a big bore.

 

            -- Callimachus (c. 260 B.C.)

 

More people out of work leads to higher unemployment.

 

            -- Calvin Coolidge (1872-1933)

 

Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination are omnipotent. The slogan 'press on' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.

 

            -- Calvin Coolidge (1872-1933)

 

When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.

 

            -- Calvin Coolidge (1872-1933)

 

You don't have to explain something you never said

 

            -- Calvin Coolidge (1872-1933)

 

Changing a college curriculum is like moving a graveyard--you never know how many friends the dead have until you try to move them!

 

            -- Calvin Coolidge or Woodrow Wilson

 

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner.

 

            -- Calvin Keegan

 

Anybody caught selling macrame in public should be dyed a natural color and hung out to dry.

 

            -- Calvin Trillin

 

Before I go out to take a picture of someone, I just stop at the city desk and say, 'Do you want him gazing out toward the sunset or picking his nose?'

 

            -- Calvin Trillin

 

Health food makes me sick.

 

            -- Calvin Trillin

 

If law school is so hard to get through . . . how come there are so many lawyers?

 

            -- Calvin Trillin

 

Marriage is not merely sharing the fettucini, but sharing the burden of finding the fettucini restaurant in the first place.

 

            -- Calvin Trillin

 

Marriage is part of a sort of 50's revival package that's back in vogue along with neckties and naked ambition.

 

            -- Calvin Trillin

 

Math was always my bad subject. I couldn't convince my teachers that many of my answers were meant ironically.

 

            -- Calvin Trillin

 

The average trade book has a shelf life of between milk and yogurt, except for books by any member of the Irving Wallace family - they have preservatives.

 

            -- Calvin Trillin

 

There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want

 

            -- Calvin, Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson

 

People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.

 

            -- Calvin, Calvin and Hobbes, by Bill Watterson

 

Verbing weirds language.

 

            -- Calvin, Calvin and Hobbes, by Bill Watterson

 

You know how Einstein got bad grades as a kid? Well, MINE are even WORSE!

 

            -- Calvin, Calvin and Hobbes, by Bill Watterson

 

Your life is a Fellini movie lacking only Anita Ekberg with a cat on her head.

 

            -- Camille Paglia - Spy Magazine

 

Opportunity for all means making taxes fair. I'm not out to soak the rich. But I do believe the rich should pay their fair share. For twelve years, the Republicans have raised taxes on the middle class. It's time to give the middle class tax relief.

 

            -- Candidate Bill Clinton, Announcement Speech, October 3, 1991

 

[George Bush] has raised taxes on the people driving pickup trucks and lowered taxes on the people riding in limousines. We can do better.

 

            -- Candidate Bill Clinton, Democratic National Convention, July 16, 1992

 

No wonder Americans hate politics when, year in and year out, they hear politicians make promises that won't come true because they don't even mean them - campaign fantasies that win elections but don't get nations moving again.

 

            -- Candidate Bill Clinton, Detroit Economic Club, August 21, 1992

 

Ronald Reagan and George Bush pushed through programs that raised taxes on the middle class. I think it's time to cut them. And in my administration I'll offer a middle-income tax cut that will cut rates on the middle class.

 

            -- Candidate Bill Clinton, Georgetown University, November 20,1991

 

I'm not going to raise taxes on middle-class Americans to pay for the programs I've recommended.

 

            -- Candidate Bill Clinton, Presidential Debate, October 19, 1992

 

We have to ask the wealthiest Americans to pay their fair share again. Their incomes went up in the 1980s and their taxes went down. We can't ask the middle class to pay more; their incomes went down and their taxes went up.

 

            -- Candidate Bill Clinton, U.S. Conference Of Mayors, Houston, June 22, 1992

 

It is blatantly false . . . It is a disgrace to the American people that the President of the United States would make a claim that is so baseless, that is so without foundation, so shameless in its attempt to get votes under false pretenses.

 

            -- Candidate Lying Bill Clinton, on Bush's charge that Clinton would increase taxes on all Americans making $36,600/year

 

We will lower the tax burden on middle-class Americans by asking the very wealthy to pay their fair share. Middle-class taxpayers will have a choice between a children's tax credit or a significant reduction in the income tax rate.

 

            -- Candidates Bill Clinton and Al Gore, Putting People First, 1992

 

No matter what temptation there is after an accident to be economical with the truth when rationalising it with hindsight, please remember it would be unforgivable if, by not revealing the facts or the complete truth, a similar incident became an unavoidable accident.

 

            -- Captain Colin Seaman, British Aerospace's head of safety

 

Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure that you're the one holding it

 

            -- Captain Combat

 

If you give me six lines written by the most honest man, I will find something in them to hang him.

 

            -- Cardinal de Richelieu

 

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

 

            -- Carl Friedrich Gauss (1777-1855), while working, when informed that his wife is dying

 

Observance of customs and laws can very easily be a cloak for a lie so subtle that our fellow human beings are unable to detect it. It may help us to escape all criticism, we may even be able to deceive ourselves in the belief of our obvious righteousness. But deep down, below the surface of the average man's conscience, he hears a voice whispering, There is something not right, no matter how much his rightness is supported by public opinion or by the moral code.

 

            -- Carl G. Jung in the introduction to Frances G. Wickes' Analysis der Kinderseele (The Inner World of Childhood) 1931

 

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

 

            -- Carl Gustav Jung (1875-1961)

 

All of the books in the world contain no more information than is broadcast as video in a single large American city in a single year. Not all bits have equal value.

 

            -- Carl Sagan

 

I believe that part of what propels science is the thirst for wonder. It's a very powerful emotion. All children feel it. In a first grade classroom everybody feels it; in a twelfth grade classroom almost nobody feels it, or at least acknowledges it. Something happens between first and twelfth grade, and it's not just puberty. Not only do the schools and the media not teach much skepticism, there is also little encouragement of this stirring sense of wonder. Science and pseudoscience both arouse that feeling. Poor popularizations of science establish an ecological niche for pseudoscience.

 

            -- Carl Sagan, “The Burden Of Skepticism,” The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. 12, Fall 87

 

A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary propensity toward fanaticism.

 

            -- Carl Sagan, Contact

 

 . . .Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth. Most notably I have ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old. Well, I haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected it. There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between prejudice and postjudice. Prejudice is making a judgment before you have looked at the facts. Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards. Prejudice is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious mistakes. Postjudice is not terrible. You can't be perfect of course; you may make mistakes also. But it is permissible to make a judgment after you have examined the evidence. In some circles it is even encouraged.

 

            -- Carl Sagan, The Burden of Skepticism, Skeptical Enquirer, Vol. 12, pg. 46

 

I maintain there is much more wonder in science than in pseudoscience. And in addition, to whatever measure this term has any meaning, science has the additional virtue, and it is not an inconsiderable one, of being true.

 

            -- Carl Sagan, The Burden Of Skepticism, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. 12, Fall 87

 

If science were explained to the average person in a way that is accessible and exciting, there would be no room for pseudoscience. But there is a kind of Gresham's Law by which in popular culture the bad science drives out the good. And for this I think we have to blame, first, the scientific community ourselves for not doing a better job of popularizing science, and second, the media, which are in this respect almost uniformly dreadful. Every newspaper in America has a daily astrology column. How many have even a weekly astronomy column? And I believe it is also the fault of the educational system. We do not teach how to think. This is a very serious failure that may even, in a world rigged with 60,000 nuclear weapons, compromise the human future.

 

            -- Carl Sagan, The Burden Of Skepticism, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. 12, Fall 87

 

I'm often asked the question, Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli- gence? I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there, and use the word *billions*, and so on. And then I say it would be astonishing to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as yet no compelling evidence for it. And then I'm asked, Yeah, but what do you really think? I say, I just told you what I really think. Yeah, but what's your gut feeling? But I try not to think with my gut. Really, it's okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in.

 

            -- Carl Sagan, The Burden Of Skepticism, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. 12, Fall 87

 

At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny of all ideas, old and new. This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep nonsense. Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism: The collective enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the field on track.

 

            -- Carl Sagan, The Fine Art of Baloney Detection, Parade, February 1, 1987

 

Finding the occasional straw of truth awash in a great ocean of confusion and bamboozle requires intelligence, vigilance, dedication and courage. But if we don't practice these tough habits of thought, we cannot hope to solve the truly serious problems that face us -- and we risk becoming a nation of suckers, up for grabs by the next charlatan who comes along.

 

            -- Carl Sagan, The Fine Art of Baloney Detection, Parade, February 1, 1987

 

One of the saddest lessons of history is this: If we've been bamboozled long enough, we tend to reject any evidence of the bamboozle. We're no longer interested in finding out the truth. The bamboozle has captured us. it is simply too painful to acknowledge -- even to ourselves -- that we've been so credulous. (So the old bamboozles tend to persist as the new bamboozles rise.)

 

            -- Carl Sagan, The Fine Art of Baloney Detection, Parade, February 1, 1987

 

I'm an idealist: I don't know where I'm going but I'm on my way.

 

            -- Carl Sandburg

 

The most familiar quotations are the most likely to be misquoted . . . Some have settled down to false versions that have obscured the true ones. They have passed over from literature into speech.

 

            -- Carl Van Doren

 

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

 

            -- Carl Zwanzig

 

Actions lie louder than words.

 

            -- Carolyn Wells

 

Six years for possession of a cigarette? . . .I got six months for possession of a deadly weapon!

 

            -- cartoon by S. Harris

 

I improve on misquotation.

 

            -- Cary Grant

 

My formula for living is quite simple. I get up in the morning and I go to bed at night. In between, I occupy myself as best I can.

 

            -- Cary Grant

 

Before I say anything at all, I want to tell you something.

 

            -- Casey Stengal (1891-1975), opening a press conference

 

I was not successful as a ballplayer, as it was a game of skill.

 

            -- Casey Stengel (1891-1975)

 

In ten years, Ed Kranepool has a chance to be a star. In ten years, Greg Goossen has a chance to be thirty.

 

            -- Casey Stengel (1891-1975), on a pair of twenty-year-olds on his New York Mets squad

 

Ain't never been another fighter like me. Ain't never been no nothing like me.

 

            -- Cassius Clay, Playboy Interview - October 1964

 

After I am dead, I would rather have men ask why Cato has no monument than why he had one.

 

            -- Cato the Elder (234-149 BC, AKA Marcus Porcius Cato)

 

If you are ruled by mind you are a king; if by body, a slave.

 

            -- Cato the Elder (234-149 BC, AKA Marcus Porcius Cato)

 

If you say you can, or if you say you can't, you're right.

 

            -- Cato the Elder (234-149 BC, AKA Marcus Porcius Cato)

 

Oh, this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is!

 

            -- Catullus (87?-54? BC)

 

Writers have two main problems. One is writer's block, when the words won't come at all and the other is logorrhea, when the words come so fast that they can hardly get to the wastebasket in time.

 

            -- Cecilia Bartholomew

 

To know the world one must construct it.

 

            -- Cesare Pavese

 

A critic is a legless man who teaches running.

 

            -- Channing Pollock

 

Streaking. Mooning. Ballwalking. Leg Shaving. Belly/Navel Shots. Chicken Fights. Butt Biting.

 

            -- Chapter headings from the Pentagon's Tailhook report

 

To block hats, that is everything.

 

            -- character in a Woody Allen short story

 

When a dog bites a man that is not news, but when a man bites a dog that is news.

 

            -- Charles Anderson Dana (1819-1897)

 

There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.

 

            -- Charles Anthony Richard Hoare

 

For those who believe in God, most of the big questions are answered. But for those of us who can't readily accept the God formula, the big answers don't remain stone-written. We adjust to new conditions and discoveries. We are pliable. Love need not be a command or faith a dictum. I am my own God. We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state, and our educational system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us.

 

            -- Charles Bukowski

 

It takes a lot to buzz a pro.

 

            -- Charles Bukowski

 

Of course it's possible to love a human being if you don't know them too well.

 

            -- Charles Bukowski

 

That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers.

 

            -- Charles Chincholles

 

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.

 

            -- Charles Darwin (1809-1882)

 

How can one conceive of a one party system in a country that has over 200 varieties of cheese.

 

            -- Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970)

 

In order to become the master, the politician poses as the servant.

 

            -- Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970)

 

Old age is a shipwreck.

 

            -- Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970)

 

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

 

            -- Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970)

 

A married man with a family will do anything for money.

 

            -- Charles De Talleyrand (1754-1838)

 

He would make a lovely corpse.

 

            -- Charles Dickens (1812-1870)

 

The pure and worthy Mrs. Stowe Is one we all are proud to know As mother, wife and authoress – Thank God, I am content with less!

 

            -- Charles Dickens (1812-1870)

 

Get hold of portable property.

 

            -- Charles Dickens (1812-1870), Great Expectations

 

The least practical solutions have the best acronyms.

 

            -- Charles Evans Hughes

 

Everyone realized that Computervision stock was the golden goose. But one grabbed the leg, another grabbed a wing, another got the neck, all pulling hard, and they realize now they could kill the goose if they keep this up.

 

            -- Charles Foundyller of Daratech, from 8/14/92 Wall St Journal

 

The evolution of the human race will not be accomplished in the ten thousand years of tame animals, but in the million years of wild animals, because man is and will always be a wild animal.

 

            -- Charles Galton Darwin

 

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

 

            -- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899

 

[Pornography] causes premarital intercourse, perversion, masturbation in boys, wantonness in girls . . . Attention is given to sensationalists such as Kinsey and Eberhard . . . who, finding fellow travelers in erstwhile respectable media, manage to disseminate, directly and indirectly, their absurd and dirty bleatings and pagan ideas. It seems strange to me that we credit -- I should say that our mass media credit -- the unestablished generalities of a few so-called experts, but ignore the overwhelming testimony of the true experts like J. Edgar Hoover.

 

            -- Charles H. Keating, Jr., former anti-porn activist, the financier behind the Lincoln Savings and Loan scandal (his anti-porn organization got in trouble in 1962 (!) for spending over 90% of the funds they raised)

 

I like less the story that a frog if put in cold water will not bestir itself if that water is heated up slowly and gradually and will in the end let itself be boiled alive, too comfortable with continuity to realize that continuous change at some point may become intolerable and demand a change in behavior.

 

            -- Charles Handy - The Age of Unreason

 

There is no place for the incompetent - there are few hiding places in these organizations. Do not look to the new intelligent organizations with their intelligent machines and their cultures of consent for days of gossipy coffee breaks or for boring but untaxing jobs. The culture of consent is not, as the British would say, going to be everyone's cup of tea unless they are educated and prepared for it. There lies the challenge for our society.

 

            -- Charles Handy - The Age of Unreason

 

Awards are merely the badges of mediocrity.

 

            -- Charles Ives

 

Lawers, I suppose, were children once.

 

            -- Charles Lamb (1775-1834)

 

My motto is: Contented with little, yet wishing for more.

 

            -- Charles Lamb (1775-1834)

 

Nothing to me is more distasteful than that entire complacency and satisfaction which beam in the countenances of a newly married couple.

 

            -- Charles Lamb (1775-1834)

 

Son, in war times it is not safe to think unless one travels with the mob.

 

            -- Charles Lindberg Sr. to Charles Lindberg Jr. in 1917

 

Speculations and loans in foreign fields are likely to bring us into war . . . The war-for-profit group has counterfeited patriotism.

 

            -- Charles Lindberg Sr., 1915

 

Life changed after that jump . . .I'd suddenly stepped to the highest level of daring, a level above even that which airplane pilots could attain.

 

            -- Charles Lindbergh (1902-1974) describing his first skydive

 

The trouble with America is that there are far too many wide-open spaces surrounded by teeth.

 

            -- Charles Luckman

 

Contrariwise, continued Tweedledee, if it was so, it might be, and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!

 

            -- Charles Lutwidge Dodgson (Lewis Carroll) (1832-1898)

 

When I use a word, Humpty Dumpty said in rather a scornful tone. It means just what I choose it to mean - neither more or less. The question is, said Alice, whether you can make words mean so many different things. The question is, said Humpty Dumpty, which is to be master - that's all.

 

            -- Charles Lutwidge Dodgson (Lewis Carroll) (1832-1898)

 

Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!

 

            -- Charles Lutwidge Dodgson (Lewis Carroll) (1832-1898), Through the Looking Glass

 

There is scarcely an occurrence in nature which, happening at a certain time, is not looked upon by some persons as a prognosticator either of good or evil. The latter are in the greatest number, so much more ingenious are we in tormenting ourselves than in discovering reasons for enjoyment in the things that surround us.

 

            -- Charles Mackay, Extraordinary Popular Delusions. . .

 

You can convince anyone of anything if you just push it at them 100% of the time. They may not believe it completely, but they will still use it to form opinions, especially if they have nothing else to draw on.

 

            -- Charles Manson

 

Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an Art.

 

            -- Charles McCabe, San Francisco Chronicle H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

If one only wished to be happy, this could be easily accomplished; but we wish to be happier that other people, and this is always difficult, for we believe others to be happier than they are.

 

            -- Charles Montesquieu (1689-1755)

 

There is no one, says another, whom fortune does not visit once in his life; but when she does not find him ready to receive her, she walks in at the door, and flies out at the window.

 

            -- Charles Montesquieu (1689-1755)

 

Incest is a voluntary act on the woman's part.

 

            -- Charles Rice, Professor of Law, Notre Dame University, in a pamphlet published by the American Life League

 

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.

 

            -- Charles Schultz

 

I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.

 

            -- Charles Schultz

 

No problem is so big that you can't run away from it.

 

            -- Charles Schulz (Snoopy)

 

Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.

 

            -- Charles Schulz (Snoopy)

 

Name me and emperor who was ever struck by a cannonball.

 

            -- Charles V (1500-1558)

 

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

 

            -- Charles William Stubbs

 

In the end, everything is a gag.

 

            -- Charlie Chaplin (1889-1977)

 

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.

 

            -- Charlie McCarthy

 

When I get smitten, I stay smut.

 

            -- Charlie McCarthy

 

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

 

            -- Charlie McCarthy (Edgar Bergen, 1903-1978)

 

Eternity is not something that begins after you are dead. It is going on all the time. We are in it now.

 

            -- Charlotte P Gilman

 

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily this is not difficult.

 

            -- Charlotte Whitton

 

One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.

 

            -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848)

 

I get my exercise acting as a pallbearer to my friends who exercise.

 

            -- Chauncey Depew (1834-1928)

 

I've got some amyls. We could either party later or, like, start his heart.

 

            -- Cheech and Chong's Next Movie

 

Well, now, hold onta yer horses, there, Frazier. I mean, as a psychiatrist, isn't it your job to, uh, `seek and uphold the truth'? Oh, get real, Cliff.

 

            -- Cheers

 

Reason and Justice tell me that there is more love of man in electricity and steam, than in chastity and refusal to eat meat.

 

            -- Chekov of Tolstoy

 

Call my dad, my mom's too busy.

 

            -- Chelsea Clinton, when the school nurse told her parental permission would be necessary for her to take some aspirin.

 

When I was 16 years old, I fucked Warren Beaty. Just like that. I did it because my girlfriends were so crazy about him, and so was my mother.

 

            -- Cher, Playboy Interview – December 1988

 

Feminism is the radical concept that women are people.

 

            -- Cheris Kramarae & Paula Treichler

 

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

 

            -- Chessmaster Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower (1887-1956)

 

The mistakes are all there waiting to be made.

 

            -- Chessmaster Savielly Grigorievitcyh Tartakower (1887-1956), on the game's opening position.

 

A donut without a hole . . .is a Danish.

 

            -- Chevy Chase on SNL's Weekend Update

 

I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.

 

            -- Chico Marx (1891-1961)

 

I think people believe that the only strategy we have is to put a lot of police officers on the street and harass people and make arrests for inconsequential kinds of things. Well, that's part of the strategy, no question about it.

 

            -- Chief Gates

 

We may be finding that in some Blacks when [the carotid chokehold] is applied the veins or arteries do not open up as fast as they do in normal people.

 

            -- Chief Gates explaining the rash of deaths of young blacks while being held in custody

 

I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures.

 

            -- Chief Justice Earl Warren (1891-1974)

 

God damn a potato!

 

            -- Chief Washakie of the Soshone tribe, responding to white bureaucrats who were trying to convert his people to the settled life of the farm.

 

A lot of the stuff I do is so minimal, and it's designed to be minimal. The smallness of it is what's attractive. It's weird, 'cause it's so intellectually lame. It's hard to see me doing that for the rest of my life. But at the same time, it's what I do best.

 

            -- Chris Elliot, writer and performer on Late Night with David Letterman

 

If I promise to miss you, will you go away?

 

            -- Chris Weikart.

 

May your future be limited only by your dreams.

 

            -- Christa McAuliffe

 

So finally the fact is, that to come to this, to make a thing which has the character of nature, and to be true to all the forces in it, to remove yourself, to let it be, without interference from your image-making self - all this requires that we become aware that all of it is transitory; that all of it is going to pass. Of course nature itself is also always transitory. The trees, the river, the humming insects - they are all short-lived; they will all pass. Yet we never feel sad in the presence of these things. No matter how transitory they are, they make us feel happy, joyful. But when we make our own attempt to create nature in the world around us, and succeed, we cannot escape the fact that we are going to die. This quality, when it is reached, in human things, is always sad; it makes us sad; and we can even say that any place where a man tries to make the quality, and be like nature, cannot be true, unless we can feel the slight presence of this haunting sadness there, because we know at the same time we enjoy it, that it is going to pass.

 

            -- Christopher Alexander – The Timeless Way of Building, 1979

 

The attempt to have a victory for a one-sided view of the world cannot work anyway, even for the people who seem to win their point of view. The forces which are ignored do not go away just because they are ignored. They lurk, frustrated, underground. Sooner or later they erupt in violence; and the system which seems to win is then exposed to far more catastrophic dangers./The only way that a pattern can actually help to make a situation genuinely more alive is by recognizing all the forces which exist, and then finding a world in which these forces can slide past each other./Then it becomes a piece of nature./When we see the pattern of the ripples in a pond, we know that this pattern is simply in equilibrium with the forces which exist; without any mental interference which is clouding them./And, when we succeed, finally, in seeing so deep into a man-made pattern, that it is no longer clouded by opinions or by images, then we have discovered a piece of nature as valid, as eternal, as the ripples in the surface of a pond.

 

            -- Christopher Alexander, 1979, The Timeless Way of Building

 

Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same rate as computers and over the same period: how much cheaper and more efficient would the current models be? If you have not already heard the analogy, the answer is shattering. Today you would be able to buy a Rolls-Royce for $2.75, it would do three million miles to the gallon, and it would deliver enough power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II. And if you were interested in miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on a pinhead.

 

            -- Christopher Evans

 

Poetry is the language in which man explores his own amazement.

 

            -- Christopher Fry

 

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp-post how it feels about dogs.

 

            -- Christopher Hampton

 

Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination.

 

            -- Christopher Isherwood

 

The advertising industry thus encourages the pseudo-emancipation of women, flattering them with its insuating reminder, You've come a long way, baby and disguising the freedom to consume as genuine autonomy . . ..It emancipates women and children from patriarchal autonomy, however, only to subject them to the new paternalism of the advertising industry, the industrial corporation, and the state.

 

            -- Christopher Lasch, The Culture of Narcissism

 

A critic is a gong at a railroad crossing clanging loudly and vainly as the train goes by.

 

            -- Christopher Morley (1890-1957)

 

A man who has never made a woman angry is a failure in life.

 

            -- Christopher Morley (1890-1957)

 

My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated, but not signed.

 

            -- Christopher Morley (1890-1957)

 

The trouble with wedlock is that there's not enough wed and too much lock.

 

            -- Christopher Morley (1890-1957)

 

Home is the place where your computer lives and runs your life.

 

            -- Chrome Cowboy, sobiloff@thor.acc.stolaf.edu

 

I have heard from my master that those who have cunning devices use cunning in their affairs, and that those who use cunning in their affairs have cunning hearts. Such cunning means the loss of pure simplicity. Such a loss leads to restlessness of the spirit, and with such men the Tao will not dwell.

 

            -- Chuang Tzu, 3rd Century BC

 

Uh-oh. Atarians can't hold a candle to the insecurity of Mac owners. You rankled Mac owners who feel the need defend yourself, please do so by flaming in private. And don't start something you can't finish. I'm sure Apple's OS for the 68000-based Macintoshs will support multitasking just as soon as Jean Louis-Gasse invents it. In the meantime, do whatever you need to do to make sure other systems that have advanced the state of personal computers don't enter your peripheral vision. You'll be a lot happier, we'll be a lot happier.

 

            -- Chuck McManis (cmcmanis@sun.com)

 

I think their experience with us may have helped their contemptuousness; the ignorance they come by naturally.

 

            -- Chuck McManis (personal communication)

 

Rules are made for people who aren't willing to make up their own.

 

            -- Chuck Yeager (1923- )

 

The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame.

 

            -- Chuq Von Rospach

 

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

 

            -- Cicero (106-43 B.C.)

 

No Sane man will dance.

 

            -- Cicero (106-43 B.C.)

 

Nothing so absurd can be said, that some philosopher has not said it.

 

            -- Cicero (106-43 B.C.)

 

The avarice of the old: it's absurd to increase one's luggage as one nears the journey's end.

 

            -- Cicero (106-43 B.C.)

 

What a time! What a civilisation!

 

            -- Cicero (106-43 B.C.)

 

There is nothing so absurd but some philosopher has said it.

 

            -- Cicero (106-43 BC)

 

What a time! What a civilization!

 

            -- Cicero (106-43 BC)

 

The countenance is the portrait of the soul, and the eyes mark its intentions.

 

            -- Cicero (B.C.E. 106-43)

 

If the truth were self-evident, eloquence would be unnecessary.

 

            -- Cicero, De Oritare

 

When the French Academy was preparing its first dictionary, it defined crab as, A small red fish which walks backwards. This definition was sent with a number of others to the naturalist Cuvier for his approval. The scientist wrote back, Your definition, gentlemen, would be perfect, only for three exceptions. The crab is not a fish, it is not red and it does not walk backwards.

 

            -- Civier

 

I don't have a warm personal enemy left. They've all died off. I miss them terribly because they helped define me.

 

            -- Clare Boothe Luce

 

No good deed goes unpunished.

 

            -- Clare Boothe Luce

 

Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont.

 

            -- Clarence Darrow (1857-1938)

 

Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?

 

            -- Clarence Darrow (1857-1938)

 

History repeats itself; that's one of the things that's wrong with history.

 

            -- Clarence Darrow (1857-1938)

 

I don't believe in god because I don't believe in Mother Goose.

 

            -- Clarence Darrow (1857-1938)

 

Justice has nothing to do with what goes on in a courtroom, Justice is what comes out of a courtroom.

 

            -- Clarence Darrow (1857-1938)

 

The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are drifting side by side to our common doom.

 

            -- Clarence Darrow (1857-1938)

 

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the last half by our children.

 

            -- Clarence Darrow (1857-1938)

 

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I'm beginning to believe it.

 

            -- Clarence Darrow (1857-1938)

 

Never believe anything until it has been officially denied.

 

            -- Claud Cockburn (1904-1981)

 

Art is I; science is we.

 

            -- Claude Bernard (1813-1878)

 

The experimenter who does not know what he is looking for will not understand what he finds.

 

            -- Claude Bernard (1813-1878)

 

The true worth of an experimenter consists in his pursuing not only what he seeks in his experiment, but also what he did not seek.

 

            -- Claude Bernard (1813-1878)

 

The investigator should have a robust faith -- and yet not believe.

 

            -- Claude Bernard (1813-1878) , French physiologist

 

The wise man doesn't give the right answers, he poses the right questions.

 

            -- Claude Levi-Strauss

 

If a man is not faithful to his own individuality, he cannot be loyal to anything.

 

            -- Claude McKay (A Long Way from Home, 1937)

 

Democracy means government by discussion, but it is only effective if you can stop people talking.

 

            -- Clement Richard Atlee (1883-1967), British prime minister (1945-1951)

 

I can't take a well-tanned person seriously.

 

            -- Cleveland Amory

 

There are three terrible ages of childhood - 1 to 10, 10 to 20, and 20 to 30.

 

            -- Cleveland Amory

 

How did Biot arrive at the partial differential equation? [the heat conduction equation] . . . Perhaps Laplace gave Biot the equation and left him to sink or swim for a few years in trying to derive it. That would have been merely an instance of the way great mathematicians since the very beginnings of mathematical research have effortlessly maintained their superiority over ordinary mortals.

 

            -- Clifford Truesdell

 

There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again.

 

            -- Clint Eastwood

 

I'm sure if somebody were pointing a gun at me and I were standing there with a six-pack, I'd say, 'Care for one?'

 

            -- Clint Eastwood, Playboy Interview - February 1974

 

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

 

            -- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live

 

Ada is PL/I trying to be Smalltalk.

 

            -- Codoso diBlini

 

Shut up and tell me what that other idiot ish doing! No, but look, if I've got to shut up, how can I -- The knife at his throat became a hot streak of pain and Rincewind decided to give logic a miss.

 

            -- Cohen the Barbarian interrogates Rincewind (Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic)

 

(Clemenceau) once said that war is too important to be left to the generals. When he said that, 50 years ago, he may have been right . . .but now, war is too important to be left to the politicians. They have neither the time, the training, nor the inclination for strategic thought . . .And I can no longer, sit around and allow Communist subversion, Communist corruption, and Communist infiltration of our precious bodily fluids.

 

            -- Col. Jack Ripper, commander of Burbleson AFB to Group Capt. Mandrake (Peter Sellers) in Dr. Strangelove

 

We are simple killers of people and destroyers of property.

 

            -- Col. Wm. Whitaker (USAF), 3/3/83

 

Last summer's meadow died. Next summer's will be the same meadow.

 

            -- Colin McEnroe

 

Once a ruler becomes religious, it [becomes] impossible for you to debate with him. Once someone rules in the name of religion, your lives become hell.

 

            -- Colonel Moammar Qaddafi, at the General People's Congress in Tripoli in October, 1989

 

I woke up this morning, and I realized that somebody had broken into my apartment, stolen all my things and replaced them with exact duplicates. I asked my roommate if he noticed anything, and he said, 'Who are you?'

 

            -- comedian Steven Wright

 

My father built a quicksand box in our back yard. I was an only child, eventually.

 

            -- comedian Steven Wright

 

My friend Bob is a radio DJ, and when he walks under a bridge, you can't hear him talk.

 

            -- comedian Steven Wright

 

The other day I . . .. No, that wasn't me.

 

            -- comedian Steven Wright

 

That's the trouble with graduate students.  Every couple of days, they fall asleep.

 

            -- Comment by a professor observing two students unconscious at their keyboards:

 

The cautious seldom err.

 

            -- Confucius

 

Real knowledge is to know the extent of ones ignorance.

 

            -- Confucius (B.C. 551-479)

 

The superior man [or woman] understands what is right; the inferior man [or woman] understands what will sell.

 

            -- Confucius (B.C. 551-479)

 

A woman's nature is, simply, other-oriented . . ..Women are ordained by their nature to spend themselves in meeting the needs of others.

 

            -- Connaught C. Marshner, The New Traditional Woman 1982

 

I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I speak the truth, and they never believe me.

 

            -- Conte Camillo Benso di Cavour (1810-1861)

 

Equal Rights were created for everyone.

 

            -- contestant in 1990 Mr. New Jersey Male pageant

 

43rd Law of Computing: Anything that can go wr fortune: Segmentation violation

 

            -- Core dumped

 

I say we take off; nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.

 

            -- Corporal Hicks, in Aliens

 

We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr Dogbody is a detective in the police farce.

 

            -- Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper

 

Worry does not empty tomorrow of sorrow - it empties today of strength.

 

            -- Corrie ten Boom

 

If crime went down 100%, it would still be 50 times higher than it should be

 

            -- Councilman John Bowman commenting on the high crime in Washington

 

This is the era of the police. If I were chief, I'd ask for as many as I could.

 

            -- Councilmember Richard Alatorre

 

This cowboy looked at me and said With a sort of a smile, ‘A sorry hand is in the way all the time, A good one just once in awhile.’

 

            -- Cowgirl poet Georgie Sicking

 

Well, I believe in the soul. The cock, the pussy, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are overindulgent, overrated crap . . . I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone! I believe that there oughta be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve, and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days. Good night.

 

            -- Crash Davis, (catcher) played by Kevin Costner to Annie Savoy, played by Susan Sarandon in the movie Bull Durham

 

The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas Instruments.

 

            -- Credits, The Creation of the Universe (A PBS scientific documentary)

 

Nothing is as Nice as Developing Fontana

 

            -- Current official slogan of city of Fontana

 

I'm pleased God made my skin black. I wish He had made it thicker

 

            -- Curt Flood

 

Can women imagine anything finer than to experience centuries and millennia with the beloved husband in a cozy home in reverent attention to the inner workings of creative motherhood?

 

            -- Curt Rosten, The ABC's of National Socialism, 1933

 

This one's got a lot more, uh, 640K that it can memorize.

 

            -- CVN cable TV shopping channel

 

You pathetic jugglers never lowered yourselves to developing the software. You should have paid a little more attention to R & D.

 

            -- Cyberpunk comics

 

The world would be a better place as one huge nudist colony. No concealed weapons!

 

            -- Cyra McFadden

 

As repressed sadists are supposed to become policemen or butchers so those with irrational fear of life become publishers.

 

            -- Cyril Connolly

 

The civilization of one epoch becomes the manure of the next.

 

            -- Cyril Connolly

 

There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbors will say.

 

            -- Cyril Connolly

 

What grape to keep its place in the sun, taught our ancestors to make wine?

 

            -- Cyril Connolly

 

The chief product of an automated society is a widespread and deepening sense of boredom.

 

            -- Cyril Parkinson

 

To undertake a project, as the word's derivation indicates, means to cast an idea out ahead of oneself so that it gains autonomy and is fulfilled not only by the efforts of its originator but, indeed, independently of him as well.

 

            -- Czeslaw Milosz

 

 . . . and thereof do I repent: I only plucked an occasional flower when I might have gathered an ample harvest of fruit -- such are the just grounds for the regrets I have  . . .

 

            -- D. A. F. Sade, Dialogue between a Priest and a Dying Man

 

Make no little plans. They have no Magic to stir Men's blood.

 

            -- D. B. Hudson

 

Io, the greek goddess of input and output.

 

            -- D. E. Knuth

 

Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.

 

            -- D. J. Hicks

 

Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural function are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the other. There is no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into the brain now and then and make neural cells do what they would not otherwise. Actually, of course, this is a working assumption only . . ..It is quite conceivable that someday the assumption will have to be rejected. But it is important also to see that we have not reached that day yet: the working assumption is a necessary one and there is no real evidence opposed to it. Our failure to solve a problem so far does not make it insoluble. One cannot logically be a determinist in physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology.

 

            -- D. O. Hebb, Organization of Behavior: A Neuropsychological Theory, 1949

 

Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

 

            -- D. P. Barron

 

One watches them on the seashore, all the people, and there is something pathetic, almost wistful in them, as if they wished their lives did not add up to this scaly nullity of possession, but as if they could not escape. It is a dragon that has devoured us all: these obscene, scaly houses, this insatiable struggle and desire to possess, to possess always and in spite of everything, this need to be an owner, lest one be owned. It is too hideous and nauseating. Owners and owned, they are like the two sides of a ghastly disease. One feels a sort of madness come over one, as if the world had become hell. But it is only superimposed: it is only a temporary disease. It can be cleaned away.

 

            -- D.H. Lawrence

 

I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob. That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood.

 

            -- Daffy Duck, Looney Tunes, _Robin Hood Daffy_

 

Consequences, Schmonsequences!  So long as I'm rich!

 

            -- Daffy Duck, Looney Tunes, “Ali Baba Bunny” (1957, Chuck Jones)

 

Politics is made up largely of irrelevancies.

 

            -- Dalton Camp

 

When a woman behaves like a man, why can't she behave like a nice man?

 

            -- Dame Edith Evans

 

Good taste is the worst vice ever invented.

 

            -- Dame Edith Sitwell (1887-1964)

 

My personal hobbies are reading, listening to music, and silence.

 

            -- Dame Edith Sitwell (1887-1964)

 

The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong -- but that's the way to bet it.

 

            -- Damon Runyon, More Than Somewhat

 

I'm a genetic mutant.

 

            -- Dan Aykroyd, Playboy Interview - May 1977

 

This will be dynamically handled, possibly correctly, in 4.1.

 

            -- Dan Davison on streams configuration in SunOS 4.0

 

Do you deny recurring rumors of topless sunbathing and wild lesbian polygamous skinhead devil-worshipping adulterous underage racist cross-dressed kitten juggling?

 

            -- Dan McGirt, Dirty Work

 

Another way to look at this is: if your computer is not capable of saturating *your* I/O bandwidth, you may be pissing away *your* wetware power. And last I checked, mine isn't increasing exponentially . . .

 

            -- Dan Mocsny (dmocsny@uceng.uc.edu)

 

Don't forget about the importance of the family. It begins with the family. We're not going to redefine the family. Everybody knows the definition of the family. [Meaningful pause] A child. [Meaningful pause] A mother. [Meaningful pause] A father. There are other arrangements of the family, but that is a family and family values. I've been very blessed with wonderful parents and a wonderful family, and I am proud of my family. Anybody turns to their family. I have a very good family. I'm very fortunate to have a very good family. I believe very strongly in the family. It's one of the things we have in our platform, is to talk about it. I suppose three important things certainly come to my mind that we want to say thank you. The first would be our family. Your family, my family -- which is composed of an immediate family of a wife and three children, a larger family with grandparents and aunts and uncles. We all have our family, whichever that may be  . . . The very beginnings of civilization, the very beginnings of this country, goes back to the family. And time and time again, I'm often reminded, especially in this Presidential campaign, of the importance of a family, and what a family means to this country. And so when you pay thanks I suppose the first thing that would come to mind would be to thank the Lord for the family.

 

            -- Dan Quayle

 

El Salvador is a democracy so it's not surprising that there are many voices to be heard here. Yet in my conversations with Salvadorans . . . I have heard a single voice.

 

            -- Dan Quayle

 

I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.

 

            -- Dan Quayle

 

I love California. I grew up in Phoenix.

 

            -- Dan Quayle

 

I not going to focus on what I have done in the past what I stand for, what I articulate to the American people. The American people will judge me on what I am saying and what I have done in the last 12 years in the Congress.

 

            -- Dan Quayle

 

I want to be Robin to Bush's Batman.

 

            -- Dan Quayle

 

I would guess that there's adequate low-income housing in this country.

 

            -- Dan Quayle

 

It's rural America. It's where I came from. We always refer to ourselves as real America. Rural America, real America, real, real, America.

 

            -- Dan Quayle

 

Japan is an important ally of ours. Japan and the United States of the Western industrialized capacity, 60 percent of the GNP, two countries. That's a statement in and of itself.

 

            -- Dan Quayle

 

Mars is essentially in the same orbit . . . somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.

 

            -- Dan Quayle

 

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

 

            -- Dan Quayle

 

Quayle stumbled in response to a question about his opinion of the Holocaust. He said it was an obscene period in our nation's history. Then, trying to clarify his remark, Quayle said he meant this century's history and added a confusing comment. We all lived in this century, I didn't live in this century, he said.

 

            -- Dan Quayle

 

Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.

 

            -- Dan Quayle

 

The real question for 1988 is whether we're going to go forward to tomorrow or past to the -- to the back!

 

            -- Dan Quayle

 

Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.

 

            -- Dan Quayle

 

We expect them [Salvadoran officials] to work toward the elimination of human rights.

 

            -- Dan Quayle

 

We should develop anti-satellite weapons because we could not have prevailed without them in 'Red Storm Rising'.

 

            -- Dan Quayle

 

We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world.

 

            -- Dan Quayle

 

Why wouldn't an enhanced deterrent, a more stable peace, a better prospect to denying the ones who enter conflict in the first place to have a reduction of offensive systems and an introduction to defensive capability. I believe that is the route this country will eventually go.

 

            -- Dan Quayle

 

Who would have predicted . . . that Dubcek, who brought the tanks in Czechoslovakia in 1968 is now being proclaimed a hero in Czechoslovakia. Unbelievable.

 

            -- Dan Quayle (Actually, Dubcek was the leader of the Prague Spring.)

 

I can identify with steelworkers. I can identify with workers that have had a difficult time.

 

            -- Dan Quayle addressing workers at an Ohio steel plant,1988

 

You have a part-time job, and that's better than no job at all.

 

            -- Dan Quayle after the manager of the Burger King had said that the jobs offered were part-time minimum wage jobs, which didn't pay enough to live on, and that It's hard to find people who want to actually show up for the job.

 

It was just a job. It wasn't any special interest in consumer affairs. I needed a paycheck and the Attorney General said that I would be best to go down there, because he knew I was anti-consumer.

 

            -- Dan Quayle and talking about his job as Chief investigator, consumer protection division of the Indiana Attorney General's office from 1970-1971

 

[I will never have] another Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy, Jimmy Carter, Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy Carter grain embargo.

 

            -- Dan Quayle during the Benson debate

 

Target prices? How that works? I know quite a bit about farm policy. I come from Indiana, which is a farm state. Deficiency payments - which are the key - that is what gets money into the farmer's hands. We got loan, uh, rates, we got target, uh, prices, uh, I have worked very closely with my senior colleague, (Indiana Sen.) Richard Lugar, making sure that the farmers of Indiana are taken care of.

 

            -- Dan Quayle on being asked to define the term target prices. Quayle's press secretary then cut short the press conference, after two minutes and 30 seconds.

 

 . . . getting [cruise missiles] more accurate so that we can have precise precision.

 

            -- Dan Quayle referring to his legislative work dealing with cruise missiles

 

Well, it looks as if the top part fell on the bottom part.

 

            -- Dan Quayle referring to the collapsed section of the 880 freeway after the San Francisco earthquake of 1989. [this may be a joke; the source is unclear. but it's still funny]

 

Lookit, I've done it their way this far and now it's my turn. I'm my own handler. Any questions? Ask me  . . . There's not going to be any more handler stories because I'm the handler  . . . I'm Doctor Spin.

 

            -- Dan Quayle responding to press reports of his aides having to, in effect, potty train him.

 

It's not to keep him from running off our property. It's to protect my putting green.

 

            -- Dan Quayle telling a guest at his house why his dog, Breezy, wears a special collar that emits a painful jolt of electricity should the dog try to run away. (reported in the NY Daily News, 6/30/92 - taken from The Quayle Quarterly, Summer/Fall 92)

 

Certainly, I know what to do, and when I am Vice President -- and I will be -- there will be contingency plans under different sets of situations and I tell you what, I'm not going to go out and hold a news conference about it. I'm going to put it in a safe and keep it there! Does that answer your question?

 

            -- Dan Quayle when asked what he would do if he assumed the Presidency,1988

 

What a terrible thing to have lost one's mind. Or not to have a mind at all. How true that is.

 

            -- Dan Quayle winning friends while speaking to the United Negro College Fund

 

People that are really weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.

 

            -- Dan Quayle, 09/88

 

Vietnam is a jungle. You had jungle warfare. Kuwait, Iraq, Saudi Arabia, you have sand. [There is no need to worry about a protracted war because] from a historical basis, Middle East conflicts do not last a long time.

 

            -- Dan Quayle, 10/2/90 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)

 

This election is about who's going to be the next President of the United States!

 

            -- Dan Quayle, 1988

 

We will invest in our people, quality education, job opportunity, family, neighborhood, and yes, a thing we call America.

 

            -- Dan Quayle, 1988

 

We'll let the sunshine in and shine on us, because today we're happy and tomorrow we'll be even happier.

 

            -- Dan Quayle, 1988

 

[The U.S. victory in Gulf war was] a stirring victory for the forces of aggression.

 

            -- Dan Quayle, 4/11/91 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)

 

My fellow astronauts

 

            -- Dan Quayle, beginning a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration

 

Cal Thomas: Are you going to stay in Washington or move back to Indiana?

 

Dan Family Values Quayle: I don't know. It depends on the kids. For 16 years I've sort of done what I wanted to do and I've got to think of them now.

 

            -- Dan Quayle, from an interview at the White House Thursday Nov 5 92

 

Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is IN the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here.

 

            -- Dan Quayle, Hawaii, September 1989

 

The US has a vital interest in that area of the country.

 

            -- Dan Quayle, referring to Latin America.

 

Make no mistake about it: Operation Desert Storm truly was a victory of good over evil, of freedom over tyranny, of peace over war.

 

            -- Dan Quayle, remarks at Arlington National Cemetery.

 

You all look like happy campers to me. Happy campers you are, happy campers you have been, and, as far as I am concerned, happy campers you will always be.

 

            -- Dan Quayle, to the American Samoans, whose capital Quayle pronounces Pogo Pogo

 

If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure.

 

            -- Dan Quayle, to the Phoenix Republican Forum, March 1990

 

Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.

 

            -- Dan Quayle, US News and World Report (10/10/88)

 

[On Mars] there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.

 

            -- Dan Quayle, VP of the United States

 

He doesn't have the greatest smarts in the world. His main interests in school were broads and booze.

 

            -- Dan Quayle's Father, 08/23/88

 

Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.

 

            -- Dan Stanford

 

Strange how the older generations can't program a VCR if their life depended on it, but they managed to operate the climate contol system of their 1958 Ramblers, which consisted of six unmarked knobs, one labeled AirFloMatic in unreadable cursive script, and four levers underneath the dash, which you had to turn, then pull.

 

            -- Dan Tasman

 

I find women with well developed flesh very attractive. The scrawny little things doing commercials on my television set are slightly repulsive -- like famine victims.

 

            -- Dana Hatch

 

You only live once, so live under as many false names as possible.

 

            -- Dana McManus

 

God is the Celebrity-Author of the World's Best-Seller. We have made God into the biggest celebrity of all, to contain our own emptiness.

 

            -- Daniel Boorstin

 

The juvenile sea squirt wanders through the sea searching for a suitable rock or hunk of coral to cling to and make its home for life. For this task, it has a rudimentary nervous system. When it finds its spot and takes root, it doesn't need its brain anymore so it eats it! (It's rather like getting tenure.)

 

            -- Daniel Dennett. From CONSCIOUSNESS EXPLAINED p. 177

 

A sign of celebrity is that his name is often worth more than his services.

 

            -- Daniel J. Boorstin

 

Life is full of concepts that are poorly defined. In fact, there are very few concepts that aren't. It's hard to think of any in non-technical fields.

 

            -- Daniel Kimberg

 

The spectacle of astrology in the White House -- the governing center of the world's greatest scientific and military power -- is so appalling that it defies understanding and provides grounds for great fright. The easiest response is to laugh it off, and to indulge in wisecracks about Civil Service ratings for horoscope makers and palm readers and whether Reagan asked Mikhail Gorbachev for his sign. A contagious good cheer is the hallmark of this presidency, even when the most dismal matters are concerned. But this time, it isn't funny. It's plain scary.

 

            -- Daniel S. Greenberg, Editor, _Science and Government Report_, writing in Newsday, May 5, 1988

 

How do you know?

 

            -- Dan'l Danehy Oakes (djo@PacBell.COM)

 

 . . .Or, I may not feel that my belief-system needs to be self-consistent in a post-Goedelian epoch.

 

            -- Dan'l Danehy-Oakes

 

Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can.

 

            -- Danny Kaye

 

Question Authority and the Authorities will question You.

 

            -- Danny Low (dlow%hpspcoi@hplabs.hp.com)

 

Through me the way into the suffering city,

Through me the way to the eternal pain,

Through me the way that runs among the lost,

Justice urged on my high artificer;

My maker was divine authority,

The highest wisdom, and the primal love,

Before me nothing but eternal things were made,

And I endure eternally.

Abandon every hope, who enter here.

 

            -- Dante Alighieri, Divina Comedia  (This is the inscription above the gates of Hell)

 

Between the ages of 16 and 60 no man is completely sane except for the 10 minutes immediately following orgasm.

 

            -- Dapper Dan Collins, 20th century utilitarian philosopher, con-man and robber of coin-boxes

 

As we anarchists say: There's no government like no government.

 

            -- D'Arcy J.M. Cain (darcy@druid)

 

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.

 

            -- Darin Weinberg

 

 . . . casual drug users should be executed for aiding the enemy in time of war.

 

            -- Darryl Gates, former LAPD Chief

 

I find you lack of faith in the forth dithturbing.

 

            -- Darse (Darth) Vader

 

This is war . . .we're exceedingly angry . . ..We want to get the message out to the cowards out there, and that's what they are, rotten little cowards - we want the message to go out that we're going to come and get them.

 

            -- Daryl Gates, Ex-LAPD chief

 

After all these investigations, that's exactly what they're going to find out: This is a great department.

 

            -- Daryl Gates, Playboy Interview - August 1991

 

And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople Get Ahead by using their MacIntosh computers to create the ultimate American business product: a really sharp-looking report.

 

            -- Dave Barry

 

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.

 

            -- Dave Barry

 

If at all possible, you should avoid being a young person or a wheat farmer when the president starts feeling international tension.

 

            -- Dave Barry

 

If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.

 

            -- Dave Barry

 

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

 

            -- Dave Barry

 

The following is not for the weak of heart or Fundamentalists.

 

            -- Dave Barry

 

We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it.

 

            -- Dave Barry

 

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

 

            -- Dave Barry

 

You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls simplified, which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last names. Here's the complete text:  (1) How much did you make? (AMOUNT) (2) How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT) (3) Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME) household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST NAME), that it pays to file the short form! The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long form.

 

            -- Dave Barry, Sweating Out

 

All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What if it rains?

 

            -- Dave Barry, Sweating Out Taxes

 

Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care? It's not his money.

 

            -- Dave Barry, Sweating Out Taxes

 

The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless. So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes . . .

 

            -- Dave Barry, Sweating Out Taxes

 

Well, you know, it sounds like they've got their own nuts on an anvil and they're hammering away at them.

 

            -- Dave Crocker

 

If you want to know what happens to you when you die, go look at some dead stuff.

 

            -- Dave Enyeart

 

As a rule software systems do not work well until they have been used, and have failed repeatedly, in real applications.

 

            -- Dave Parnas, Communications of the ACM (33, 6 June 1990 p.636)

 

Managing senior programmers is like herding cats.

 

            -- Dave Platt

 

Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in restraint.

 

            -- Dave Sim, author of Cerebrus.

 

My skin still burns in places where she touched me . . .

 

            -- David Allan Coe

 

 . . .proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect.

 

            -- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in The History of Manned Space Flight

 

Forget computers; it's hard enough getting humans to pass the Turing test.

 

            -- David Bedno

 

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets.

 

            -- David Bedno (davidbe@sco.COM)

 

It's said that 'power corrupts', but actually it's more true that power attracts the corruptible. The sane are usually attracted by other things than power. When they do act, they think of it as service, which has limits. The tyrant, though, seeks mastery, for which he is insa- tiable, implacable.

 

            -- David Brin _The Postman_

 

On Krat's main screen appeared the holo image of a man, and several dolphins. From the man's shape, Krat could tell it was a female, probably their leader.  . . .stupid creatures unworthy of the name `sophonts.' Foolish, pre-sentient upspring of errant masters. We slip away from all your armed might, laughing at your clumsiness! We slip away as we always will, you pathetic creatures. And now that we have a real head start, you'll never catch us! What better proof that the Progenitors favor not you, but us! What better proof . . . The taunt went on. Krat listened, enraged, yet at the same time savoring the artistry of it. These men are better than I'd thought. Their insults are wordy and overblown, but they have talent. They deserve honorable, slow deaths.

 

            -- David Brin, Startide Rising

 

Numerous politicians have seized absolute power and muzzled the press. Never in history has the press seized absolute power and muzzled the politicians.

 

            -- David Brinkley

 

We don't inherit the earth from our ancestors, we borrow it from our children.

 

            -- David Brower

 

When vultures watching your civilization begin dropping dead, it is time to pause and wonder.

 

            -- David Brower

 

Old wives don't dieif they're getting alimony

 

            -- David Brown

 

Better to have loved and lost a short person than never to have loved a tall.

 

            -- David Chambless

 

In the mirrorlike relationship between wine and human beings, Zinfandel owned more reflective properties than any other grape; in its infinite mutability, it was capable of expressing almost any philosophical position or psychological function. As a result, its own true nature might never be known.

 

            -- David Darlington from his novel Angels Visits: An Inquiry into the Mystery of Zinfandel

 

Fourth Law of Thermodymanics: If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is damn near zero.

 

            -- David Ellis

 

Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong.

 

            -- David Fasold

 

Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn't have in your home.

 

            -- David Frost

 

I love America. You always hurt the one you love.

 

            -- David Frye impersonating Nixon

 

Never put off until run time what you can do at compile time.

 

            -- David Gries, in Compiler Construction for Digital Computers, circa 1969.

 

If we take in our hand any volume; of divinity or school metaphysics, for instance; let us ask, Does it contain any abstract reasoning concerning quantity or number? No. Does it contain any experimental reasoning concerning matter of fact and existence? No. Commit it then to the flames: for it can contain nothing but sophistry and illusion.

 

            -- David Hume (1711-1776)

 

Truth, springs from agrument amongst friends.

 

            -- David Hume (1711-1776)

 

You have to be deviant if you're going to do anything new.

 

            -- David Lee

 

From the News: The meek shall inherit shit.

 

            -- David Lee Roth

 

A host is a host from coast to coast And no one will talk to a host that's close Unless the host (that isn't close) is busy, hung or dead.

 

            -- David Lesher (wb8foz@mthvax.cs.miami.edu)

 

An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.

 

            -- David Letterman

 

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

 

            -- David Letterman

 

Delta: A real man lands where he wants to.

 

            -- David Letterman

 

Delta: The kids will love our inflatable slides.

 

            -- David Letterman

 

Delta: We never make the same mistake three times.

 

            -- David Letterman

 

Delta: We're Amtrak with wings.

 

            -- David Letterman

 

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

 

            -- David Letterman

 

Fine art and pizza delivery, what we do falls neatly in between!

 

            -- David Letterman

 

If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with pool cues, who would win? 1) Ricky Schroder 2) Gary Coleman 3) The television viewing public

 

            -- David Letterman

 

Interesting survey in the current Journal of Abnormal Psychology: New York City has a higher percentage of people you shouldn't make any sudden moves around than any other city in the world.

 

            -- David Letterman

 

New York . . . when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.

 

            -- David Letterman

 

This isn't brain surgery; it's just television.

 

            -- David Letterman

 

Tourists -- have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, Pay? I was hitchhiking.

 

            -- David Letterman

 

Xerox sues somebody for copying?

 

            -- David Letterman

 

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.

 

            -- David Letterman, from Late Night with David Letterman, Feb. 9, 1984

 

Most of the class clowns in my high school are doing time now.

 

            -- David Letterman, Playboy Interview - October 1984

 

Life is a garment we continuously alter, but which never seems to fit.

 

            -- David McCord

 

What profits a man if he keeps his eternal soul when he could have lived life to the full and been forgiven at the end of it all anyway?

 

            -- David Merritt, a.k.a. THE RED SHARK

 

Personally, should I ever form a globe spanning comglomerate, I intend to do it fairly and without malice or dirty politics.  I hope you fellows don't make that too difficult a task; I would have to have to have you all killed.

 

            -- David Neal (abbadon@nuchat.uucp)

 

When anyone says `theoretically,' they really mean `not really.'

 

            -- David Parnas

 

The most extensive computation known has been conducted over the last billion years on a planet-wide scale: it is the evolution of life. The power of this computation is illustrated by the complexity and beauty of its crowning achievement, the human brain.

 

            -- David Rogers, Weather Prediction Using a Genetic Memory

 

Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan - a Mount Rushmore of incompetence.

 

            -- David Steinberg

 

Idealism is what precedes experience; cynicism is what follows.

 

            -- David T. Wolf

 

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.

 

            -- Dean Acheson

 

Perhaps the best thing about the future is that it only comes one day at a time.

 

            -- Dean Acheson

 

 Never try to explain your hacks to a theoretician -- he may understand them better than you do

 

            -- Dean Daniels, 3/27/83

 

A nation is a society united by delusions about its ancestry and by a common hatred of its neighbors.

 

            -- Dean Inge

 

Metric is definitely communist. One monetary system, one language, one weight and measurement system, one world - all communist! We know the West was won by the inch, foot, yard, and mile.

 

            -- Dean Krakel, Director of the National Cowboy Hall of Fame

 

It was always thus; and even if 'twere not, 'twould inevitably have been always thus.

 

            -- Dean Lattimer

 

Higher emotions are what separate us from the lower orders of life . . . Higher emotions, and table manners.

 

            -- Deanna Troi, _Imzadi_ Start Trek - The Next Generation

 

This manual contains information about DCL commands and qualifiers, system services, RTL routines, and VMS utilities and components that are now obsolete. The manual also contains an appendix of DCL commands and qualifiers, system services, RTL routines, and VMS utilities and components that have been eliminated from VMS.

 

            -- DEC Manual, order number : AA-LB25A-TE

 

Software is the heart and soul of a computer company.

 

            -- DEC President Ken Olsen

 

Nature loves a vacuum. Digital doesn't.

 

            -- DEC sales letter

 

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

 

            -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962

 

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

 

            -- definition of happiness by John F. Kennedy (1917-1963)

 

Even paranoids have real enemies.

 

            -- Delmore Schwartz

 

Social confusion has now reached a point at which the pursuit of immorality turns out to be more exhausting than compliance with the old moral codes.

 

            -- Denis de Rougemont

 

Place on one side of the scales the actual advantages of the most sublime sciences, and on the other side the advantages of the mechanical arts . . .. You will discover that far more praise has been heaped upon those men who spend their time making us believe we are happy, than on those who actually bring us happiness. How strangely we judge!

 

            -- Denis Diderot (1713 - 1784)

 

All children are essentially criminal.

 

            -- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

 

I can be expected to look for truth but not to find it.

 

            -- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)

 

I've finally learned what `upward compatible' means. It means we get to keep all our old mistakes.

 

            -- Dennie van Tassel

 

This place makes Mayberry look like a think tank.

 

            -- Dennis Miller (told to me by a CV employee)

 

I have the distinction of speaking to you from one of the few countries that still has a communist party.

 

            -- Dennis Miller, MCing the 1991 Emmies

 

Israel today announced that it is giving up. The Zionist state will dissolve in two weeks time, and its citizens will disperse to various resort communities around the world. Said Prime Minister Yitzhak Shamir, 'Who needs the aggravation?'

 

            -- Dennis Miller, Satuday Night Live News

 

The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: `Hey you stinking fat Russian, get off my Ford Escort.'

 

            -- Dennis Miller, Saturday Night Live

 

In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been spreading lately, Weekend Update would like to remind you: when you link up to another computer, you're linking up to every computer that that computer has ever linked up to.

 

            -- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update

 

A lot of people voting for Pat Buchanan say they are doing so to send a message. Apparently that message is, Hey, look at me, I'm an idiot.

 

            -- Dennis Miller, talk-show host

 

Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of Silly Putty.

 

            -- Dennis Rawlins, astronomer

 

The C committee took something that wasn't broken, and tidied it up without breaking it.

 

            -- Dennis Ritchie (dmr@alice.UUCP), about ANSI C standard X3J11

 

Standards committees are not the best ways to create a standard. Standards meetings and standards themselves are horribly political things. One thing that people forget is that many standards are made by rather small groups of people. A few good people can really save the day, and a few idiots can really make it miserable for years to come.

 

            -- Dennis Ritchie, coinventor of Unix

 

In his '90 Usenix presentation, Dennis Ritchie reminded the audience that Steve Jobs stood at the same podium a few years back and announced that X-windows was brain-dead and would soon die. He was half-right. Sometimes when you fill a vacuum, it still sucks.

 

            -- Dennis Ritchie, coinventor of Unix, from an article in Unix Today

 

From an operating system research point of view, Unix is -- if not dead -- certainly old stuff, and it's clear that people should be looking beyond it.

 

            -- Dennis Ritchie, coinventor of Unix, Usenix keynote speech from Summer 1990

 

Sudden de-compression Sucks!

 

            -- Dennis Robert Gorrie, GORRIEDE@UREGINA1.BITNET

 

Most of our future lies ahead.

 

            -- Denny Crum, Louisville basketball coach

 

I'm a man of the world, Andy. Why, I've even been to Raleigh!

 

            -- Deputy Barney Fife (Don Knotts on the Andy Griffith Show)

 

Remember, an int is not always 16 bits. I'm not sure, but if the 80386 is one step closer to Intel's slugfest with the CPU curve that is aymptotically approaching a real machine, perhaps an int has been implemented as 32 bits by some Unix vendors . . .?

 

            -- Derek Terveer

 

Instead of conceiving of society as something established for the defense of individual rights, fair contracts, and due process of law, we are invited to see it in terms of the biblical vision. This way of living, thinking, and acting where autonomy and related rights take priority has seriously jeopardized the meaning and values of all institutions in our society.

 

            -- Detroit Archbishop Adam J. Maida, in a speech to Catholic judges including Rehnquist, Scalia, Kennedy, and O'Connor

 

Quite a number of people also describe the German classical author, Shakespeare as belonging to the English literature, because - quite accidentally born at Stratford-on-Avon, he was forced by the authorities of that country to write in English.

 

            -- Deutscher Weckruf und Beobachter, 1940

 

Once they were men. Now they are land crabs.

 

            -- dialogue from 'Attack of the Crab Monsters'

 

Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.

 

            -- Dick Brandon

 

Dick Cavett: Do you consider yourself a disciplined guy? Do you get up every day and `go to work'? Jimi Hendrix: Well, yeah. I try to get up every day.

 

            -- Dick Cavett

 

It's a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn't want to hear.

 

            -- Dick Cavett

 

PS. Did you ever realize that Peter O'Toole has a double-phallic name?

 

            -- Dick Cavett quoting Groucho Marx

 

Hell hath no fury like a liberal scorned.

 

            -- Dick Gregory

 

There are two ways to improve on human factors in computing: Make the programmers less stupid and/or make the users less stupid. Both are necessary, neither are likely.

 

            -- Digital Teddy Bear (dlarson@blake.acs.washington.edu)

 

Software Engineering: How to program if you cannot.

 

            -- Dijkstra

 

If only it was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to masturbate.

 

            -- Diogenes the Cynic (412 - 323 B.C.)

 

Before you can use your Woodie . . . if there is a plastic strip coming out of it, please take hold of it and pull it out. If there is no plastic strip, press down from above to operate.

 

            -- Directions found on a toy

 

Separate together in a bunch. [And don't] stand around so much in little bundles!

 

            -- director Michael Curtiz to movie extras

 

This compact disc is made from analog masters recorded without noise reduction. Half the tracks, in fact, were recorded in a dismal, cheap basement eight-track studio with puddles of water on the floor. Digital technology will now faithfully reproduce these noisy, low-fi, un-professional masters at great expense.

 

            -- Disclaimer on a CD

 

Where imagination is sucked out of children by a cathode ray nipple T.V. is the only wet nurse that would create a cripple On television, the drug of a nation Breeding ignorance and feeding radiation.

 

            -- Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy

 

There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.

 

            -- Disraeli

 

The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.

 

            -- Dizzy Dean , after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.

 

I feared that the committee would decide to go with their previous decision unless I credibly pulled a full tantrum.

 

            -- dmr@alice.UUCP

 

What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?

 

            -- Doctor Who

 

You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap.

 

            -- Dolly Parton

 

MY KARMA JUST RAN OVER YOUR DOGMA

 

            -- Dolly Rosicrution

 

It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.

 

            -- Dolores Ibarruri

 

It is generally agreed that Hello is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said Goodbye, it could confuse a lot of people.

 

            -- Dolph Sharp

 

Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache.

 

            -- Dolph Sharp, I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot

 

When I give food to the poor, they call me a saint. When I ask why the poor have no food, they call me a communist

 

            -- Dom Helder Camara

 

Come quickly, I am tasting stars!

 

            -- Dom Perignon (1638-1715) at the moment of his discovery of champagne

 

’Hello,’ he lied.

 

            -- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent

 

When I said my prayers as a kid, I'd tell the Lord I wanted to be a pro hockey player. Unfortunately, I forgot to mention National Hockey League, so I spent sixteen years in the minors.

 

            -- Don Cherry - Boston Bruins coach

 

Californians invented the concept of life-style. This alone warrants their doom.

 

            -- Don DeLillo

 

A lot of women are getting alimony who don't earn it.

 

            -- Don Herold

 

The brighter you are, the more you have to learn.

 

            -- Don Herold

 

If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think, they'll hate you.

 

            -- Don Marquis

 

A pessimist is a person who has to listen to too many optimists.

 

            -- Don Marquis (1878-1937)

 

An idea is not responsible for the people who think it.

 

            -- Don Marquis (1878-1937)

 

An optimist is a man who has never had much experience.

 

            -- Don Marquis (1878-1937)

 

Fishing is a delusion entirely surrounded by liars in old clothes.

 

            -- Don Marquis (1878-1937)

 

Happiness is the interval between periods of unhappiness.

 

            -- Don Marquis (1878-1937)

 

Honesty is a good thing, but it is not profitable to its possessor unless it is kept under control.

 

            -- Don Marquis (1878-1937)

 

If a child shows himself to be incorrigible, he should be decently and quietly beheaded at the age of twelve, lest he grow to maturity marry, and perpetuate his kind.

 

            -- Don Marquis (1878-1937)

 

Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

 

            -- Don Marquis (1878-1937)

 

The chief obstacle to the progress of the human race is the human race.

 

            -- Don Marquis (1878-1937)

 

A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.

 

            -- Don Quinn

 

The future is much like the present, only longer.

 

            -- Don Quisenberry

 

Blessed be those happy ages that were strangers to the dreadful fury of these devilish instruments of artillery, whose inventor I am satisfied is now in hell, receiving the reward of his cursed invention, which is the cause that very often a cowardly base hand takes away the life of the bravest gentleman.

 

            -- Don Quixote

 

The process of preparing programs for a digital computer is especially attractive, not only because it can be economically and scientifically rewarding, but also because it can be an aesthetic experience much like composing poetry or music.

 

            -- Donald E. Knuth

 

Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each day as it comes.

 

            -- Donald Kaul

 

For him who fain would teach the world

The world holds hate in fee—

For Socrates, the hemlock cup;

For Christ Gethsemane.

 

            -- Donald Marquis (1878-1937), The Wages

 

The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly important thing to people.

 

            -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King

 

The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly important thing to people.

 

            -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King

 

[D]esires cannot be observed, counted, or measured; they are inferred from what people say and do. If each of us constructs a model of other minds by analogy with his own, it may be easier to imagine that some external force -- society, culture, etc. -- causes members of the opposite sex to act at variance with their truest implulses than it is to imagine that males and females have different impulses.

 

            -- Donald Symons

 

Plasticity is a double-edged sword: the more flexibile an organism is the greater the variety of maladaptive, as well as adaptive, behaviors it can develop; the more teachable it is the more fiully it can profit from the experiences of its ancestors and associates and the more it risks being exploited by its ancestors and associates; the greater its capacity for learning morality the more worthless superstitions, as well as traditions of social wisdom, it can acquire; the more cooperatively interdependent the members of a group become the greater is their collective power and the more fulsome are the opportunities for individuals to manipulate one another; the more sophisticated language becomes the more subtle are the lies, as well as the truths, that can be told.

 

            -- Donald Symons

 

Leona Helmsley is a truly evil human being.

 

            -- Donald Trump, Playboy Interview - March 1990

 

Sometimes I get bored riding down the beautiful streets of L.A. I know it sounds crazy, but I just want to go to New York and see people suffer.

 

            -- Donna Summer

 

 My sense of purpose is gone! I have no idea who I AM! Oh, my God . . . You've.. You've turned him into a DEMOCRAT!

 

            -- Doonesbury

 

If a fish is the movement of water embodied, given shape, then a cat is a diagram and pattern of subtle air

 

            -- Doris Lessing

 

Brevity is the soul of lingerie.

 

            -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

 

COMMENT

Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,

A medley of extemporanea;

And love is thing that can never go wrong;

And I am Marie of Roumania.

 

            -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

 

Ducking for apples - change one letter and it's the story of my life.

 

            -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

 

FIGHTING WORDS

Say my love is easy had,

Say I'm bitten raw with pride,

Say I am too often sad –

Still behold me at your side.

 

Say I'm neither brave nor young,

Say I woo and coddle care,

Say the devil touched my tongue –

Still you have my heart to wear.

 

But say my verses do not scan,

And I get me another man!

 

            -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

 

Here in my heart, I am Helen;

I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.

I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Sta_el;

I'm Salome, moon of the East.

Here in my soul I am Sappho;

Lady Hamilton am I, as well.

In me R'ecamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,

With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell.

I'm all of the glamorous ladies

At whose beckoning history shook

But you are a man, and see only my pan,

So I stay at home with a book.

 

            -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

 

Higgeldy piggledy, my white hen,

She lays eggs for gentlemen.

You cannot persuade her with gun or lariat

To come across for the proletariat.

 

            -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

 

I can give you a sentence with the word horticulture. You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think.

 

            -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

 

I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.

 

            -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

 

I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.

 

            -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

 

I went to a convent in New York and was fired finally for my insistence that the Immaculate Conception was spontaneous combustion.

 

            -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

 

If all these sweet young things were laid end to end, I wouldn't be the slightest bit surprises.

 

            -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

 

If I don't drive around the park,

I'm pretty sure to make my mark.

If I'm in bed each night by ten,

I may get back my looks again.

If I abstain from fun and such,

I'll probably amount to much;

But I shall stay the way I am,

Because I do not give a damn.

 

            -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

 

Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.

 

            -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

 

My own dear love, he is strong and bold

And he cares not what comes after.

His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,

And his eyes are lit with laughter.

He is jubilant as a flag unfurled –

Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.

My own dear love, he is all my world –

And I wish I'd never met him.

 

My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,

And a wild young wood-thing bore him!

The ways are fair to his roaming feet,

And the skies are sunlit for him.

As sharply sweet to my heart he seems

As the fragrance of acacia.

My own dear love, he is all my dreams –

And I wish he were in Asia.

 

My love runs by like a day in June,

And he makes no friends of sorrows.

He'll tread his galloping rigadoon

In the pathway or the morrows.

He'll live his days where the sunbeams start

Nor could storm or wind uproot him.

My own dear love, he is all my heart –

And I wish somebody'd shoot him.

 

            -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

 

Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,

A medley of extemporanea;

And love is thing that can never go wrong;

And I am Marie of Romania.

 

            -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

 

One more drink and I'll be under the host.

 

            -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

 

SANCTUARY

My land is bare of chattering folk;

the clouds are low along the ridges,

and sweet's the air with curly smoke

from all my burning bridges.

 

            -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

 

Scratch an actor - and you'll find an actress.

 

            -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

 

The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant -- and let the air out of the tires.

 

            -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

 

The ladies men admire, I've heard,

Would shudder at a wicked word.

Their candle gives a single light;

They'd rather stay at home at night.

They do not keep awake till three,

Nor read erotic poetry.

They never sanction the impure,

Nor recognize an overture.

They shrink from powders and from paints . . .

So far, I've had no complaints.

 

            -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

 

The only ism Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.

 

            -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

 

THEORY

Into love and out again,

Thus I went and thus I go.

Spare your voice, and hold your pen:

Well and bitterly I know

All the songs were ever sung,

All the words were ever said;

Could it be, when I was young,

Someone dropped me on my head?

 

            -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

 

There's little in taking or giving,

There's little in water or wine:

This living, this living, this living,

Was never a project of mine.

Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is

The gain of the one at the top,

For art is a form of catharsis,

And love is a permanent flop,

And work is the province of cattle,

And rest's for a clam in a shell,

So I'm thinking of throwing the battle –

Would you kindly direct me to hell?

 

            -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

 

They say of me, and so they should, It's doubtful if I come to good.

I see acquaintances and friends accumulating dividends,

and making enviable names in science, art, and parlor games.

But I despite expert advice, keep doing things I think are nice,

and though to good I never come inseperable my nose and thumb.

 

            -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

 

 . . .a certain gentleman who shall be nameless, being already possessed of all the other characteristics of one born out of wedlock . . .

 

            -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967) [About a bridge partner]

 

He is beyond question a writer of power; and his power lies in his ability to make sex so thoroughly, graphically, and aggressively unattractive that one is fairly shaken to ponder how little one has been missing.

 

            -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967) [From a book review]

 

Oh wait, I think I'm going to be able to use the word 'opium' in a sentence. I opium mother is feeling better. No, I guess I'm not, either.

 

            -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967) from a book review

 

The affair between Margot Asquith and Margot Asquith will live as one of the prettiest love stories in all literature.

 

            -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967) In a review of a book by Margot Asquith

 

Where does she find them?

 

            -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967) Upon hearing Clare Boothe Luce admit she was always kind to her inferiors

 

I wish I could drink like a lady

I can take one or two at the most.

Three and I'm under the table –

Four and I'm under the host!

 

            -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967), [when asked to compose a poem on the spot, after four drinks]

 

Failure? I never encoutered it. All I ever met were temporary setbacks.

 

            -- Dottie Walters

 

A child is a person who can't understand why someone would give away a perfectly good kitten.

 

            -- Doug Larson

 

A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.

 

            -- Doug Linder

 

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

 

            -- Douglas Adams

 

It is no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase 'As pretty as an Airport' appear.

 

            -- Douglas Adams

 

Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.

 

            -- Douglas Adams

 

We will rediscover a [New York City] river so extravagantly polluted that new life forms will emerge from it spontaneously, demanding welfare and voting rights.

 

            -- Douglas Adams

 

He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it.

 

            -- Douglas Adams - Life, the Universe and Everything

 

Since this Galaxy began, vast civilizations have risen and fallen, risen and fallen, risen and fallen so often that it's quite tempting to think that life in the Galaxy must be (a) something akin to seasick—space-sick, time sick, history sick or some such thing, and (b) stupid.

 

            -- Douglas Adams - Life, the Universe and Everything

 

The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.

 

            -- Douglas Adams - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

 

Life? Don't talk to me about life!

 

            -- Douglas Adams (Marvin the Paranoid Android), The Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy

 

Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B that so many people from point B are so keen to get t__h__e__r__e__. They often wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell they wanted to be.

 

            -- Douglas Adams The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

 

Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea . . .

 

            -- Douglas Adams The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

 

It is fatal to enter any war without the will to win it.

 

            -- Douglas MacArthur (1880-1964)

 

All the limitative Theorems of metamathematics and the theory of computation suggest that once the ability to represent your own structure has reached a certain critical point, that is the kiss of death: it guarantees that you can never represent yourself totally. Godel's Incompleteness Theorem, Church's Undecidability Theorem, Turing's Halting Problem, Turski's Truth Theorem-- all have the flavour of some ancient fairy tale which warns you that To seek self- knowledge is to embark on a journey which . . . will always be incomplete, cannot be charted on a map, will never halt, cannot be described.

 

            -- Douglas R. Hofstadter

 

When you're not looking at it, this sentence is in Spanish.

 

            -- Douglas R. Hofstadter, from Godel, Escher, Bach: An Eternal Golden Braid

 

Tortoise: But we must be careful in combining sentences. For instance, you'd grant that Politicians lie is true, wouldn't you? Achilles: Who could deny it? Tortoise: Good. Likewise, Cast-iron sinks is a valid utterance, isn't it? Achilles: Indubitably. Tortoise: Then, putting them together, we get Politicians lie in cast-iron sinks  . . .

 

            -- Douglas R. Hofstadter, Godel, Escher, Bach: an Eternal Golden Braid

 

I share the belief of many of my contemporaries that the spiritual crisis pervading all spheres of Western industrial society can be remedied only by a change in our world view. We shall have to shift from the materialistic, dualistic belief that people and their environment are separate, toward a new conciousness of an all-encompassing reality, which embraces the experiencing ego, a reality in which people feel their oneness with animate nature and all of creation.

 

            -- Dr. Albert Hoffman

 

Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and related hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences, entails dangers that must not be underestimated. Practitioners must take into account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability to influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being. The history of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that can ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken for a pleasure drug. Special internal and external advance preperations are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful experience.

 

            -- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD

 

I believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capability more wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjution with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder child.

 

            -- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD

 

The characteristic property of hallucinogens, to suspend the boundaries between the experiencing self and the outer world in an ecstatic, emotional experience, makes it posible with their help, and after suitable internal and external perparation . . .to evoke a mystical experience according to plan, so to speak . . . I see the true importance of LSD in the possibility of providing materail aid to meditation aimed at the mystical experience of a deeper, comprehensive reality. Such a use accords entirely with the essence and working character of LSD as a sacred drug.

 

            -- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD

 

Big nations are like chickens. They like to make big noises, but very often it is no more than squabbling.

 

            -- Dr. Albert Schweitzer, Playboy Interview - December 1963

 

Nature abhors normality.

 

            -- Dr. Blockhead, X-files

 

Largely because it is so tangible and exciting a program and as such will serve to keep alive the interest and enthusiasm of the whole spectrum of society . . .It is justified because . . .the program can give a sense of shared adventure and achievement to the society at large.

 

            -- Dr. Colin S. Pittendrigh, in The History of Manned Space Flight

 

Athens built the Acropolis. Corinth was a commercial city, interested in purely materialistic things. Today we admire Athens, visit it, preserve the old temples, yet we hardly ever set foot in Corinth.

 

            -- Dr. Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate in chemistry

 

There is nothing so deadly as not to hold up to people the opportunity to do great and wonderful things, if we wish to stimulate them in an active way.

 

            -- Dr. Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate in chemistry

 

What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent? In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded that it takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view, the simultaneous peaking of four of the many cycles of American life. First, a base of technology must exist from which to do the thing to be done. Second, a period of national uneasiness about America's place in the scheme of human activities must exist. Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses the national attention upon the direction to proceed. Finally, an articulate and wise leader must sense these first three conditions and put forth with words and action the great thing to be accomplished. The motivation of young Americans to do what needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of conditions . . .. The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John Kennedys appear. We must begin to create the tools of leadership which they, and thier young frontiersmen, will require to lead us onward and upward.

 

            -- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt, Sen., New Mexico

 

The anatomical juxtaposition of 2 orbicularis oris muscles in a state of contraction.

 

            -- Dr. Henry Gibbons

 

The difference between a rabbit and a rock is the information content, and the difference between a living and a dead rabbit is in the availability or usability of the information.

 

            -- Dr. John A. Ball

 

Conjugation of the verb firm I am firm. You are stubborn. He is pig-headed.

 

            -- Dr. K. J. Stavrinides

 

Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.

 

            -- Dr. Karl Bowman (1888-1973)

 

Human society -man in a group -rises out of its lethargy to new levels of productivity only under the stimulus of deeply inspiring and commonly appreciated goals. A lethargic world serves no cause well; a spirited world working diligently toward earnestly desired goals provides the means and the strength toward which many ends can be satisfied . . .to unparalleled social accomplishment.

 

            -- Dr. Lloyd V. Berkner, in The History of Manned Space Flight

 

Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly. I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. This is the interrelated structure of reality.

 

            -- Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

 

The idea of man leaving this earth and flying to another celestial body and landing there and stepping out and walking over that body has a fascination and a driving force that can get the country to a level of energy, ambition, and will that I do not see in any other undertaking. I think if we are honest with ourselves, we must admit that we needed that impetus extremely strongly. I sincerely believe that the space program, with its manned landing on the moon, if wisely executed, will become the spearhead for a broad front of courageous and energetic activities in all the fields of endeavour of the human mind -activities which could not be carried out except in a mental climate of ambition and confidence which such a spearhead can give.

 

            -- Dr. Martin Schwarzschild, 1962, in The History of Manned Space Flight

 

I know engineers. They love to change things.

 

            -- Dr. McCoy

 

It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very sharp, probably not someone here on campus.

 

            -- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, quoted in The Technique, Georgia Tech's newspaper, after the computer worm hit the Internet

 

In ecology, as in economics, TANSTAAFL (There Ain't No Such Thing As A Free Lunch) is intended to warn that every gain is won at some cost. Failure to recognize the no free lunch law causes the buffalo-hunter mentality syndrome -- the unthinking assumption that there will always be plenty because there alwayss has been plenty.

 

            -- Dr. Robert W. Prehoda

 

A young man called and said, Dr. Ruth, my girlfriend and I love each other very much. We want to get married. I said, Good. What's your problem? He said, My girlfriend likes to toss fried onion rings on my erect penis.

 

            -- Dr. Ruth Westheimer, Playboy Interview - January 1986

 

 . . . Adults are just obsolete children and the hell with them.

 

            -- Dr. Seuss, AKA Theodore Giesel

 

From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere.

 

            -- Dr. Seuss, AKA Theodore Giesel

 

You make 'em, I amuse 'em. [children]

 

            -- Dr. Seuss, AKA Theodore Giesel

 

We can no more blame our loss of freedom on congressmen than we can prostitution on pimps. Both simply provide broker services for their customers.

 

            -- Dr. W Williams

 

The great American formula for sex is: a kiss on the lips, a hand on the breasts and a dive for the pelvis.

 

            -- Dr. William Masters, Playboy Interview - November 1979

 

Oh dear, now I've made a terrible mess of things. And all I wanted to do was rule the universe.

 

            -- Dr. Zachary Smith

 

If we didn't have bonuses, we wouldn't have had anybody working for us.

 

            -- Drexel Burnham Lambert spokesperson, explaining why the company gave over $195 million in bonuses just before it filed for bankruptcy

 

Now I've got the bead on you with MY disintegrating gun. And when it disintegrates, it disintegrates. (pulls trigger) Well, what you do know, it disintegrated.

 

            -- Duck Dodgers in the 24th and a half century

 

Daddy, Daddy, make Santa Claus go away!

I can't, son; he's grown too powerful.

HO HO HO!

 

            -- Duck's Breath Mystery Theatre

 

We always have been, we are, and I hope that we always shall be detested in France.

 

            -- Duke of Wellington

 

All things are either sacred or profane. The former to ecclesiasts bring gain; The latter to the devil appertain.

 

            -- Dumbo Omohundro

 

BUGS Rejects any file with the string IBM in it. This is considered to be a feature by some.

 

            -- dvips Manual Page

 

This conjunction of an immense military establishment and a large arms industry is now in the American experience . . . We must not fail to comprehend its grave implications . . . We must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence . . .by the military-industrial complex. The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist.

 

            -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, from his farewell address in 1961

 

I can think of nothing more boring for the American people than to have to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour looking at my face on their television screens.

 

            -- Dwight David Eisenhower (1890-1969)

 

I hate war as only a soldier who has lived it can, only as one who has seen its brutality, its futility, its _stupidity_.

 

            -- Dwight David Eisenhower (1890-1969)

 

In preparing for battle I have always found that plans are useless, but planning is indispensable.

 

            -- Dwight David Eisenhower (1890-1969)

 

One of these days, the people are going to demand peace of the government, and the government is going to have to give it to them.

 

            -- Dwight David Eisenhower (1890-1969)

 

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.

 

            -- Dwight David Eisenhower (1890-1969)

 

Things have never been more like the way they are today in history.

 

            -- Dwight David Eisenhower (1890-1969)

 

We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.

 

            -- Dwight David Eisenhower (1890-1969)

 

Listen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find out the right thing to do. Now, it is not only necessary to do the right thing, but to do it in the right way and the only problem you have is what is the right thing to do and what is the right way to do it. That is the problem. But this economy of ours is not so simple that it obeys to the opinion of bias or the pronouncements of any particular individual, even to the President. This is an economy that is made up of 173 million people and it reflects their desires, they're ready to buy, they're to spend, it is a thing that is too complex and too big to be affected adversely or advantageously just by a few words or any particular - say a little this and that, or even a panacea so alleged.

 

            -- Dwight David Eisenhower (1890-1969) in response to the question: Has government been lacking in courage and boldness in facing up to the recession?  Verbatim transcript from a press conference.

 

Humility must always be the portion of any man who receives acclaim earned in the blood of his followers and the sacrifices of his friends.

 

            -- Dwight David Eisenhower (1890-1969), address at Guildhall, London, 7/12/45

 

Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is humanity hanging on a cross of iron.

 

            -- Dwight David Eisenhower (1890-1969), April 16, 1953

 

The world is divided into people who do things and people who get the credit

 

            -- Dwight Morrow

 

An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.

 

            -- Dylan Thomas

 

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

 

            -- e e cummings (1894-1962)

 

The only man, woman, or child who ever wrote a simple declarative sentence with seven grammatical errors is dead.

 

            -- e e cummings (1894-1962), on the death of Warren G. Harding, 1923

 

When anyone asks me how I can best describe my experience in nearly forty years at sea, I merely say, uneventful. Of course there have been winter gales, and storms and fog and the like. But in all my experience, I have never been in any accident . . . or any sort worth speaking about. I have seen but one vessel in distress in all my years at sea. I never saw a wreck and never have been wrecked nor was I ever in any predicament that threatened to end in disaster of any sort.

 

            -- E. J. Smith, 1907, Captain, RMS Titanic

 

An intelligence service is, in fact, a stupidity service.

 

            -- E.B. White (1899-1985)

 

I would feel more optimistic about a bright future for man if he spent less time proving that he can outwit Nature and more time tasting her sweetness and respecting her seniority.

 

            -- E.B. White (1899-1985)

 

Whatever else an American believes or disbelieves about himself, he is absolutely sure he has a sense of humor.

 

            -- E.B. White (1899-1985)

 

He who has never envied the vegetable has missed the human drama.

 

            -- E.M. Cioran

 

Music is the refuge of souls ulcerated by happiness.

 

            -- E.M. Cioran

 

The Art of Love: knowing how to combine the temperament of a vampire with the discretion of an anemone.

 

            -- E.M. Cioran

 

The history of ideas is the history of the grudges of solitary men.

 

            -- E.M. Cioran

 

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

 

            -- E.W. Dijkstra

 

A reasonable probability is the only certainty.

 

            -- E.W. Howe

 

Virtue is its own revenge.

 

            -- E.Y. “Yip” Harburg (1898-1981)

 

Love is a series of 'darlings' and 'dearies,'

Of 'honeys,' and 'sweeties' and sugared entreaties.

Of moonings, and swoonings, and cooings and billings

All tempered, of course, by occasional killings.

 

            -- E.Y. “Yip” Harburg, (1898-1981)

 

Someday Louisiana is going to get good government. And they ain't gunna like it.

 

            -- Earl K. Long

 

A knave; a rascal; an eater of broken meats; a base, proud, shallow, beggarly, three-suited, hundred-pound, filthy, worsted-stocking knave; a lily-livered, action-taking knave, a whoreson, glass-gazing, super-serviceable finical rogue; one-trunk-inheriting slave; one that wouldst be a bawd, in way of good service, and art nothing but the composition of a knave, beggar, coward, pandar, and the son and heir of a mongrel bitch: one whom I will beat into clamorous whining, if thou deniest the least syllable of thy addition.

 

            -- Earl of Kent, _The_Tragedy_of_King_Lear_

 

I've never cut a guy hitting that high before. But he was making the rest of us look bad with that average.

 

            -- Earl Weaver - manager Baltimore Orioles after cutting outfielder Drungo Hazewood who was hitting .583 in spring training

 

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

 

            -- Earl Wilson

 

Women's liberation will not be achieved until a woman can become paunchy and bald and still think that she's attractive to the opposite sex.

 

            -- Earl Wilson

 

We're telling the real story of what it's like living in places like Compton. We're giving [the fans] reality. We're like reporters. We give them truth. People where we come from hear so many lies that the truth sticks out like a sore thumb.

 

            -- Eazy-E, lead rapper of NWA

 

In much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow.

 

            -- Ecclesiastes 1:18

 

The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll find their money.

 

            -- Ed Bluestone

 

The magnitude of a problem can be gaged by the number of acronyms associated with its potential solutions.

 

            -- Ed Dinsmore

 

Americans detest all lies except lies spoken in public or printed lies.

 

            -- Ed Howe

 

God invented whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world.

 

            -- Ed McMahon

 

You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt.

 

            -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict

 

CALIFORNIA: From Latin 'calor', meaning heat (as in English 'calorie' or Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for sexual intercourse or fornication. Hence: Tierra de California, the land of hot sex.

 

            -- Ed Moran, Covina, California

 

The intelligent man is one who has successfully fulfilled many accomplishments, and is yet willing to learn more.

 

            -- Ed Parker

 

The intelligent man is one who has successfully fulfilled many accomplishments, and is yet willing to learn more.

 

            -- Ed Parker, Grandmaster, American Kenpo.

 

Traditionalists often study what is taught, not what there is to create.

 

            -- Ed Parker, Grandmaster, American Kenpo.

 

I have nothing against homosexuals. You should fuck whoever the fuck you feel like fucking.

 

            -- Eddie Murphy, Playboy Interview - February 1990

 

Aviation is proof, that given the will, we have the capacity to achieve the impossible.

 

            -- Eddie Rickenbacker

 

The universe is full of magical things, patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.

 

            -- Eden Phillpots

 

Children are never too tender to be whipped. Like tough beefsteaks, the more you beat them, the more tender they become.

 

            -- Edgar Allan Poe (1809-1849)

 

Life is either always a tight-rope or a featherbed. Give me a tight-rope.

 

            -- Edith Wharton

 

Now, if you play straight with me, you'll find me a considerate employer. But cross me, and you'll soon discover that under this playful, boyish, exterior beats the heart of a ruthless, sadistic maniac.

 

            -- Edmund Blackadder - Head

 

Men have no right to put the well-being of the present generation wholly out of the question. Perhaps the only moral trust with any certainty in our hands is the care of our own time.

 

            -- Edmund Burke (1729-1797)

 

Never despair; but if you do, work on in despair.

 

            -- Edmund Burke (1729-1797)

 

Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little.

 

            -- Edmund Burke (1729-1797)

 

Nothing in progression can rest on its original plan. We may as well think of rocking a grown man in the cradle of an infant.

 

            -- Edmund Burke (1729-1797)

 

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

 

            -- Edmund Burke (1729-1797)

 

When bad men combine, the good must associate; else they will fall one by one, an unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle.

 

            -- Edmund Burke (1729-1797)

 

When bad men combine, the good must associate; else they will fall one by one, an unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle.

 

            -- Edmund Burke (1729-1797)

 

Because half a dozen grasshoppers under a fern make the field ring with their importunate chink, whilst thousands of great cattle. . . chew the cud and are silent, pray do not imagine that those who make the noise are the only inhabitants of the field; that, of course, they are many in number; or that, after all, they are other than the little, shriveled, meagre, hopping, though loud and troublesome _insects_ of the hour.

 

            -- Edmund Burke (1729-1797), Reflections on the Revolution in France

 

Vexed sailors curse the rain

For which poor shepherds prayed in vain.

 

            -- Edmund Waller

 

It is not true that life is one damn thing after another- it is one damn thing over and over.

 

            -- Edna St. Vincent Millay (1892-1950)

 

Spring

To what purpose April, do you return again?

Beauty is not enough.

You can no longer quiet me with the redness

Of little leaves opening stickily.

I know what I know.

The sun is hot on my neck as I observe

The spikes of the crocus.

The smell of the earth is good.

It is apparent that there is no death.

But what does that signify?

Not only under ground are the brains of men

Eaten by maggots.

Life in itself

Is nothing,

An empty cup, a flight of uncarpeted steps.

It is not enough that yearly, down this hill

April Comes like an idiot, babbling and strewing flowers.

 

            -- Edna St. Vincent Millay (1892-1950)

 

The country has charms only for those not obliged to stay there.

 

            -- Edouard Manet

 

If the conjecture `You would rather I had not disturbed you by sending you this.' is correct, you may add it to the list of uncomfortable truths.

 

            -- Edsgar Dijkstra

 

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should therefore be regarded as a criminal offense.

 

            -- Edsgar Dijkstra

 

The effort of using machines to mimic the human mind has always struck me as rather silly. I would rather use them to mimic something better.

 

            -- Edsger Dijkstra

 

The prelude to Tristan and Isolde reminds me of the Italian painting of the martyr whose intestines are slowly being unwound from his body on a reel.

 

            -- Eduard Hanslick (1825-1904) 1868

 

One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, there ain't nothin' can beat teamwork.

 

            -- Edward Abbey

 

The only thing worse than a knee-jerk liberal is a knee-pad conservative.

 

            -- Edward Abbey (Vox Clamans in Deserto)

 

It takes a long time to understand nothing.

 

            -- Edward Dahlberg (1900-1977)

 

Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking, unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book.

 

            -- Edward Gibbon (1737-1794)

 

It's only by amusing oneself that one can learn.

 

            -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman

 

I'm not a homosexual

 

            -- Edward Koch, Playboy Interview - April 1982

 

I was much distressed by next door people who had twin babies and played the violin; but one of the twins died, and the other has eaten the fiddle - so all is peace.

 

            -- Edward Lear (1812-1888)

 

If I've done anything I'm sorry for, I'm willing to be forgiven.

 

            -- Edward N. Westcott

 

A fact is a simple statement that everyone believes. It is innocent, unless found guilty. A hypothesis is a novel suggestion that no one wants to believe. It is guilty, until found effective.

 

            -- Edward Teller

 

Life improves slowly and goes wrong fast, and only catastrophe is clearly visible.

 

            -- Edward Teller

 

Two paradoxes are better than one; they may even suggest a solution.

 

            -- Edward Teller

 

Things are not as simple as they seems at first.

 

            -- Edward Thorp

 

 . . . The subtlety of these methods implies an important source of unreliability; unreliable error recovery. Thus it is important that system testing pay meticulous attention to fault simulation to uncover weaknesses in the recovery. Data taken on electronic switching systems show that failure to recover from simplex faults is usually a significant source of total outage time . . ..

 

            -- Edwin A. Irland, Assuring Quality and Reliability of Complex Electronic Systems: Hardware and Software, Proceedings of the IEEE, January 1988

 

Pathetic, he said. That's what it is. Pathetic. (crosses stream) As I thought, he said, no better from this side.

 

            -- Eeyore

 

Would I had phrases that are not known, utterances that are strange, in new language that has not been used, free from repetition, not an utterance which has grown stale, which men of old have spoken.

 

            -- Egyptian Inscription Recorded at the Time of the Invention of Writing.

 

While I am not a fan of corporal punishment, I am not a fan of his friends Major Nuisance or General Disturbance.

 

            -- Elaine Richards

 

A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other . . .until death do them join.

 

            -- Elbert Hubbard

 

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.

 

            -- Elbert Hubbard

 

Death: To stop sinning suddenly.

 

            -- Elbert Hubbard

 

Editor: a person employed on a newspaper whose business it is to separate the wheat from the chaff, and to see that the chaff is printed.

 

            -- Elbert Hubbard

 

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

 

            -- Elbert Hubbard

 

One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man.

 

            -- Elbert Hubbard

 

The woman who cannot tell a lie in defense of her husband is unworthy of the name of wife.

 

            -- Elbert Hubbard

 

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

 

            -- Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915)

 

The cheerful loser is the winner.

 

            -- Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915)

 

An ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness.

 

            -- Elbert Hubbard (1859-1915)

 

Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think, recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people.

 

            -- Eleanor Roosevelt

 

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

 

            -- Eleanor Roosevelt

 

Spiritual leadership should remain spiritual leadership and the temporal power should not become too important in any church.

 

            -- Eleanor Roosevelt

 

Those of us who believe in the right of any human being to belong to whatever church he sees fit, and to worship God in his own way, cannot be accused of prejudice when we do not want to see public education connected with religious control of the schools, which are paid for by taxpayers' money.

 

            -- Eleanor Roosevelt

 

 . . .Veloz is indistinguishable from hundreds of other electronics businesses in the Valley, run by eager young engineers poring over memory dumps late into the night. The difference is that a bunch of self-confessed car nuts are making money doing what they love: writing code and driving fast.

 

            -- Electronics puts its foot on the gas, IEEE Spectrum, May 88

 

Eagles soar, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.

 

            -- Elf Sternberg

 

Having the critics praise you is like having the hangman say you've got a pretty neck.

 

            -- Eli Wallach

 

Most religions do not make men better, only warier.

 

            -- Elias Canetti

 

Before emphasizing what I believe, perhaps I should point out what I do not believe, or what I no longer believe: I no longer believe in the magic of the spoken word. It signifies not order but disorder. It does not eliminate chaos, it only conceals it. It no longer carries men's hopes but distorts them. It has ceased to be a vehicle, only to become an obstacle. It does not signify sharing but compromise.

 

            -- Elie Weisel, From the Kingdom of Memory

 

The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.

 

            -- Elie Wiesel

 

As long as I am an American citizen and American blood runs in these veins, I shall hold myself at liberty to speak, to write, and to publish whatever I please on any subject.

 

            -- Elija Lovejoy (1802-1837)

 

American husbands are the best in the world; no other husbands are so generous to their wives, or can be so easily divorced.

 

            -- Elinor Glyn

 

 . . .cyberpunk wants to see the mind as mechanistic & duplicable, challenging basic assumptions about the nature of individuality & self. That seems all the better reason to assume that cyberpunk art & music is essentially mindless garbagio. Willy certainly addressed this idea in Count Zero, with Katatonenkunst, the automatic box-maker and the girl's observation that the real art was the building of the machine itself, rather than its output.

 

            -- Eliot Handelman

 

The richer your friends, the more they will cost you.

 

            -- Elisabeth Marbury (1856-1933)

 

The iron gate ground its teeth to let me pass!

 

            -- Elizabeth Barrett Browning

 

Irony is the hygiene of the mind.

 

            -- Elizabeth Bibesco

 

Success is a great deodorant.

 

            -- Elizabeth Taylor

 

I think Michael is like litmus paper -he's always trying to learn.

 

            -- Elizabeth Taylor, absurd non-sequitir about Michael Jackson

 

A serious public debate about the validity of astrology? A serious believer in the White House? Two of them? Give me a break. What stifled my laughter is that the image fits. Reagan has always exhibited a fey indifference toward science. Facts, like numbers, roll off his back. And we've all come to accept it. This time it was stargazing that became a serious issue . . ..Not that long ago, it was Reagan's support of Creationism . . ..Creationists actually got equal time with evolutionists. The public was supposed to be open-minded to the claims of paleontologists and fundamentalists, as if the two were scientific colleagues . . ..It has been clear for a long time that the president is averse to science . . .In general, these attitudes fall onto friendly American turf . . ..But at the outer edges, this skepticism about science easily turns into a kind of naive acceptance of nonscience, or even nonsense. The same people who doubt experts can also believe any quackery, from the benefits of laetrile to eye of newt to the movment of planets. We lose the capacity to make rational – scientific -- judgments. It's all the same.

 

            -- Ellen Goodman, The Boston Globe Newspaper Company-Washington Post Writers Group

 

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.

 

            -- Ellen Parr

 

Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.

 

            -- Ellyn Mustard

 

You need tender loving care once a week -so that I can slap you into shape.

 

            -- Ellyn Mustard

 

‘Faith’ can be defined as ‘any man's hope that the human spirit is capable of understanding that anything actually matters in the larger universe; and that understanding anything could be important outside of our own selfish whims and desire to survive.  . . .and somehow, because it is important, understanding can go on without us, waiting only to be rediscovered by the future, or at worst, pissed away, in spite of all our prayers, and work, and suffering.  Every expression of the human spirit is an act of faith.’

 

            -- Ellyn Mustard (mustard@ficc.ferranti.comm)

 

You tweachewous miscweant!

 

            -- Elmer Fudd

 

Ye have enemies? Good, good- that means ye've stood up for  something, sometime in thy life.

 

            -- Elminster of Shadowdale

 

Women dress alike all over the world: they dress to be annoying to other women.

 

            -- Elsa Schiaparelli

 

The French are just useless. They can't organize a piss-up in a brewery.

 

            -- Elton John

 

Why don't the Japanese live in the mountains? Certainly, they could; apparently they just don't want to.

 

            -- elturner@phoenix.Princeton.EDU

 

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

 

            -- Elvis Presley (1935-1977)

 

It wasn't lies. It was just bullshit, that's all.

 

            -- Elwood Blues

 

It's got cop tires, cop shocks, cop suspension, a 440 cubic inch power plant with no catalytic converter, so it'll run good on regular gas, is it the new Blues Mobile or what?

 

            -- Elwood Blues, “The Blues Brothers”

 

Years ago my mother said to me, 'In this world, Elwood, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant.' For years I was smart. I recommend pleasant.

 

            -- Elwood P. Dowd, “Harvey”

 

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

 

            -- Emile Zola (1840-1902)

 

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

 

            -- Emile Zola (1840-1902)

 

Free love? As if love is anything but free. Man has bought brains, but all the millions in the world have failed to buy love.

 

            -- Emma Goldman, Marriage and Love (from the Anarchist Sampler)

 

Anything anybody can say about America is true.

 

            -- Emmett Grogan

 

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

 

            -- Emo Philips

 

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

 

            -- Emo Philips

 

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'

 

            -- Emo Philips

 

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

 

            -- Emo Philips

 

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

 

            -- Emo Philips

 

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky -- but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

 

            -- Emo Philips

 

I was walking down the street, something caught my eye . . . and dragged it fifteen feet.

 

            -- Emo Philips

 

I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said Give me a bladder por favor. The guy said Is that to go? I said Well what else would I want it for?

 

            -- Emo Philips

 

I'm from Downers Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortuantely the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.

 

            -- Emo Philips

 

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

 

            -- Emo Philips

 

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

 

            -- Emo Philips

 

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said 'If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference'

 

            -- Emo Philips

 

The other day a woman came up to me and said, ‘Didn't I see you on television?’ I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.

 

            -- Emo Philips

 

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers . . . damn anthropologists.

 

            -- Emo Philips

 

Women! Ya can't live with 'em and ya can't get 'em to wear skimpy little Nazi outfits.

 

            -- Emo Phillips

 

It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge.

 

            -- Enrico Fermi (1901-1954)

 

'If a person were to try stripping the disguises from actors while they play a scene upon stage, showing to the audience their real looks and the faces they were born with, would not such a one spoil the whole play ? And would not the spectators think he deserved to be driven out of the theatre with brickbats, as a drunken disturber ? . . . Now what else is the whole life of mortals but a sort of comedy, in which the various actors, disguised by various costumes and masks, walk on and play each one his part, until the manager waves them off the stage ? Moreover, this manager frequently bids the same actor to go back in a different costume, so that he who has but lately played the king in scarlet now acts the flunkey in patched clothes. Thus all things are presented by shadows.'

 

            -- Erasmus, The Praise of Folly

 

For the skeptic there remains only one consolation: if there should be such a thing as superhuman law it is administered with subhuman inefficiency.

 

            -- Eric Ambler

 

No man is a hero to his wife's psychiatrist.

 

            -- Eric Berne

 

We are born princes and the civilizing process makes us frogs.

 

            -- Eric Berne

 

Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.

 

            -- Eric Hoffer

 

When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.

 

            -- Eric Hoffer

 

Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa; yeah, right. To paraphrase, the net finds its own uses for garbage.

 

            -- Eric Hughes (hughes@math.berkeley.edu)

 

At least one way of measuring the freedom of any society is the amount of comedy that is permitted, and clearly a healthy society permits more satirical comment than a repressive, so that if comedy is to function in some way as a safety release then it must obviously deal with these taboo areas. This is part of the responsibility we accord our licensed jesters, that nothing be excused the searching light of comedy. If anything can survive the probe of humour it is clearly of value, and conversely all groups who claim immunity from laughter are claiming special privileges which should not be granted.

 

            -- Eric Idle

 

Very little is known about the War of 1812 because the Americans lost it.

 

            -- Eric Nicol

 

The triumph of libertarian anarchy is nearly (in historical terms) at hand . . . *if* we can keep the Left from selling us into slavery and the Right from blowing us up for, say, the next twenty years.

 

            -- Eric Rayman, usenet guy, about nanotechnology

 

Dealing with network executives is like being nibbled to death by ducks.

 

            -- Eric Sevareid

 

Of course the US Constitution isn't perfect; but it's a lot better than what we have now.

 

            -- Eric Sheppard (ce1zzes@prism.gatech.EDU)

 

Any impatient student of mathematics or science or engineering who is irked by having algebraic symbolism thrust upon him should try to get along without it for a week.

 

            -- Eric Temple Bell

 

And remember, rebooting your brain can be tricky.

 

            -- Eric Townsend (erict@flatline)

 

Men and women, women and men. It will never work.

 

            -- Erica Jong

 

I discovered masturbation to orgasm when I was about 13, and I was sure nobody else had ever done it.

 

            -- Erica Jong, Playboy Interview - September 1975

 

I'm a very oral person. I like licking a lot. I also like barking.

 

            -- Erica Jong, Playboy Interview - September 1975

 

My reaction to porn films is as follows: After the first ten minutes, I want to go home and screw. After the first 20 minutes, I never want to screw again as long as I live.

 

            -- Erica Jong, Playboy Interview - September 1975

 

Only a person who has faith in himself can be faithful to others.

 

            -- Erich Fromm

 

The danger of the past was that men became slaves. The danger of the future is man may become robots.

 

            -- Erich Fromm

 

All religions have in common the periodical childlike surrender to a Provider or providers who dispense earthly fortune as well as spiritual health; some demonstrations of man's smallness by means of reduced posture and humble gesture, the admission in prayer and song of misdeeds, of misthoughts, and of evil intentions; fervent appeal for inner uni- fication by divine guidance; and finally, the insight that individual trust must become part of the ritual practice of man, and must become a sign of trustworthiness in the community.

 

            -- Erik Erikson, psychologist

 

I see music as the augmentation of a split second of time.

 

            -- Erin Cleary

 

It is fast approaching the point where I don't want to elect anyone stupid enough to want the job.

 

            -- Erma Bombeck

 

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

 

            -- Erma Bombeck

 

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, I used everything you gave me.

 

            -- Erma Bombeck

 

I know a mother-in-law who sleeps with her glasses on, the better to see her son-in-law suffer in her dreams.

 

            -- Ernest Coquelin

 

Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how littly you have.

 

            -- Ernest Haskins

 

All modern American literature comes from one book by Mark Twain called Huckleberry Finn.

 

            -- Ernest Hemingway (1898-1961)

 

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

 

            -- Ernest Hemingway (1898-1961)

 

To be a successful father there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years.

 

            -- Ernest Hemingway (1898-1961)

 

I'm not going to climb into the ring with Tolstoy.

 

            -- Ernest Hemingway (1898-1961) from a letter

 

Never mistake motion for action.

 

            -- Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961)

 

I admire his confidence in talking about a subject of which he has taken the trouble to learn so little.

 

            -- Ernest Rutherford on Lord Kelvin

 

Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.

 

            -- Ernestine Ulmer

 

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

 

            -- Ernesto Che Guevara (1928-1967)

 

Man is not like other animals in the ways that are really significant: Animals have instincts, we have taxes.

 

            -- Erving Goffman

 

I don't like it and I'm sorry I ever had anything to do with it.

 

            -- Erwin Schrodinger commenting on Schrodinger's equations

 

A system of economy is good when  . . . the farmer, the manufacturer, and the trader enjoy the full liberty of their property, their production, and their industry.

 

            -- Eschasseriaux

 

There is no royal road to geometry.

 

            -- Euclid to king Ptolemy I

 

This country needs a spear chucker, and I think we've got him up on this podium.

 

            -- Eugene Dorff, mayor of Kenosha, Wisconsin, introducing presidential candidate Jesse Jackson. He said later he had intended to say straight shooter

 

Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important.

 

            -- Eugene McCarthy

 

He imagined the past and remembered the future.

 

            -- Eugene McCarthy, on Ronald Wilson Reagan

 

Science is about skepticism.

 

            -- Eugene Miya

 

I think the problem isn't the amount of knowledge we have to assimilate in our world, but the rate at which we can assimiliate it. Science, engineering, and technology do not yield the whys of truth. only the hows. In fact, they are not truths, but opinions from the current reigning theories of how we think the physical world works.

 

            -- Eugene Miya, NASA Ames Research Center, eugene@aurora.arc.nasa.gov

 

Quem deus vult perdere, prius dementat (Whom God wishes to destroy, he first drives mad).

 

            -- Euripides 480-406 BC

 

Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.

 

            -- Evan Davis

 

State run lotteries: think of them as tax breaks for the intelligent.

 

            -- Evan Leibovitch

 

All this fuss about sleeping together. For physical pleasure I'd sooner go to my dentist any day.

 

            -- Evelyn Waugh (1903-1966)

 

I do not believe the expenditure of $2.50 for a book entitles the purchaser to the personal friendship of the author.

 

            -- Evelyn Waugh (1903-1966)

 

It is a curious thing  . . . that every creed promises a paradise which will be absolutely uninhabitable for anyone of civilized taste.

 

            -- Evelyn Waugh (1903-1966)

 

Manners are especially the need of the plain. The pretty can get away with anything.

 

            -- Evelyn Waugh (1903-1966)

 

Punctuality is the virtue of the bored.

 

            -- Evelyn Waugh (1903-1966)

 

We cherish our friends not for their ability to amuse us, but for ours to amuse them.

 

            -- Evelyn Waugh (1903-1966)

 

What is youth except a man or a woman before it is ready or fit to be seen?

 

            -- Evelyn Waugh (1903-1966)

 

Of children as of procreation - the pleasure momentary, the posture ridiculous, the expense damnable.

 

            -- Evelyn Waugh (1903-1966) (I assume in reference to the similar Lord Chesterfield quote)

 

It seems to me to be a typical triumph of modern science to find the only part of Randolph that was not malignant, and remove it.

 

            -- Evelyn Waugh (1903-1966), when Randolph Churchill had a benign tumour removed from his lung

 

A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money.

 

            -- Everett Dirksen (1896-1969)

 

It's hard to recognize speech.

 

            -- Example of why it is difficult to get computer to recognize human speech. (phonetically equivilant to: It's hard to wreck a nice beach.)

 

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

 

            -- Example of why it is difficult to get computers to understand human speech

 

There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way.

 

            -- Eykis

 

 Real education must be limited to men who *insist* on knowing. The rest is mere sheep-herding.

 

            -- Ezra Pound

 

For the man who has everything . . . Penicillin.

 

            -- F. Borquin

 

Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.

 

            -- F. J. Raymond

 

If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for everything.

 

            -- F. Jeff Stiles, Southern Baptist preacher

 

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.

 

            -- F. P. Jones

 

Our best work is done when it needs to be.

 

            -- F. Phelps

 

Optimism is the content of small men in high places.

 

            -- F. Scott Fitzgerald (1896-1940)

 

Show me a hero and I will write you a tragedy.

 

            -- F. Scott Fitzgerald (1896-1940)

 

Writers aren't exactly people . . .they're a whole lot of people trying to be one person.

 

            -- F. Scott Fitzgerald (1896-1940)

 

I've brought Gatsby to life. I've accounted for his money. I've fixed up the two weak chapters (VI and VII). I've improved his first party. I've broken up his long narrative in Chapter VIII.

 

            -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, on revising his galley proofs

 

That orgy of wishful thinking that has passed for logic in the present century.

 

            -- F.W. Lawvere

 

Truth I have no trouble with, it's the facts I get all screwed up.

 

            -- Farley Mowat

 

In the South of California has gathered the larges and most miscellaneous assortment of Messiahs, Sorcerers, Saints and Seers known to the history of aberrations.

 

            -- Farnsworth Crowder

 

If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life.

 

            -- Fashion consultant Robert Pante

 

The average person thinks he isn't.

 

            -- Father Larry Lorenzoni

 

The world looks as if it has been left in the custody of trolls.

 

            -- Father Robert F. Capon

 

I've been a chief executive for something for 15 years and now that I have some time to myself, I realize working is overrated.

 

            -- Fay Vincent

 

After all, he thought he was God.

 

            -- FBI agent on why it was difficult to negotiate with David Koresh

 

A penny for your thoughts? A dollar for your death.

 

            -- Felix and Oscar, from the Odd Couple

 

To some lawyers all facts are created equal.

 

            -- Felix Frankfurter (1882-1965)

 

The main thing is the play itself. I swear that greed for money has nothing to do with it, although heaven knows I am sorely in need of money.

 

            -- Feodor Dostoyevsky

 

God made the cat in order that man might have the pleasure of caressing the lion

 

            -- Fernand Mery

 

I believe that all of us ought to retire relatively young.

 

            -- Fidel Castro, Playboy Interview - January 1967

 

An appeal is when you ask one court to show its contempt for another court.

 

            -- Finley Peter Dunne (1867-1936)

 

Don't jump on a man unless he's down.

 

            -- Finley Peter Dunne (1867-1936)

 

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

 

            -- Finley Peter Dunne (1867-1936)

 

The Puritans gave thanks for being preserved from the Indians, and we give thanks for being preserved from the Puritans.

 

            -- Finley Peter Dunne (1867-1936)

 

The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here.

 

            -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)

 

How can you be two places at once when you’re not anywhere at all?

 

            -- Firesign Theater

 

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

 

            -- Flannery O'Connor (1925-1964)

 

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

 

            -- Flannery O'Connor (1925-1964)

 

Let him who wishes for peace prepare for war.

 

            -- Flavius Vegetius Renatus, c. 390 AD

 

The Hidden stone ripens fast,

then laid bare like a turnip

but even then the danger isn't past.

That man lives best who's fain

to live half mad, half sane.

 

            -- Flemish Poet Jan Van Stijevoort, 1524.

 

I believe in a God which doesn't need heavy financing.

 

            -- Fletch

 

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

 

            -- Fletcher Knebel

 

No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for signs of improvement.

 

            -- Florida Scott-Maxwell

 

If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.

 

            -- Florynce Kennedy

 

Male heckler: Are you a lesbian? Florynce Kennedy: Are you my alternative?

 

            -- Florynce Kennedy

 

Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack full of wet mice.

 

            -- Foghorn Leghorn

 

Leibniz never married; he had considered it at the age of fifty; but the person he had in mind asked for time to reflect. This gave Leibniz time to reflect, too, and so he never married.

 

            -- Fontenelle, Bernard Le Bovier (1657-1757) Eloge de le Leibniz.

 

It's said that if you can't say something good about a dead person, don't say it. Well, I consider him dead.

 

            -- Former Chief Justice Thurgood Marshall (1908-1993), on President Bush

 

They have, and bring with them, that upper-body strength. They have apparently developed that in their childhood and growing up, and they've further advanced in that regard.

 

            -- Former LAPD Chief Daryl Gates on lesbians in the LA Police Dept.

 

The primary purpose of the Data statement is to give names to constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable Pi can be given that value with a Data statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.

 

            -- Fortran manual for Xerox Computers

 

There is nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl.

 

            -- Fortune cookie

 

A Chinese philosopher once had a dream that he was a butterfly. From that day on, he was never quite certain that he was not a butterfly, dreaming that he was a man.

 

            -- found in a .sig

 

If you are ever in an S&M relationship, make damn sure you are the S.

 

            -- Found in a .sig quoting his mother

 

This gum tastes funny.

 

            -- found written on a condom machine

 

All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.

 

            -- Fran Lebowitz

 

Being a woman is of special interest to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is simply a good excuse not to play football.

 

            -- Fran Lebowitz

 

Favorite animal: steak.

 

            -- Fran Lebowitz

 

Humility is no substitute for a good personality.

 

            -- Fran Lebowitz

 

I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not

 

            -- Fran Lebowitz

 

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

 

            -- Fran Lebowitz

 

If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something.

 

            -- Fran Lebowitz

 

If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies.

 

            -- Fran Lebowitz

 

Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.

 

            -- Fran Lebowitz

 

The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.

 

            -- Fran Lebowitz

 

Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.

 

            -- Fran Lebowitz

 

When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough.

 

            -- Fran Lebowitz

 

Now I lay me down to sheep

I pray the Lord the sheep's asleep

If, perchance, the sheep should wake

Simple friendship shall I fake.

 

            -- Frances Grimble

 

A little philosophy inclineth man's mind to atheism, But depth in philosophy bringeth men's minds about to religion.

 

            -- Francis Bacon (1561-1626)

 

Books must follow sciences, and not sciences books.

 

            -- Francis Bacon (1561-1626)

 

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.

 

            -- Francis Bacon (1561-1626)

 

There is no great concurrence between learning and wisdom

 

            -- Francis Bacon (1561-1626)

 

Whosoever is delighted in solitude is either a wild beast or a god.

 

            -- Francis Bacon (1561-1626)

 

There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.

 

            -- Francis Bacon (1561-1626), Of Beauty

 

Croesus said to Cambyses; that peace was better than war; because in peace the sons bury their fathers, but in wars the fathers bury their sons.

 

            -- Francis Bacon, _Apophthegms, New and Old_ (1625)

 

Theorists almost always become too fond of their own ideas. It is difficult to believe that one's cherished theory, which really works rather nicely in some respects, may be completely false.

 

            -- Francis Crick

 

We often forgive those who bore us, but we cannot forgive those whom we bore.

 

            -- Francois De La Rochefoucauld

 

There are very few people who are not ashamed of having been in love when they no longer love each other.

 

            -- Francois, Duc De La Rouchefoucald

 

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

 

            -- Francois-Auguste Rodin (1840-1917), when asked how he managed to make his remarkable statues

 

Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything.

 

            -- Frank Dane

 

The beginning of knowledge is the discovery of something we do not understand.

 

            -- Frank Herbert

 

Religion must remain an outlet for people who say to themselves, 'I am not the kind of person I want to be.' It must never sink into an assemblage of the self-satisfied.

 

            -- Frank Herbert, Dune

 

I will say this about being an optimist-- even when things don't turn out well, you are certain they will get better.

 

            -- Frank Hughes

 

Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity.

 

            -- Frank Leahy

 

I believe in God, only I spell it Nature.

 

            -- Frank Lloyd Wright

 

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

 

            -- Frank Lloyd Wright

 

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

 

            -- Frank Lloyd Wright

 

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

 

            -- Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

 

The truth is more important than the facts.

 

            -- Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

 

The heart is the chief feature of a functioning mind

 

            -- Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

 

The longer I live, the more beautiful life becomes

 

            -- Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

 

Television: chewing gum for the eyes.

 

            -- Frank Lloyd Wright (1869-1959)

 

A man is a fool is he drinks before he reaches the age of 50, and a fool if he doesn't afterward.

 

            -- Frank Lloyd Wright, on his before-dinner custom of a single Irish whisky with water chaser, _New York Times_, June 11, 1958

 

A politician will always tip off his true belief by stating the opposite at the beginning of the sentence. For maximum comprehension, do not start listening until the first clause is concluded. Begin instead at the word but which begins the second, or active, clause. This is the way to tell a liberal from a conservative -- before they tell you. Thus: I have always believed in a strong national defense, second to none, but  . . .  (a liberal, about to propose a $20 billion defense cut).

 

            -- Frank Mankiewicz

 

Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.

 

            -- Frank Moore Colby

 

Strategy is buying a bottle of fine wine when you take a lady out for dinner. Tactics is getting her to drink it.

 

            -- Frank Muir

 

I'm for anything that gets you through the night, be it prayer, tranquilizers or a bottle of Jack Daniel's.

 

            -- Frank Sinatra, Playboy Interview - February 1963

 

When lip service to some mysterious deity permist bestiality on Wednesday and absolution on Sunday - cash me out.

 

            -- Frank Sinatra, Playboy Interview – February 1963

 

Americans like to talk about (or be told about) Democracy but, when put to the test, usually find it to be an 'inconvenience.' We have opted instead for an authoritarian system *disguised* as a Democracy. We pay through the nose for an enormous joke-of-a-government, let it push us around, and then wonder how all those assholes got in there.

 

            -- Frank Zappa

 

Everybody in this room is wearing a uniform, so don't kid yourself . . .

 

            -- Frank Zappa

 

Help! I'm a rock!

 

            -- Frank Zappa

 

If it sounds GOOD to YOU, it's bitchen; and if it sounds BAD to YOU, it's shitty.

 

            -- Frank Zappa

 

I'm in a big dilemma about my Big-Leg Emma.

 

            -- Frank Zappa

 

I'm not black, but there's a whole lot of times I wish I could say I'm not white.

 

            -- Frank Zappa

 

In every language, the first word after Mama! that every kid learns to say is Mine! A system that doesn't allow ownership, that doesn't allow you to say Mine! when you grow up, has -- to put it mildly -- a fatal design flaw.

 

            -- Frank Zappa

 

Is that a real poncho, I mean a Mexican poncho, or is that a Sears poncho?

 

            -- Frank Zappa

 

It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side.

 

            -- Frank Zappa

 

Kill Ugly Radio

 

            -- Frank Zappa

 

Maybe you should stay with yo' mama

She could do your laundry 'n' cook for you

Maybe you should stay with yo' mama

You're really kinda stupid 'n' ugly too

You ain't really made for bein' out in the street

Ain't much hope for a fool like you

'Cause if you play the game, you will get beat

 

            -- Frank Zappa

 

Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.

 

            -- Frank Zappa

 

Remember, Information is not knowledge; Knowledge is not Wisdom; Wisdom is not truth; Truth is not beauty; Beauty is not love; Love is not music; Music is the best.

 

            -- Frank Zappa

 

Say, could I interest you in a pair of Zircon-encrusted tweezers?

 

            -- Frank Zappa

 

Some of you might not agree    

'Cause you probably likes a lot of misery          

But think a while and you will see . . .   

Broken hearts are for assholes 

Broken hearts are for assholes 

Are you an asshole?     

Well, ladies you can be an asshole too  

You might pretend you ain't got one at the bottom of you          

But don't fool yourself girl        

It's looking at you        

But don't fool yourself girl        

It's going right up you poop chute

 

            -- Frank Zappa

 

Some scientists claim that hydrogen because it is so plentiful is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen and that is the basic building block of the universe.

 

            -- Frank Zappa

 

Stupidity is the basic building block of the universe.

 

            -- Frank Zappa

 

The bigger the cushion, The better the pushin'

 

            -- Frank Zappa

 

The Book says BURN and DESTROY repent and redeem and revenge and deploy and rumble thee forth to the land of the unbelieving scum 'cause they don't go for what's in the Book and that makes 'em BAD.

 

            -- Frank Zappa

 

The computer can't tell you the emotional story. It can give you the exact mathematical design, but what's missing is the eyebrows.

 

            -- Frank Zappa

 

This is a message to all the cute people in the world. If you are cute, if you are even beautiful, listen: there are more people like us ugly motherfuckers than you, so watch out . . .

 

            -- Frank Zappa

 

Watch out where the huskies go Don't you eat the yellow snow.

 

            -- Frank Zappa

 

Who could imagine That they could freak out in Kansas Who could imagine That they could freak out in Washington D.C. Everybody's clean, it can't happen here, no, no And they thought it couldn't happen here They were so sure it couldn't happen here It can't happen here

 

            -- Frank Zappa

 

Without music to decorate it, time is just a bunch of boring production deadlines or dates by which bills must be paid

 

            -- Frank Zappa

 

Information is not knowledge. Knowledge is not wisdom. Wisdom is not truth. Truth is not beauty. Beauty is not love. Love is not music. Music is the _best!_

 

            -- Frank Zappa - Joe's Garage ( -Dec 4, 1993)

 

In the fight between you and the world, back the world.

 

            -- Frank Zappa ( -Dec 4, 1993)

 

The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.

 

            -- Frank Zappa ( -Dec 4, 1993)

 

Those things are so carefully constructed that it breaks my heart when people don't dig into them and see all the levels that I put into them.

 

            -- Frank Zappa explaining the making of America Drinks and Goes Home

 

Remember: there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over.

 

            -- Frank Zappa He's got 20 million dollars in his heavenly bank account.

 

Fuck me, you ugly son of a bitch! Stick it out! Stick out your hot curly weenie! Make it go fast! In and out! Till it squirts . . . FIRE! Don't get no jeez upon that sofa!

 

            -- Frank Zappa Lyrics to Joe's Garage

 

Why does it hurt when I pee? My balls feel like a pair of maracas! I got it from the toilet seat! It jumped right up and grabbed my meat!

 

            -- Frank Zappa Lyrics to Joe's Garage

 

They're serving burgers in the back . . . If you go for burgers, you'll love the burgers here. They have some burgers in this place, when you open your mouth you know, you hold 'em like this, and go way in the back where nobody can see you . . . Some people eat them that way . . .

 

            -- Frank Zappa You Can't Do That On Stage Anymore vol. 1

 

In every language, the first word after Mama! that every kid learns to say is Mine! A system that doesn't allow ownership, that doesn't allow you to say Mine! when you grow up, has -- to put it mildly -- a fatal design flaw.

 

            -- Frank Zappa, _The Real Frank Zappa Book_

 

Enforced recreation live on stage in London  . . . I'll do the stupid thing first and then you shy people follow . . .

 

            -- Frank Zappa, “You Can't Do That On Stage Anymore”

 

Carnegie Hall! What the fuck are we doing here?

 

            -- Frank Zappa, 1971

 

Jazz is not dead, it just smells funny.

 

            -- Frank Zappa, Bebop Tango

 

Brown shoes

Don't make it

Quit School

Why fake it

Tee Vee dinner by the pool

Watch your brother grow a beard  . . .

Be a loyal plastic robot

For a world that doesn't care

Smile at every ugly

Shine on your shoes

And cut your hair

Be a jerk, go to work, be a jerk, go to work,

Do your job and do it right

 

            -- Frank Zappa, Brown Shoes Don't Make It

 

Do you love it do you hate it There it is the way you made it

 

            -- Frank Zappa, Brown Shoes Don't Make It

 

She's leaving with your friend Disco Boy, that's the way it goes So wipe you nose And try again to get a little pussy tomorrow.

 

            -- Frank Zappa, Disco Boy

 

Let's not be too tough on our own ignorance. It's the thing that makes America great. If America weren't incomparably ignorant, how could we have tolerated the last eight years?

 

            -- Frank Zappa, Feb 1, 1989

 

I have the thing you need, I am endowed beyond your wildest Clearasil-spattered fantasies, Oh! oh! oh! Oh Oh oh oh oh oh oh ohhhhhh!

 

            -- Frank Zappa, Fillmore East '71 lyrics to Bwana Dik

 

Well, the toilet went crazy yesterday afternoon, The plumber he said, Never flush a tampoon!, This great information cost me half a week's pay, And the toilet blew up, later on the next day!

 

            -- Frank Zappa, Flakes, 1979

 

I'm a beautiful guy And you have just walked by And I have gave you the eye But you pretend to be shy I'm a beautiful guy (You know what I mean? You know what I mean?)

 

            -- Frank Zappa, I'm a beautiful guy

 

This is a song called King Kong. It’s about a giant gorilla who was living in the jungle and doing all right until some Americans found him and thought that they would take him home with them. They brought the giant ape back to the United States and used him to make money. Then, they killed him.

 

            -- Frank Zappa, Introduction to King Kong

 

another day, another sausage . . .

 

            -- Frank Zappa, Jezebel Boy

 

Call any vegetable,

Call any vegetable,

And the chances are good

That the vegetable

Will respond to you.

 

            -- Frank Zappa, Lyrics in Absolutely Free

 

Never try to get your pecker sucked in France.

 

            -- Frank Zappa, lyrics to “Down in France”

 

 . . .'cause anyone who would buy this record couldn't give a fuck if there's good musicians on it . . .. 'cause this is a STUPID song . . .  . . .AND THAT'S THE WAY I LIKE IT!

 

            -- Frank Zappa, lyrics to Little Green Rosetta in Joe's Garage

 

Take the day

And walk around

Watch the Nazis

Run your town

And then go home

And check yourself

 

            -- Frank Zappa, lyrics to Plastic People

 

And in your dreams you can see yourself As a prophet saving the world The words from your lips I just can't believe you are such A fool.

 

            -- Frank Zappa, Oh No.

 

Lord have mercy on the people in England for the terrible food these people must eat. And Lord have mercy on the fate of this movie and God bless the mind of the man in the street

 

            -- Frank Zappa, Strictly Genteel

 

Eat that pork, eat that ham, laugh till you choke on Billy Graham Moses, Aaron and Abraham, they're all a waste of time!

 

            -- Frank Zappa, The Meek Shall Inherit Nothing

 

Those Jesus Freaks Well, they're friendly but The shit they believe Has got their minds all shut

 

            -- Frank Zappa, The Meek Shall Inherit Nothing

 

Decades of indoctrination, manipulation, censorship and KGB excursions haven't altered this fact: People want a piece of their own little Something-or-Other, and, if they don't get it, have a tendency to initiate counterrevolution.

 

            -- Frank Zappa, The Real Frank Zappa Book

 

From the time Mr. Developing Nation was forced to read _The Little Red Book_ in exchange for a blob of rice, till the time he figured out that waiting in line for a loaf of pumpernickel was boring as fuck, took about three generations. . . . Decades of indoctrination, manipulation, censorship and KGB excursions haven't altered this fact: People want a piece of their own little Something-or-Other, and, if they don't get it, have a tendency to initiate counterrevolution.

 

            -- Frank Zappa, The Real Frank Zappa Book

 

If we were the Monkees, we'd be ready by now.

 

            -- Frank Zappa, while band is tuning instruments ( -Dec 4, 1993)

 

Do what you wanna, do what you will; Just don't mess up your neighbor's thrill. And when you pay the bill, kindly leave a little tip To help the next poor sucker on his one-way trip.

 

            -- Frank Zappa, You Are What You Is

 

They're serving burgers in the back . . . If you go for burgers, you'll love the burgers here. They have some burgers in this place, when you open your mouth you know, you hold'em like this, and go way in the back where nobody can see you . . . Some people eat them that way . . .

 

            -- Frank Zappa, You Can't Do That On Stage Anymore vol. 1

 

When one studies the biographies of the founders and leaders of the various religions, one cannot help but be struck by the psychotic -- or at least extremely abnormal -- behavior that has characterized so many of them. Luther, Wesley, and Loyola had hallucinations (visions). St. Theresa almost certainly was a hysteric. The book The Psychotic Personality, by Leon J. Saul and Silas L. Warner, devotes considerable space to the psychotic personalities of Mary Baker Eddy (founder of Christian Science), Joseph Smith (founder of Mormonism), Mohammed, and the Rev. Jim Jones . . . It seems significant that the founder of Christianity itself, St. Paul, also suffered from epilepsy.

 

            -- Frank Zindler, Religiosity as a Mental Disorder, American Atheist magazine, April 1988, p. 27

 

It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.

 

            -- Franklin D. Roosevelt

 

Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.

 

            -- Franklin K. Dane

 

I hate the pollyanna pest who says that all is for the best.

 

            -- Franklin P. Adams (1881-1960)

 

The best part of the fiction in many novels is the notice that the characters are purely imaginary.

 

            -- Franklin P. Adams (1881-1960)

 

There are plenty of good five-cent cigars in the country. The trouble is they cost a quarter. What this country really needs is a good five-cent nickel.

 

            -- Franklin P. Adams (1881-1960)

 

Every revolution evaporates and leaves behind only the slime of a new bureaucracy

 

            -- Franz Kafka (1883-1924)

 

I have the true feeling of myself only when I am unbearably unhappy.

 

            -- Franz Kafka (1883-1924)

 

Language exists only on the surface of our consciousness. The great human struggles are played out in silence and in the ability to express oneself.

 

            -- Franz Xavier Kroetz

 

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

 

            -- Fred Allen (1894-1956)

 

Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission.

 

            -- Fred Allen (1894-1956)

 

An income tax form is like a laundry list -- either way you lose your shirt.

 

            -- Fred Allen (1894-1956)

 

California is a great place to live if you're an orange.

 

            -- Fred Allen (1894-1956)

 

During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.

 

            -- Fred Allen (1894-1956)

 

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

 

            -- Fred Allen (1894-1956)

 

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars.

 

            -- Fred Allen (1894-1956)

 

I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

 

            -- Fred Allen (1894-1956)

 

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

 

            -- Fred Allen (1894-1956)

 

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

 

            -- Fred Allen (1894-1956)

 

If you took all the sincerity in Hollywood and put it in the navel of a fruit fly, you'd still have room for three carraway seeds and a producer's heart.

 

            -- Fred Allen (1894-1956)

 

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

 

            -- Fred Allen (1894-1956)

 

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

 

            -- Fred Allen (1894-1956)

 

Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.

 

            -- Fred Allen (1894-1956)

 

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

 

            -- Fred Allen (1894-1956)

 

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

 

            -- Fred Allen (1894-1956)

 

The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.

 

            -- Fred Allen (1894-1956)

 

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.

 

            -- Fred Allen (1894-1956)

 

Do we really deserve top billing?

 

            -- Fred Allen (1894-1956) to Henry Morgan at a meeting of the National Conference of Christians and Jews

 

The higher up you go, the more mistakes you are allowed. Right at the top, if you make enough of them, it's considered to be your style.

 

            -- Fred Astaire

 

 . . .computer hardware progress is so fast. No other technology since civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price gain in 30 years.

 

            -- Fred Brooks, Jr.

 

 . . .when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor.

 

            -- Fred Brooks, Jr.

 

A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects, those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers. Consider Unix, APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS.

 

            -- Fred Brooks, Jr.

 

Digital computers are themselves more complex than most things people build: They hyave very large numbers of states. This makes conceiving, describing, and testing them hard. Software systems have orders-of-magnitude more states than computers do.

 

            -- Fred Brooks, Jr.

 

Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.

 

            -- Fred Brooks, Jr.

 

In the pitiful, multipage, connection-boxed form to which the flowchart has today been elaborated, it has proved to be useless as a design tool -- programmers draw flowcharts after, not before, writing the programs they describe.

 

            -- Fred Brooks, Jr.

 

Software entities are more complex for their size than perhaps any other human construct because no two parts are alike. If they are, we make the two similar parts into a subroutine -- open or closed. In this respect, software systems differ profoundly from computers, buildings, or automobiles, where repeated elements abound.

 

            -- Fred Brooks, Jr.

 

The complexity of software is an essential property, not an accidental one. Hence, descriptions of a software entity that abstract away its complexity often abstract away its essence.

 

            -- Fred Brooks, Jr.

 

The so-called desktop metaphor of today's workstations is instead an airplane-seat metaphor. Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference -- one can see only a very few things at once.

 

            -- Fred Brooks, Jr.

 

Plan to throw one away. You will anyway.

 

            -- Fred Brooks, The Mythical Man Month

 

Why can't they invent something for us to marry instead of WOMEN?

 

            -- Fred Flintstone

 

There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for.

 

            -- Fred Hoyle

 

All programmers are optimists. Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers. Perhaps the hundreds of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end goal. Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger, and the young are always optimists. But however the selection process works, the result is indisputable: This time it will surely run, or I just found the last bug.

 

            -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month

 

How does a project get to be a year late?  . . . One day at a time.

 

            -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month

 

The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation.

 

            -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month

 

The tar pit of software engineering will continue to be sticky for a long time to come. One can expect the human race to continue attempting systems just within or just beyond our reach; and software systems are perhaps the most intricate and complex of man's handiworks. The management of this complex craft will demand our best use of new languages and systems, our best adaptation of proven engineering management methods, liberal doses of common sense, and  . . . humility to recognize our fallibility and limitations.

 

            -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month

 

The world's as ugly as sin, And almost as delightful

 

            -- Frederick Locker-Lampson

 

Observe that for the programmer, as for the chef, the urgency of the patron may govern the scheduled completion of the task, but it cannot govern the actual completion. An omelette, promised in two minutes, may appear to be progressing nicely. But when it has not set in two minutes, the customer has two choices -- wait or eat it raw. Software customers have had the same choices.

 

            -- Frederick P. Brooks, Jr, The Mythical Man-Month

 

The hypothesis: Amid a wash of paper, a small number of documents become the critical pivots around which every project's management revolves. These are the manager's chief personal tools.

 

            -- Frederick P. Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month

 

Probable-Possible, my black hen, She lays eggs in the Relative When. She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now Because she's unable to postulate how.

 

            -- Frederick Winsor

 

Bibo, ergo sum. - I drink, therefore I am

 

            -- Fredirect Toyou

 

After Goliath's defeat, giants ceased to command respect.

 

            -- Freeman Dyson

 

Committees do harm merely by existing.

 

            -- Freeman Dyson

 

It's better to get mugged than to live a life of fear.

 

            -- Freeman Dyson

 

He who does not bellow the truth when he knows the truth makes himself the accomplice of liars and forgers.

 

            -- French philosopher Charles Peguy

 

The great question that has never been answered and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is What does a woman want?

 

            -- Freud, Letter to Marie Bonaparte, in Ernest Jones's [1955] v.2, pt.3, ch.16;, quoted in the electronic Oxford Dict. of Quotations [1991]

 

The doer alone learneth.

 

            -- Friedrich W. Nietzsche (1844-1900)

 

I Tell You: One must still have chaos in one to give birth to a dancing star!

 

            -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

 

When you look long into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you.

 

            -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

 

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

 

            -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

 

A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.

 

            -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

 

Believe me! The secret of reaping the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment from life is to live dangerously!

 

            -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

 

Faith: not *wanting* to know what is true.

 

            -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

 

He who despises himself esteems himself as a self-despiser.

 

            -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

 

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils, because it prolongs the torments of man.

 

            -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

 

How good bad music and bad reasons sound when we march against an enemy.

 

            -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

 

I cannot believe in a God who wants to be praised all the time.

 

            -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

 

If you gaze long into an abyss the abyss will gaze back into you.

 

            -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

 

In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with reality at any point.

 

            -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

 

In heaven all the interesting people are missing.

 

            -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

 

Insanity is the exception in individuals. In groups, parties, people, and times, it is the rule.

 

            -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

 

It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself completely. . . .Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son, man.

 

            -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

 

Man is more ape than many of the apes.

 

            -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

 

Morality is the herd-instinct in the individual.

 

            -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

 

Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter.

 

            -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

 

Plato was a bore.

 

            -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

 

The Christian resolution to find the world ugly and bad has made the world ugly and bad.

 

            -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

 

The overman . . .Who has organized the chaos of his passions, givne style to his character, and become creative. Aware of life's terrors, he affirms life without resentment.

 

            -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

 

There is not enough religion in the world to destroy the world's religions.

 

            -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

 

Wer mit Ungeheuern ka mpft, mag zusehn, dass er nicht dabei zum Ungeheuer wird. Und wenn du lange in einem Abgrund blickst, blickt der Abgrund auch in dich hinein. (Translation) He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.

 

            -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

 

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

 

            -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

 

Whis is it, is man one of God's blunders or is God one of man's?

 

            -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

 

Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster.

 

            -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

 

Without music, life would be a mistake.

 

            -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

 

Woman was God's second mistake.

 

            -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

 

Only sick music makes money today.

 

            -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900) in 1888

 

Jesus died too soon. If he had lived to my age he would have repudiated his doctrine.

 

            -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900) Thus Spake Zarathustra

 

What if a demon crept after you one day or night in your loneliest solitude and said to you: `This life, as you live it now and have lived it, you will have to live again and again, times without number; and there will be nothing new in it, but every pain and every joy and every thought and sigh and all the unspeakably small and great in your life must return to you, and everything in the same series and sequence . . . The eternal hour-glass of existence will be turned again and again--and you with it, you dust of dust!'--Would you not throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse the demon who thus spoke? Or have you experienced a tremendous moment in which you answered him: `You are a god and never did I hear anything more divine!' If this thought gained power over you it would, as you are now, transform and perhaps crush you; the question in all and everything: `do you want this again and again, times without number?' would lie as the heaviest burden upon your actions.

 

            -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900), [1977], edited and translated R.J. Hollingdale, pp.249-250

 

Whoever struggles with monsters might watch that he does not thereby become a monster. And when you stare into an abyss for a long time, the abyss also stares into you.

 

            -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900), Beyond Good and Evil, 1886 IV, no 157

 

He who fights with monsters might take care, lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.

 

            -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900), Beyond Good and Evil, IV, 146

 

One should never know too precisely whom one has married.

 

            -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900), on Lohengrin

 

The madman jumped into their midst and pierced them with his eyes. Whither is God? he cried; I will tell you. WE HAVE KILLED HIM - you and I. All of us are his murderers. But how did we do this? How could we drink up the sea? Who gave us the sponge to wipe away the entire horizon? What were we doing when we unchained this earth from its sun? Whither is it moving now? Whither are we moving? Away from all suns? Are we not plunging continually? Backward, sideward, foreward, in all direction? Is there still any up or down? Are we not straying as through an infinite nothing? Do we not feel the breath of empty space? Has it not become colder? Is not night continually closing in on us? Do we not need to light candles in the morning? Do we hear nothing as yet of the noise of the gravediggers who are burying God? Do we smell nothing as yet of the divine decomposition? Gods, too, decompose. God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him.

 

            -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900), The Gay Science

 

A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard

 

            -- Frof. Steiner

 

 . . .and the possibility of developing paranoia, slight memory loss and laziness. But, it says, the lethal dose of cannabis is a 2-kilo block dropped on your head from the 25th floor of a high-rise building. In other words - cannabis can't kill you, it is not a poison like alcohol, and not addictive like cigarettes.

 

            -- from _Everything You Always Wanted to Know about Drugs, but Were Afraid to Ask Your Children_

 

State Rep. Doug Teper has introduced legislation which would require the Georgia laws against fornication, adultery, and sodomy to be posted in hotel rooms. For those who don't comprende English, Teper has called for International Symbols describing these fun activities. Get out your drafting tools, let your imagination run wild, and send us the results. We'll publish the winning entry.

 

            -- From _Southern Voice_, a local weekly:

 

Resolved, that the 67th General Convention affirm the glorious ability of God to create in any manner, whether men understand it or not, and in this affirmation reject the limited insight and rigid dogmatism of the Creationist movement . . .

 

            -- from a 1982 resolution of the Episcopal Church

 

I'm a solipsist and, I have to say, I'm surprised there aren't more of us.

 

            -- from a letter to Bertrand Russell

 

A killer stalks the halls of my high school. Innocent cheerleaders die by knife. Teachers lock the classroom doors. I must find him, or I'll flunk.

 

            -- From a poem by Peggy Nadramia

 

1. At the rise of the hand of the policeman, stop rapidly. Do not pass him or otherwise disrespect him.

2. If pedestrian obstacle your path, tootle horn melodiously. If he continue to obstacle, tootle horn vigorously and utter vocal warning such as Hi, Hi. [ . . .]

5. Beware of greasy corner where lurk skid demon. Cease step on, approach slowly, round cautiously, resume step on gradually.

 

            -- from an official Japanese guide for English-speaking drivers, 1936

 

The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26,Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days. Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that . . . The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed . . . [However] Revelations 21:8 says But the fearful, and unbelieving  . . . shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone. A lake of molten brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.

 

            -- From Applied Optics vol. 11, A14, 1972

 

No wife of *mine* is doing any dishes. That's what we had the kid for.

 

            -- from Deathlok comics #1

 

Even a poor tailor is entitled to some happiness!

 

            -- from Fiddler On The Roof

 

I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute -- where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic) how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom to vote -- where no church or church school is granted any public funds or political preference -- and where no man is denied public office merely because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or the people who might elect him.

 

            -- from John F. Kennedy's address to the Greater Houston Ministerial Association September 12, 1960.

 

A beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that balances are correct.

 

            -- from Manual of Muad'Dib by the Princess Irulan

 

Most non-Catholics know that the Catholic schools are rendering a greater service to our nation than the public schools in which subversive textbooks have been used, in which Communist-minded teachers have taught, and from whose classrooms Christ and even God Himself are barred.

 

            -- from Our Sunday Visitor, an American-Catholic newspaper, 1949

 

We trained hard, but it seemed every time we were beginning to form up into teams, we would be reorganised. I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganising, and a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while producing confusion, inefficiency and demoralisation.

 

            -- From Petronii Arbitri Satyricon AD 66., (Attributed to Gaius Petronus, a Roman General who later committed suicide)

 

It's curtains for you, Mighty Mouse! This gun is so futuristic that even *I* don't know how it works!

 

            -- from Ralph Bakshi's Mighty Mouse

 

The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far. The sciences, each straining in its own direction, have hitherto harmed us little; but some day the piecing together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality, and of our frightful position therein, that we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from the deadly light into the peace and safety of a new dark age.

 

            -- from The Call of Cthulhu by H.P. Lovecraft

 

network: anything reticulated or decussated, with interstices between the intersections

 

            -- from the Dictionary of Samuel Johnson

 

On my first acid trip, I thought I was God. On my second acid trip I thought I was Jesus. On my third trip I thought I was Napoleon and on my fourth trip I thought I was a toadstool. It's been going down that way, trip after trip, until my last acid trip when I thought I was Richard M. Nixon and I'm not going to take any more acid.

 

            -- from The Great Escape: A Source Book of Delights and Pleasures for the Mind & Body

 

The love we hold back is the only pain that follows us here. And the memory of that love shouldn't make you unhappy for the rest of your life.

 

            -- From the movie Always

 

Violent ground-acquisition games such as football are in fact a crypto-fascist metaphor for nuclear war.

 

            -- from the movie Back to School

 

You're a creature of the night, Michael. Wait'll Mom hears about this.

 

            -- from the movie The Lost Boys

 

For Is and Is-not though with Rule and Line And Up-and-down by Logic I define, Of all that one should care to fathom, I Was never deep in anything but -- Wine.

 

            -- from the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam, (Translation by Edward Fitzgerald)

 

When you stay on the tracks, ignoring the facts, you can't blame the wreck on the train.

 

            -- from the song, You Can't Blame . . .

 

Let us go forth not as defenders of the status quo, but as crusaders with a revolution idea -- that government should be the servant and not the master of the people; that its purpose is to protect, not deny, each man's freedom; that the purpose of a free press is to liberate, not enslave the human spirit.

 

            -- From the speech made by A. S. Hills upon taking office as President of the Inter-American Press Association

 

Sun is chuckling over a recent robbery in Silicon Valley: seems the thieves broke into a place and ripped off five Sun workstation, bypassing the new HP 700s and using a 705 as a door stop.

 

            -- From Unigram #405 (Oct 4, 1992)

 

program -- A set of instructions, given to the computer, describing the sequence of steps the computer performs in order to accomplish a specific task. The task must be specific, such as balancing your checkbook or editing your text. A general task, such as working for world peace, is something we can all do, but not something we can currently write programs to do.

 

            -- From Unix User's Manual Manual, Supplementary Documents, p. 14-3:

 

GRATEFUL DEAD The motif of a cycle of folk tales which begin with the hero's coming upon a group of people ill-treating or refusing to bury the corpse of a man who had died without paying his debts. He gives his last penny either to pay the man's debts or to give him a decent burial. Within a few hours he meets with a travelling companion who aids him in some impossible task, gets him a fortune, saves his life, etc. The story ends with the companion's disclosing himself as the man whose corpse the other had befriended.

 

            -- FUNK & WAGNALLS NEW PRACTICAL STANDARD DICTIONARY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE BRITANNICA WORLD LANGUAGE EDITION, VOL.1, 1955

 

Free your mind . . . and your ass will follow.

 

            -- Funkadelic

 

The cleverest of all, in my opinion, is the man who calls himself a fool at least once a month.

 

            -- Fyodor Dostevsky

 

Nothing is easier than to denounce the evildoer; nothing is more difficult than to understand him.

 

            -- Fyodor Dostoevski

 

If you were to destroy in mankind the belief in immortality, not only love but every living force maintaining the life of the world would at once be dried up. Moreover, nothing then would be immoral, everything would be permissible, even cannibalism.

 

            -- Fyodor Dostoevski, The Brothers Karamazov, Pt 1, Bk i, Ch 6

 

 . . .what's the point of  . . . new technology if you can't find some way to pervert it?

 

            -- G. A. Effinger, Marid Changes His Mind, IASFM, 1/90

 

Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.

 

            -- G. B. Shaw

 

G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: Go on writing plays, my boy. One of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his secretary, 'Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says 'No,' he will say, 'Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And that's your chance, my boy.

 

            -- G. B. Shaw

 

NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? Everything he says is wrong.

GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says will be right.

 

            -- G. B. Shaw

 

There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it

 

            -- G. B. Shaw

 

Silent gratitude isn't very much use to anyone.

 

            -- G. B. Stearn

 

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.

 

            -- G. Gordon Liddy

 

In pioneer days they used oxen for heavy pulling, and when one ox couldn't budge a log, they didn't try to grow a larger ox. We shouldn't be trying for bigger computers, but for more systems of computers.

 

            -- G. Hopper

 

Life was simple before World War II. After that, we had systems.

 

            -- G. Hopper

 

I may not practice what I preach, but God forbid that I preach what I practice.

 

            -- G. K. Chesterton

 

 . . .a science is said to be useful if its development tends to accentuate the existing inequalities in the destribution of wealth, or more directly promotes the destruction of human life.

 

            -- G.H. Hardy

 

Beauty is the first test; there is no permanent place in the world for ugly mathematics.

 

            -- G.H. Hardy, in _A Mathematician's Apology_

 

’My country, right or wrong,’ is a thing that no patriot would think of saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying, ‘My mother, drunk or sober.’

 

            -- G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

 

A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author.

 

            -- G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

 

A large section of the intelligentsia seems wholly devoid of intelligence.

 

            -- G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

 

An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is an adventure wrongly considered.

 

            -- G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

 

Anything worth doing is worth doing badly.

 

            -- G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

 

Coincidences are spiritual puns.

 

            -- G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

 

Don't ever take a fence down until you know the reason it was put up.

 

            -- G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

 

I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.

 

            -- G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

 

I owe my success to having listened respectfully to the very best advice, and then going away and doing the exact opposite.

 

            -- G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

 

I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles.

 

            -- G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

 

If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly.

 

            -- G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

 

Journalism largely consists of saying 'Lord Jones is Dead' to people who never knew that Lord Jones was alive.

 

            -- G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

 

Music with dinner is an insult both to the cook and the violinist.

 

            -- G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

 

Nowadays a citizen can hardly distinguish between a tax and a fine, except that the fine is generally much lighter.

 

            -- G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

 

Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.

 

            -- G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

 

Psychoanalysis is confession without absolution.

 

            -- G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

 

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.

 

            -- G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

 

The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and left untried.

 

            -- G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

 

The classes that wash most are those that work least.

 

            -- G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

 

The human race, to which so many of my readers belong, has been playing at children's games from the beginning, and will probably do it till the end, which is a nuisance for the few people who grow up. And one of the games which it is most attached is called, Keep tomorrow dark, and which is also named (by the rustics in Shropshire, I have no doubt) Cheat the Prophet. The players listen very carefully and respectfully to all that the clever men have to say about what is to happen in the next generation. The players then wait until all the clever men are dead, and bury them nicely. Then they go and do something else. That is all. For a race of simple tastes, however, it is great fun.

 

            -- G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

 

The only people who seem to have nothing to do with the education of the children are the parents.

 

            -- G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

 

The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.

 

            -- G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

 

The thing I hate about an argument is that it always interrupts a discussion.

 

            -- G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

 

There are no wise few. Every aristocracy that has ever existed has behaved, in all essential points, exactly like a small mob.

 

            -- G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

 

What a glorious garden of wonders the lights of Broadway would be to anyone lucky enough to be unable to read.

 

            -- G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

 

At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is quite untrue in practice. disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather than blinkers it.

 

            -- G.L. Glegg, The Design of Design

 

The *evident* character of this defective cognition of which mathematics is proud, and on which it plumes itself before philosophy, rests solely on the poverty of its purpose and the defectiveness of its stuff, and is therefore of a kind that philosophy must spurn.

 

            -- G.W.F. Hegel

 

 . . .they no longer felt like newlyweds, and even less like belated lovers. It was as if they had lept over the arduous calvary of conjugal life and gone straight to the heart of love. They were together in silence like an old married couple wary of life, beyond the pitfalls of passion, beyond the brutal mockery of hope and the phantoms of disillusion: beyond love. For they had lived together long enough to know that love was always love, anytime and anyplace, but it was more solid the closer it came to death.

 

            -- Gabriel Garcia Marquez, from Love in the Time of Cholera

 

I'm a nymphomaniac of the heart.

 

            -- Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Playboy Interview - February 1983

 

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

 

            -- Gail Godwin

 

God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of his own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players, to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.

 

            -- Gaiman and Pratchett's Good Omens

 

All bad precedents began as justifiable measures.

 

            -- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in The Conspiracy of Catiline by Sallust (c. 50 BC)

 

We trained hard - but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form into teams, we would be reorganized. I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing. And what a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while producing confusion, inefficiency and demoralization.

 

            -- GAIUS PETRONIUS ARBITER, first century:

 

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

 

            -- Galileo Galilei

 

They ought to make butt-flavored cat food.

 

            -- Gallagher

 

The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves which make us wonder at the possibility that there may be something to them which we are missing.

 

            -- Gamel Abdel Nasser

 

If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets and fire them all off, wouldn't you?

 

            -- Garrison Keillor

 

Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have got it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known.

 

            -- Garrison Keillor

 

To your left is the marina where several senior cabinet officials keep luxury yachts for weekend cruises on the Potomac. Some of these ships are up to 100 feet in length; the Presidential yacht is over 200 feet in length, and can remain submerged for up to 3 weeks.

 

            -- Garrison Keillor

 

He didn't run for reelection. `Politics brings you into contact with all the people you'd give anything to avoid,' he said. `I'm staying home.'

 

            -- Garrison Keillor, _Lake_Wobegone_Days_

 

 . . .if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust, this would be a better world.

 

            -- Garrison Keillor, Lake Wobegon Days

 

Engineering meets art in the parking lot and things explode.

 

            -- Garry Peterson, about Survival Research Labs

 

America: the only country in the world where failing to promote yourself is regarded as being arrogant.

 

            -- Garry Trudeau

 

Only the winners decide what were war crimes.

 

            -- Garry Wills

 

Catch a fly. Put it in the freezer compartment of your refrigerator for 5 to 10 minutes. This slows him down considerably, so he's easier to handle. While he's in there, make a miniature paper airplane with a wing-span about double that of the fly. Take the cool dude out of the ice-box and super glue his tiny feet onto the upper surface of the paper airplane. As he warms up and revives, he will begin doing that most natural of all fly activities: he will try to fly. If you have not made your little airplane too heavy, the fly's wing beats will be adequate for lift off. However, carrying the added weight quickly tires the fly, so in mid-air, he will stop beating his wings, and the airplane will soar downward. Seeing his plight causes the fly to once again attempt to fly, with the same result. Little bursts of energy as the plane gains altitude, alternated with slow downward glides. A thread super glued to the plane will keep your aerial circus in the same room, or you can take your new pet fly out for a walk, er, fly.

 

            -- Gary Benson (inc@fluke.tc.com)

 

Double your intelligence or no money back!

 

            -- Gary Larson

 

Off days are a part of life, I guess, whether you're a cartoonist, a neurosurgeon, or an air-traffic controller.

 

            -- Gary Larson

 

I said to my girl, 'Was it good for you too?' And she said, 'I don't think this was good for anybody.’

 

            -- Gary Shandling

 

I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.

 

            -- Gary Shandling

 

Those who worked the hardest are the last to surrender.

 

            -- Gary Ward

 

It was just dumb luck that Unix managed to break through the Stupidity Barrier and become popular in spite of its inherent elegance.

 

            -- gavin@krypton.sgi.com

 

A man has a sense of detachment from his penis. He walks around with a stranger in his pants.

 

            -- Gay Talese, Playboy Interview - May 1980

 

I'm not saying we won't get our hair mussed . . .but I am saying that we'll have no more than 15-20 million killed . . ..depending on the breaks.

 

            -- Gen. Buck Turgidson (Geroge C. Scott) to President Muffley (Peter Sellers) while trying to convince him to launch an all out nuclear sneak attack in Dr. Strangelove

 

The tide is turning . . . the enemy is suffering terrible losses

 

            -- Gen. Geo. A. Custer

 

An editor should have a pimp for a brother, so he'd have someone to look up to.

 

            -- Gene Fowler (1890-1960)

 

Writing is easy. All you do is stare at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.

 

            -- Gene Fowler (1890-1960)

 

Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind- boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it.

 

            -- Gene Spafford, 1992 found in a .sig of: tom coradeschi <+ tcora@pica.army.mil

 

Once again, we see that interesting correlation between saying Blessed Be! and being an idiot.''

 

            -- Gene W. Smith, gsmith@garnet.berkeley.edu

 

What do you take me for, an idiot?

 

            -- General Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970), when a journalist asked him if he was happy

 

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

 

            -- General Douglas MacArthur (1880-1964)

 

No poor bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making other bastards die for their country.

 

            -- General George Patton (1885-1945)

 

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

 

            -- General George Patton (1885-1945)

 

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

 

            -- General George Patton (1885-1945)

 

Give me an Army of West Point Graduates, and I'll win a battle. Give me a handful of Texas Aggies and I'll win a war.

 

            -- General George Patton (1885-1945) West Point graduate

 

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

 

            -- General George S. Patton (1885-1945)

 

If a man does his best, what else is there?

 

            -- General George S. Patton (1885-1945)

 

The time is now near at hand which must probably determine whether Americans are to be free men or slaves, whether they are to have any property they can call their own, whether their houses and farms are to be pillaged and destroyed and themselves confined to a state of wretchedness from which no human efforts will deliver them. The fate of unborn millions will now depend, under God, on the courage of this army. Our cruel and unrelenting enemy leaves us only the choice of brave resistance or the most abject submission. We have, therefore,  to resolve to conquer or die.

 

            -- General George Washington in an address to the Continental

Army

 

When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains, two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the history of war have so few been led by so many.

 

            -- General James Gavin

 

Duty then is the sublimest word in the English language. You should do your duty in all things. You can never do more, you should never wish to do less.

 

            -- General Robert E. Lee

 

And God said, behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of the earth . . . to you it shall be for meat.

 

            -- Genesis 1:29

 

After having her legs waxed, Marlene liked to watch rainwater puddle up on them.

 

            -- Geof Brooks cartoon

 

The hallucenogenic drugs such as psilocybin, Mescaline, and peyote are not rude per se. But it can be difficult to observe all the niceties of manners when you're being chased down the street by a nine-headed cactus demon.

 

            -- Geoff E. Wiggs, .sig line of geoffw@cwis.unomaha.edu

 

The trouble with my wife is that she is a whore in the kitchen and a cook in the bed.

 

            -- Geoffrey Gorer

 

He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage - he won't encounter many rivals.

 

            -- Georg Christoph Lichtenberg (1742-1799)

 

The proof that man is the noblest of all creatures is that no other creature has ever denied it.

 

            -- Georg Christoph Lichtenberg (1742-1799)

 

What a blessing it would be if we could open and shut our ears as easily as we open and shut our eyes.

 

            -- Georg Christoph Lichtenberg (1742-1799)

 

When a book and a head collide and there is a hollow sound, is it always from the book?

 

            -- Georg Christoph Lichtenberg (1742-1799)

 

The people are that part of the state that does now know what it wants.

 

            -- Georg Friedrich Wilhelm Hegel

 

We learn from history that we do not learn from history.

 

            -- Georg Friedrich Wilhelm Hegel

 

Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.

 

            -- George Ade (1866-1944)

 

A doctor's reputation is made by the number of eminent men who die under his care.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

A dramatic critic is a man who leaves no turn unstoned.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

A man ought to be able to be fond of his wife without making a fool of himself about her.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

A pessimist thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

All great truths begin as blasphemies.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

All my life, affection has been showered upon me, and every forward step I have made has been taken in spite of it.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

All professions are conspiracies against the laity.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

Americans adore me and will go on adoring me until I say something nice about them.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

Baseball has the great advantage over cricket of being sooner ended.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

Beware of the man whose God is in the skies.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

CAESAR: Pardon him, Theodotus. He is a barbarian and thinks the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

Chess is a foolish expedient for making idle people believe they are doing something very clever when they are only wasting their time.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

Democracy substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

Except during the nine months before he draws his first breath, no man manages his affairs as well as a tree does.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

Fashions are the only induced epidemics, proving that epidemics can be induced by tradesmen.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

Few people think more than two or three times a year; I have made an international reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a week.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

He who can, does. He who cannot teaches.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

He who has never hoped can never despair.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a cage is natural to a cockatoo.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

I am a gentleman: I live by robbing the poor.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

I can forgive Alfred Nobel for having invented dynamite, but only a fiend in human form could have invented the Nobel Prize.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

I make a fortune from criticizing the policy of the government, and then hand it over to the government in taxes to keep it going.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

I showed my appreciation of my native land in the usual Irish way by getting out of it as soon as I possibly could.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must Man be of learning from experience.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

If more than ten percent of the population likes a painting it should be burned, for it must be bad.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

In order to fully realize how bad a popular play can be, it is necessary to see it twice.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

It is most unwise for people in love to marry

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

It took me twenty years of studied self-restraint, aided by the natural decay of my faculties, to make myself dull enough to be accepted as a serious person by the British public.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

I've posed nude for a photographer in the manner of Rodin's Thinker, but I merely looked constipated.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

Let a short Act of Parliament be passed, placing all street musicians outside the protection of the law, so that any citizen may assail them with stones, sticks, knives, pistols, or bombs without incurring any penalties.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

Liberty means responsibility. That is why most me dread it.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

Love is a gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everybody else.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

Make money and the whole nation will conspire to call you a gentleman.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

Martyrdom is the only way in which a man can become famous without ability.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

My main reason for adopting literature as a profession was that, as the author is never seen by his clients, he need not dress respectably.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

Nobel prize money is a lifebelt thrown to a swimmer who has already reached the shore in safety.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

Nothing ever is done in this world until men are prepared to kill one another if it is not done.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

Patriotism is a pernicious, psychopathic form of idiocy.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

Reviewing has one advantage over suicide: in suicide you take it out on yourself; in reviewing you take it out on other people.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

Success covers a multitude of blunders.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

The 100% American is 99% an idiot.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

The chief objection of playing wind instruments is that it prolongs the life of the player.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

The fickleness of the women I love is only equalled by the infernal constancy of the women who love me.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

The fickleness of the women whom I love is only equalled by the infernal constancy of the women who love me.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

The Golden Rule is that there are no Golden Rules.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

The liar's punishment  . . . is that he cannot believe anyone else.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

The love of money is the root of all virtue.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

The more things a man is ashamed of, the more respectable he is.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable man persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

The seven deadly sins  . . . Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the milestones are lifted.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

The world is populated in the main by people who should not exist.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

The worst sin toward our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them: that's the essence of inhumanity.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

There are scores of thousands of human insects who are ready at a moment's notice to reveal the will of God on every possible subject.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

There are two tragedies in life. One is not to get your heart's desire. The other is to get it.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

There is no sincerer love than the love of food. ;

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

This is the true joy in life, being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one. Being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as I live it is my privilege - my *privilege* to do for it whatever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work the more I love. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no brief candle to me; it is a sort of splendid torch which I've got a hold of for the moment and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

Virtue is insufficient temptation.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

We have not lost faith, but we have transferred it from God to the medical profession.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

We learn from history that we learn nothing from history.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

We should all be obliged to appear before a board every five years and justify our existence . . .on pain of liquidation.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

We should have had socialism already, but for the socialists.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

What God hath joined together no man shall put asunder: God will take care of that.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

What is the matter with the poor is poverty; what is the matter with the rich is uselessness.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

What is virtue but the trades unionism of the married.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

When a man wants to murder a tiger he calls it sport; when a tiger wants to murder him he calls it ferocity.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that exalted, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

 

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) (in a letter to H.G. Wells)

 

Pardon him, Theodotus: he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), Ceasar and Cleopatra

 

When a man wants to murder a tiger he calls it sport; when the tiger wants to murder him he calls it ferocity.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), Maxims for Revolutionists (1903)

 

People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), Mrs. Warren's Profession

 

You can lose a man like that by your own death, but not by his.

 

            -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), said of William Morris

 

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

 

            -- George Burns

 

I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old. When I was 65 I had cupid's eczema. I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

 

            -- George Burns

 

Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.

 

            -- George Burns

 

[Leslie Stahl was] a pussy compared to Rather.

 

            -- George Bush

 

It's a weird year.

 

            -- George Bush

 

A recent poll tells why the people of New Hampshire are supporting George Bush. Forty percent like my foreign policy. Forty percent support my economic policy. And 20 percent believe I make a good premium beer.

 

            -- George Bush campaigning in NH in 1988

 

I don't know that atheists should be considered citizens, nor should they be considered patriots. This is one nation under God.

 

            -- George Bush in Free Inquiry magazine, Fall 1988

 

No, I don't know that atheists should be considered as citizens, nor should they be considered patriots. This is one nation under God.

 

            -- George Bush to Robert Sherman of American Atheist Press at the Chicago airport while announcing federal disaster relief for Illinois

 

Obviously no country can claim a special place in God's heart, yet we are better as a people because He has a special place in ours . . .I want to thank you for helping America, as Christ ordained, to be a light unto the world . . .

 

            -- George Bush, commending the National Religious Broadcasters for their support in the war to drive Iraq from Kuwait

 

You have to. I don't believe that an atheist could be President of the United States - anybody that did not have something bigger than himself or herself. And faith is the answer, and I've said this to friends. To some degree religion for me has been a private thing. But I can tell you that when the going is tough, and even when it's not -- in our family we say our prayers. We say our prayers at meals and we say our prayers when we go to bed. Barbara and I do. but it's something that the more I'm there, the more I understood what Lincoln meant.

 

            -- George Bush, in a August 27, 1992 700 Club interview, in answer to Abraham Lincoln said he couldn't handle the job except on his knees. Have you found recourse to God in prayer often in your presidency?

 

I've told you I don't live and die by the polls. Thus, I will refrain from pointing out that we're not doing too bad in those polls.

 

            -- George Bush, in the New Republic

 

Nobody said it was going to be easy, and nobody was right.

 

            -- George Bush, quoted in Asiaweek magazine

 

I believe with all my heart that one cannot be America's president without a belief in God, without the strength that your faith gives you.

 

            -- George Bush, to convention of National Religious Broadcasters

 

Get this (economic plan) passed. Later on, we can all debate it.

 

            -- George Bush, to New Hampshire legislators

 

Frisbeetarianism, n.: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck..

 

            -- George Carlin

 

I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes.

 

            -- George Carlin

 

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

 

            -- George Carlin

 

My father? My father left when I was quite young. Well actually, he was asked to leave. He had trouble metabolizing alcohol.

 

            -- George Carlin

 

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.

 

            -- George Carlin's version of an old patriotic classic:

 

First learn computer science and all the theory. Next develop a programming style. Then forget all that and just hack.

 

            -- George Carrette [1990]

 

Ignorance is the mother of admiration.

 

            -- George Chapman (1599?-1634)

 

 . . . And may God bless Chocolate City and its vanilla suburbs.

 

            -- George Clinton in Parliament's Chocolate City

 

Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.

 

            -- George Eliot (1819-1880)

 

Men can do nothing without the make-believe of a beginning. Even Science, the strict measurer, is obliged to start with a make-believe unit, and must fix on a point in the stars' unceasing journey when his sidereal clock shall pretend that time is Nought. His less accurate grandmother Poetry has always been understood to start in the middle; but on reflection it appears that her proceeding is not very different from his; since Science, too, reckons backward as well as forward, divides his unit into billions, and with his clock-finger at Nought really sets off _in medias res_. No retrospect will take us to the true beginning; and whether our prologue be in heaven or on earth, it is but a fraction of that all-presupposing fact with which our story sets out.

 

            -- George Eliot (1819-1880), from _Daniel Deronda_

 

We are given children to test us and make us more spiritual.

 

            -- George F. Will

 

The Berlin Wall is the defining achievement of socialism.

 

            -- George F. Will

 

Today there may be more Marxists on the Harvard faculty than in Eastern Europe.

 

            -- George F. Will

 

The reported resort to astrology in the White House has occasioned much merriment. It is not funny. Astrological gibberish, which means astrology generally, has no place in a newspaper, let alone government. Unlike comics, which are part of a newspaper's harmless pleasure and make no truth claims, astrology is a fraud. The idea that it gets a hearing in government is dismaying.

 

            -- George F. Will

 

 . . .in the lexicon of the political class, the word sacrifice means that the citizens are supposed to mail even more of their income to Washington so that the political class will not have to sacrifice the pleasure of spending it.

 

            -- George F. Will - Newsweek, 2/22/93

 

I could prove God statistically.

 

            -- George Gallup

 

Most of the dogmatic religions have exhibited a perverse talent for taking the wrong side on the most important concepts in the material universe, from the structure of the solar system to the origin of man.

 

            -- George Gaylord Simpson

 

I have never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.

 

            -- George Gobel

 

Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure; Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure.

 

            -- George Gordon, Lord Byron (1788-1824)

 

What men call gallantry and gods adultery

Is much more common where the climate's sultry.

 

            -- George Gordon, Lord Byron (1788-1824)

 

With just enough of learning to misquote.

 

            -- George Gordon, Lord Byron (1788-1824)

 

I hate to hunt down a tired metaphore.

 

            -- George Gordon, Lord Byron (1788-1824) Don Juan

 

Every opportunity we have to run our R&D scientists and engineers against our customers, we do it.

 

            -- George Heilmeier, Texas Instruments Inc., Dallas

 

 . . .there can be no public or private virtue unless the foundation of action is the practice of truth.

 

            -- George Jacob Holyoake

 

Be satisfied with life always, but never with oneself.

 

            -- George Jean Nathan

 

I drink to make other people interesting.

 

            -- George Jean Nathan

 

I only drink to make other people seem interesting.

 

            -- George Jean Nathan

 

Marriage is based on the theory that when man discovers a brand of beer exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go work in the brewery.

 

            -- George Jean Nathan (1882-1958)

 

I must admit, it would be nice if I had a few more exciting personal qualities than I do.

 

            -- George McGovern, Playboy Interview - August 1971

 

The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again.

 

            -- George Miller

 

If there were no husbands, who would look after our mistresses?

 

            -- George Moore

 

Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.

 

            -- George Orwell (1903-1950)

 

Liberal: a power worshipper without power.

 

            -- George Orwell (1903-1950)

 

On the whole human beings want to be good, but not too good and not quite all the time.

 

            -- George Orwell (1903-1950)

 

Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent.

 

            -- George Orwell (1903-1950)

 

If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on the human face-- forever . . . And remember that it is forever.

 

            -- George Orwell (1903-1950) – 1984

 

Political language - and with variations this is true of all political parties, from Conservatives to Anarchists - is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind.

 

            -- George Orwell (1903-1950) Politics and the English Language, 1946

 

If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on the

human face -- forever.  And remember that it is forever.

 

            -- George Orwell (1903-1950), 1984

 

At 50, every man has the face he deserves.

 

            -- George Orwell (1903-1950), From his notebooks, published in Collected Essays.

 

All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others.

 

            -- George Orwell, Animal Farm

 

In order to solve this differential equation you look at it until a solution occurs to you.

 

            -- George Polya

 

Mathematical concepts and facts gain in vividness and clarity if they are well connected with the world around us and with general ideas, and if we obtain them by our own work through successive stages instead of in one lump.

 

            -- George Polya

 

I want to gain 1,500 or 2,000 yards, whichever comes first.

 

            -- George Rogers, Saints running back

 

Fanaticism consists of redoubling your efforts when you have forgotten your aim.

 

            -- George Santayana (1863-1952)

 

Advertising is the modern substitute for argument; its function is to make the worse appear the better.

 

            -- George Santayana (1863-1952)

 

America is the greatest of opportunities and the worst of influences.

 

            -- George Santayana (1863-1952)

 

It is a great advantage for a system of philosophy to be substantially true.

 

            -- George Santayana (1863-1952)

 

It takes a wonderful brain and exquisite senses to produce a few stupid ideas.

 

            -- George Santayana (1863-1952)

 

Music is essentially useless, as life is.

 

            -- George Santayana (1863-1952)

 

Progress, far from consisting in change, depends on retentiveness. . . . those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.

 

            -- George Santayana (1863-1952)

 

Sanity is a madness put to good uses.

 

            -- George Santayana (1863-1952)

 

The last years of life are the best, if you are a philosopher.

 

            -- George Santayana (1863-1952)

 

The need of exercise is a modern superstition, invented by people who ate too much and had nothing to think about.

 

            -- George Santayana (1863-1952)

 

There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval.

 

            -- George Santayana (1863-1952)

 

Why shouldn't things be largely absurd, futile, and transitory? They are so, and we are so, and they and we go very well together.

 

            -- George Santayana (1863-1952)

 

We must either institute conventional forms of expression or else pretend that we have nothing to express.

 

            -- George Santayana, Soliloquies In England

 

We plan absentee ownership. I'll stick to building ships.

 

            -- George Steinbrenner, 1973

 

On the Plains of Hesitation bleach the bones of countless millions who, at the Dawn of Victory, sat down to wait, and waiting  . . . died.

 

            -- George W. Cecil (under the pseudonym William A. Lawrence)

 

A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms.

 

            -- George Wald

 

I've seen many politicians paralyzed in the legs as myself, but I've seen more of them who were paralyzed in the head

 

            -- George Wallace

 

Government is not reason; it is not eloquence; it is force! It is a dangerous servant and a terrible master.

 

            -- George Washington

 

Our Constitution  . . . gives to bigotry no sanction.

 

            -- George Washington

 

The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the Christian Religion

 

            -- George Washington

 

I wonder how so insupportable a thing as a bookseller was ever permitted to grow up in the Commonwealth. Many of our modern booksellers are but needless excrements, or rather vermin.

 

            -- George Wither (1588-1667)

 

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

 

            -- Georges Clemenceau (1841-1929)

 

There is no passion like that of a functionary for his function.

 

            -- Georges Clemenceau (1841-1929)

 

War is a series of catastrophes that results in a victory.

 

            -- Georges Clemenceau (1841-1929)

 

America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization.

 

            -- Georges Clemenceau (1841-1929), (also attributed to Oscar Wilde)

 

Show my head to the people, it is worth seeing.

 

            -- Georges Jacques Danton (1759-1794), to his executioner

 

Once you've had real champagne, you can never go back to Asti Spumanti.

 

            -- Georgette Lundberg

 

When I was born and how I have lived are unimportant. It is what I have done with where I have been that should be of interest.

 

            -- Georgia O'Keefe

 

Things are more like they are now than they have ever been.

 

            -- Gerald Ford

 

Whenever I think of program maintenance, I conjure up a picture of the Great Dust Bowl of the 30's. We have seen thousands of stirring films on How the West was Won but who wants to see a film on How the West was Make Liveable After It was Won? There was one such film, Grapes of Wrath. Pretty depressing too.

 

            -- Gerald M. Weinberg

 

Nothing fails like success.

 

            -- Gerald Nachman

 

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

 

            -- Gerald Weinberg

 

We have come through a strange cycle in programming, starting with the creation of programming itself as a human activity. Executives with the tiniest smattering of knowledge assume that anyone can write a program, and only now are programmers beginning to win their battle for recognition as true professionals. Not just anyone, with any background, or any training, can do a fine job of programming. Programmers know this, but then why is it that they think that anyone picked off the street can do documentation? One has only to spend an hour looking at papers written by graduate students to realize the extent to which the ability to communicate is not universally held. And so, when we speak about computer program documentation, we are not speaking about the psychology of computer programming at all -- except insofar as programmers have the illusion that anyone can do a good job of documentation, provided he is not smart enough to be a programmer.

 

            -- Gerald Weinberg, The Psychology of Computer Programming

 

Life is a process, not a principle, a mystery to be lived, not a problem to be solved.

 

            -- Gerard Straub, television producer and author (stolen from Frank Herbert??)

 

Evolution is what it is. The upper classes have always died out; it's one of the most charming things about them.

 

            -- Germaine Greer

 

Freud is the father of psychoanalysis. It has no mother.

 

            -- Germaine Greer

 

Mother is the dead heart of the family, spending father's earnings on consumer goods to enhance the environment in which he eats, sleeps, and watches television.

 

            -- Germaine Greer

 

Mother Theresa epitomizes for me the blinkered charitableness upon which we pride ourselves and for which we expect reward in this world and the next. There is very little on earth that I hate more than that.

 

            -- Germaine Greer

 

When two dogs fight for a bone, and the third runs off with it, there's a lawyer among the dogs.

 

            -- German proberb

 

Everybody gets so much information all day long that they lose their common sense.

 

            -- Gertrude Stein (1874-1946)

 

It takes a lot of time being a genius. You have to sit around so much doing nothing.

 

            -- Gertrude Stein (1874-1946)

 

Money is always there, but the pockets change.

 

            -- Gertrude Stein (1874-1946)

 

The trouble with Oakland is that when you get there, there isn't any there there.

 

            -- Gertrude Stein (1874-1946)

 

I'm very well acquainted too with matters mathematical, I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical, About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot of news -- With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.

 

            -- Gilbert & Sullivan The Pirates of Penzance

 

The proof of this law is too boring for words.

 

            -- Gilbert Strang, Linear Algebra and its Applications, p. 26

 

I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.

 

            -- Gilda Radner

 

How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.

 

            -- Gioacchino Rosini

 

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

 

            -- Gioacchino Rossini (1792-1868)

 

I have always loved truth so passionately that I have often resorted to lying as a way of introducing it into the minds which were ignorant of its charms.

 

            -- Giovanni Jacopo Casanova (1725-1798)

 

Avoid falsehoods like the plague except in matters of taxation, which do not count, since here your are not lying to take someone else's goods, but to prevent your own from being unjustly seized.

 

            -- Giovanni Morelli

 

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease. Disraeli replied, That all depends, Sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.

 

            -- Gladstone/Disraeli

 

The important thing in acting is to be able to laugh and cry. If I have to cry I think of my sex life. If I have to laugh, I think of my sex life.

 

            -- Glenda Jackson

 

Keep the wind in your solar sails . . .

 

            -- Glenn Clapp

 

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

 

            -- Gloria Leonard

 

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

 

            -- Gloria Leonard

 

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

 

            -- Gloria Steinem

 

If men menstruated, they would brag about how much and for how long.

 

            -- Gloria Steinem

 

Logic is in the eye of the logician.

 

            -- Gloria Steinem

 

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.

 

            -- Gloria Steinem

 

There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.

 

            -- Gloria Steinem

 

I can't mate in captivity.

 

            -- Gloria Steinem, on why she never married

 

Every man has within himself a continent of undiscovered character. Happy is he who proves the Columbus of his soul.

 

            -- Goethe (1749-1832)

 

Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished.

 

            -- Goethe (1749-1832)

 

Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something entirely different.

 

            -- Goethe (1749-1832)

 

More light! Give me more light!

 

            -- Goethe (1749-1832)

 

The unnatural, that too is natural.

 

            -- Goethe (1749-1832)

 

We do not have to visit a madhouse to find disordered minds; our planet is the mental institution of the universe.

 

            -- Goethe (1749-1832)

 

What we do not understand we do not possess.

 

            -- Goethe (1749-1832)

 

Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.

 

            -- Goethe (1749-1832)

 

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

 

            -- Goethe (1749-1832)

 

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

 

            -- Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat

 

How long can you be cute?

 

            -- Goldie Hawn, Playboy Interview - January 1985

 

I'm glad we don't have to play in the shade.

 

            -- Golfer Bobby Jones (1902-1971) on being told that it was 105 degrees in the shade

 

 . . . Perhaps of even greater significance is the continuous and profound distrust of science and technology that the environmental movement displays. The environmental movement maintains that science and technology cannot be relied upon to build a safe atomic power plant, to produce a pesticide that is safe, or even bake a loaf of bread that is safe, if that loaf of bread contains chemical preservatives. When it comes to global warming, however, it turns out that there is one area in which the environmental movement

 

            -- Good Quotations by Famous people

 

A lady with one of her ears applied To an open keyhole heard, inside, Two female gossips in converse free -- The subject engaging them was she. I think, said one, and my husband thinks That she's a prying, inquisitive minx! As soon as no more of it she could hear The lady, indignant, removed her ear. I will not stay, she said with a pout, To hear my character lied about!

 

            -- Gopete Sherany

 

Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it

 

            -- Gordon R. Dickson

 

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

 

            -- Gore Vidal

 

Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little.

 

            -- Gore Vidal

 

For certain people after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.

 

            -- Gore Vidal

 

I can understand companionship. I can understand bought sex in the afternoon. I cannot understand the love affair.

 

            -- Gore Vidal

 

I don't want prizes. I turned down the National Institute of Arts and Letters when I was elected to it in 1976 on the grounds that I already belonged to the Diner's Club.

 

            -- Gore Vidal

 

I might be President by now if it weren't for this 'queer' thing

 

            -- Gore Vidal

 

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

 

            -- Gore Vidal

 

I'm a born-again atheist.

 

            -- Gore Vidal

 

It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.

 

            -- Gore Vidal

 

Television is now so desperately hungry for material that they're scraping the top of the barrel.

 

            -- Gore Vidal

 

Young people are more hopeful at a certain age than adults, but I suspect that's glandular. As for children, I keep as far from them as possible. I don't like the sight of them. The scale is all wrong. The heads tend to be too big for the bodies, and the hands and feet are a disaster. They keep falling into things. The nakedness of their bad character! We adults have learned how to disguise our terrible character, but children, well, they are like grotesque drawings of us. They should be neither seen nor heard, and no one must make another one.

 

            -- Gore Vidal, Conversations With Gore Vidal - 1981

 

Bush is into the Contra business up to his eyeballs.

 

            -- Gore Vidal, Playboy Interview - December 1987

 

I was far too polite to ask.

 

            -- Gore Vidal, when asked whether the first person he had slept with was male or female

 

Money is good for bribing yourself through the inconveniences of life.

 

            -- Gottfried Reinhardt

 

When I was in England, I experimented with marijuana a time or two, and I didn't like it and didn't inhale and never tried it again.

 

            -- Gov. Bill Clinton

 

I like to play saxophone because you don't inhale.

 

            -- Gov. Bill Clinton, on a radio talk show in New York

 

If the bloodbath must come, then let's get on with it!

 

            -- Gov. Ronald W. Reagan tothe U.C. Board of Regents

 

Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters; united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels

 

            -- Goya

 

It's easier to get forgiveness than permission.

 

            -- Grace Murray Hopper

 

Remember what the doormouse said . . . FEED YOUR HEAD . . .

 

            -- Grace Slick

 

I used to be indecisive; now Im not sure.

 

            -- Graffiti

 

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

 

            -- Graffiti

 

Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.

 

            -- Graffiti

 

'To the Workers of the world, I am sorry.' -- Karl Marx

 

            -- Graffiti on the side of an East German factory

 

One hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong.

 

            -- Graffito - as given in The Penguin Dictionary of Modern Quotations, 2nd ed.

 

Cogito ergo spud.  (I think, therefore I yam.)

 

            -- Graffito reported by Herb Caen San Francisco Chronicle, April 24, 1980

 

Bad spellers of the world, untie!

 

            -- Grafitto

 

Los Angeles seems endlessly held between these extremes: of light and dark - of surface and depth. Of the promise, in brief, of a meaning always hovering on the edge of significance.

 

            -- Graham Clarke

 

 . . .You can't blame the innocent, they are always guiltless. All you can do is control them or eliminate them. Innocence is a kind of insanity.

 

            -- Graham Green, *The Quiet American*

 

They had been corrupted by money, and he had been corrupted by sentiment. Sentiment was the more dangerous, because you couldn't name its price. A man open to bribes was to be relied upon below a certain figure, but sentiment might uncoil in the heart at a name, a photograph, even a smell remembered.

 

            -- Graham Greene, _The Heart of the Matter_

 

A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to.

 

            -- Granville Hicks (1901-1982)

 

 . . .every once in a while, you can get shown the light in the strangest of places if you just look at it right . . .

 

            -- Grateful Dead

 

Natural selection won't matter soon, not anywhere as much as concious selection. We will civilize and alter ourselves to suit our ideas of what we can be. Within one more human lifespan, we will have changed ourselves unrecognizably.

 

            -- Greg Bear

 

If the signals are flashing and the gates are all down,

 and the whistle is blowing in vain,

 if you stay on the tracks, ignoring the facts,

 then don't blame the wreck on the train.

 

            -- Greg Tamblyn

 

In the transmission of human culture, people always attempt to replicate, to pass on to the next generation the skills and values of the parents, but the attempt always fails because cultural transmission is geared to learning, not D.N.A.

 

            -- Gregory Bateson, Mind and Matter

 

There was a blithe certainty that came from first comprehending the full Einstein field equations, arabesques of Greek letters clinging tenuously to the page, a gossamer web. They seemed insubstantial when you first saw them, a string of squiggles. Yet to follow the delicate tensors as they contracted, as the superscripts paired with subscripts, collapsing mathematically into concrete classical entities-- potential; mass; forces vectoring in a curved geometry-- that was a sublime experience. The iron fist of the real, inside the velvet glove of airy mathematics.

 

            -- Gregory Benford - Timescape

 

You're a parasite for sore eyes

 

            -- Gregory Ratoff, Actor

 

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

 

            -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

 

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

 

            -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

 

I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

 

            -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

 

I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

 

            -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

 

I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.

 

            -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

 

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

 

            -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

 

I've had a wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

 

            -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

 

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

 

            -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

 

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

 

            -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

 

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

 

            -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

 

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

 

            -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

 

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

 

            -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

 

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

 

            -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

 

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

 

            -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

 

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

 

            -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

 

She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the live of the party.

 

            -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

 

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

 

            -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

 

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing; if you can fake that, you've got it made.

 

            -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

 

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.

 

            -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

 

I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while!

 

            -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977) from You Bet Your Life in response to a man whose reason for fathering 10 children was: Well, I love my wife

 

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

 

            -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977), A Day at the Races - 1936

 

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

 

            -- Groucho Marx (1895-1977)

 

We don't want to start a nuclear war unless we really have to, now do we Jack?

 

            -- Group Capt. Mandrake (Peter Sellers) to Col. Jack Ripper in Dr. Strangelove

 

If I didn't have a Unix machine, I'd feel naked.

 

            -- Guess Who

 

Whatever their other contributions to our society, lawyers could be an important source of protein.

 

            -- Guindon cartoon caption

 

A child of my own! Oh, no, no, no! Let my flesh perish with me, and let me not transmit to anyone the boredom and ignominiousness of life.

 

            -- Gustave Flaubert (1821-1880)

 

Our ignorance of history makes us libel our own times. People have always been like this.

 

            -- Gustave Flaubert (1821-1880)

 

The whole dream of democracy is to raise the proletarian to the level of stupidity attained by the bourgeois.

 

            -- Gustave Flaubert (1821-1880)

 

To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.

 

            -- Gustave Flaubert (1821-1880)

 

 . . .exaggerated turns of speech conceal mediocre affections: as if the fulness of the soul might not sometimes overflow in the emptiest of metaphors, since no one, ever, can give the exact measurements of his needs, nor of his conceptions, nor of his sufferings, and the human word is like a cracked cauldron upon which we beat out melodies fit for making bears dance when we are trying to move the stars to pity.

 

            -- Gustave Flaubert (1821-1880), _Madame Bovary_, ch. 12

 

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have a paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

 

            -- Guy Davenport

 

Celibacy is not hereditary.

 

            -- Guy Goden

 

God is love, but get it in writing.

 

            -- Gypsy Rose Lee

 

She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to.

 

            -- Gypsy Rose Lee

 

The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for lists of Ten Best.

 

            -- H. Allen Smith (1906-1976)

 

When there are two conflicting versions of a story, the wise course is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst.

 

            -- H. Allen Smith (1906-1976)

 

On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are created jerks.

 

            -- H. Allen Smith, Let the Crabgrass Grow

 

Lord FINCHLEY tried to mend the Electric Light Himself. It struck him dead: And serve him right! It is the business of the wealthy man To give employment to the artisan.

 

            -- H. Belloc

 

Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?

 

            -- H. M. Warner (1881-1958), founder of Warner Brothers, in 1927

 

The most merciful thing in the world  . . . is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents.

 

            -- H. P. Lovecraft

 

Models are to be used, not believed.

 

            -- H. Theil `Principles of Econometrics'

 

Voting for the right is doing nothing for it.

 

            -- H.D. Thoreau, An Essay on Civil Disobedience, 1849.

 

Advertising is legalized lying.

 

            -- H.G. Wells (1885-1946)

 

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

 

            -- H.G. Wells (1885-1946)

 

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

 

            -- H.G. Wells (1885-1946)

 

New and stirring things are belittled because if they are not belittled, the humiliating question arises, 'Why then are you not taking part in them?'

 

            -- H.G. Wells (1885-1946)

 

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

 

            -- H.H. Munro (Saki) (1870-1916)

 

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death

 

            -- H.H. Munro (Saki) (1870-1916)

 

Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses.

 

            -- H.H. Munro (Saki) (1870-1916)

 

You can't expect a boy to be depraved until he has been to a good school.

 

            -- H.H. Munro (Saki) (1870-1916)

 

Life's too short for chess.

 

            -- H.J. Byron _Our Boys_

 

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

A poet more than thirty years old is simply an overgrown child.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Adultery is the application of democracy to love.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Alimony: the ransom the happy pay to the devil.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is informing, stimulating and ennobling.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

An unwarlike Marine is as unthinkable as an honest burglar.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

And what is a good citizen? Simply one who never says, does or thinks anything that is unusual. Schools are maintained in order to bring this uniformity up to the highest possible point. A school is a hopper into which children are heaved while they are still young and tender; therein they are pressed into certain standard shapes and covered from head to heels with official rubber-stamps.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Any man who, having a child or children he can't support, proceeds to have another should be sterilized at once.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Archbishop: a Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the loss to humanity.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Conscience: the inner voice which warns us that someone may be looking.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Creator: a comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Criticism is prejudice made plausible.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Demagogue: one who preaches doctrines he knows to be untrue to men he knows to be idiots.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Democracy is the art of running the circus from the monkey cage.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Don't overestimate the decency of the human race.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Every man is thoroughly happy twice in his life: just after he has met his first love, and just after he has left his last one.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands hoist the black flag and begin slitting throats.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

For every problem, there is one solution which is simple, neat and wrong.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Giving every man a vote has no more made men wise and free than Christianity has made them good.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

He marries best who puts it off until it is too late.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Henry James would have been vastly improved as a novelist by a few whiffs of the Chicago stockyard.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Historian: an unsuccessful novelist.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

I detest converts almost as much as I do missionaries.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

If I ever marry, it will be on a sudden impulse - as a man shoots himself.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

If I had my way, any man guilty of golf would be ineligible for any office of trust in the United States.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Imagine the Creator as a low comedian, and at once the world becomes explicable.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Immorality: the morality of those who are having a better time.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Immortality is the condition of a dead man who doesn't believe he is dead.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

It is inaccurate to say I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Judge: a law student who marks his own papers.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Jury: a group of twelve men who, having lied to the judge about their hearing, health and business engagements, have failed to fool him.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Lawyer: one who protects us against robbery by taking away the temptation.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Man is a natural polygamist: he always has one woman leading him by the nose, and another hanging on to his coattails.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Man is never honestly the fatalist, nor even the stoic. He fights his fate, often desperately. He is forever entering bold exceptions to the rulings of the bench of gods. This fighting, no doubt, makes for human progress, for it favors the strong and the brave. It also makes for beauty, for lesser men try to escape from a hopeless and intolerable world by creating a more lovely one of their own.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Men are the only animals that devote themselves, day in and day out, to making one another unhappy. It is an art like any other. Its virtuosi are called altruists.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Men have a much better time of it than woemn; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

New York: A third-rate Babylon.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

No normal man ever fell in love after thirty when the kidneys begin to disintegrate.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Opera in English is, in the main, just about as sensible as baseball in Italian.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Platitude: an idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Puritanism is the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Self-respect: the secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one's wife's relatives.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Sunday: A day given over by Americans to wishing they were dead and in heaven, and that their neighbors were dead and in hell.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Thanksgiving Day is a day devoted by persons with inflammatory rheumatism to thanking a loving Father that it is not hydrophobia.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

The basic fact about human existence is not that it is a tragedy, but that it is a bore.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

The best years are the forties; after fifty a man begins to deteriorate, but in the forties he is at the maximum of his villainy.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animals.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

The chief contribution of Protestantism to human thought is its massive proof that God is a bore.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

The cosmos is a gigantic flywheel making 10,000 revolutions per minute. Man is a sick fly taking a dizzy ride on it.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

The evidence of the emotions, save in cases where it has strong objective support, is really no evidence at all, for every recognizable emotion has its opposite, and if one points one way then another points the other way. Thus the familiar argument that there is an instinctive desire for immortality, and that this desire proves it to be a fact, becomes puerile when it is recalled that there is also a powerful and widespread fear of annihilation, and that this fear, on the same principle proves that there is nothing beyond the grave. Such childish proofs are typically theological, and they remain theological even when they are adduced by men who like to flatter themselves by believing that they are scientific gents . . .

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

The first kiss is stolen by the man; the last is begged by the woman.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

The most common of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

The only good bureaucrat is one with a pistol to his head. Put it in his hand and it's good-bye to The Bill of Rights.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

The only really happy folk are married women and single men.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

The only way for a reporter to look at a politician is down.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

The truth is that Christian theology, like every other theology, is not only opposed to the scientific spirit; it is also opposed to all other attempts at rational thinking. Not by accident does Genesis 3 make the father of knowledge a serpent -- slimy, sneaking and abominable. Since the earliest days the church as an organization has thrown itself violently against every effort to liberate the body and mind of man. It has been, at all times and everywhere, the habitual and incorrigible defender of bad governments, bad laws, bad social theories, bad institutions. It was, for centuries, an apologist for slavery, as it was the apologist for the divine right of kings.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

The worshiper is the father of the gods.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Theology is the effort to explain the unknowable in terms of the not worth knowing.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

There's no underestimating the intelligence of the American public.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

To be in love is merely to be in a state of perpetual anesthesia - to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

War will never cease until babies begin to come into the world with larger cerebrums and smaller adrenal glands.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

We are here and it is now. Further than that all human knowledge is moonshine.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

When women kiss, it always reminds me of prizefighters shaking hands.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

 Whenever 'A' attempts by law to impose his moral standards upon 'B', 'A' is most likely a scoundrel

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Wife: a former sweetheart.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Wife: one who is sorry she did it, but would undoubtedly do it again.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

Congress consists of 1/3, more or less, scoundrels; 2/3, more or less, idiots; and three thirds, more or less, poltroons.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

 

 . . .no man of genuinely superior intelligence has ever been an actor. Even supposing a young man of appreciable mental powers to be lured upon the stage, as philosophers are occasionally lured into bordellos, his mind would be inevitably and almost immediately destroyed by the gaudy nonsense issuing from his mouth every night.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956) - The Allied Arts

 

There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon, however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable. Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator on his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is even highly probable.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956) (1930)

 

After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.

 

            -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956) on Shakespeare

 

It is the invariable habit of bureaucracies, at all times and everywhere, to assume . . .that every ci